So, Vince had pretty much crushed WCW.
RAW continued to dominate Nitro in the ratings. So much so that WCW was trying to do desperate things to regain their edge. They would come up with concerts where they would hire KISS and Megadeath and major rap acts…but those were failures.
In late 1999, the WCW would let Eric Bischoff go and attempt a last-ditch effort: they would lure WWF’s hot head writers, Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara, to WCW. Together, the two would attempt to turn Nitro into RAW, doing backstage vignettes and creating an angle where Russo would play an unseen bit of “management” known as “The Powers That Be”. Then, they turned idiotic. Ed Ferrara would imitate Jim Ross, complete with Bells Palsy. Minor Spanish wrestler, Juventud Guerrera would try to imitate The Rock’s catchphrase and turn it into “Can you smell what the JUICE is cooking?” They even tried to turn Nitro into a sort of soap opera for the first hour where Nash would wander his hotel room and arena and specific plots would be acted out. In this first hour, there was no wrestling. That was a failure. Russo and Ferrara decided that, without Hogan, they would be wise to try and turn Tank Abbott into their main star…I cannot tell you what a terrible idea this was. It was so bad, WCW suspended Russo and Ferrara in January of 2000. Former wrestler, Kevin Sullivan, was promoted to head booking agent. Chris Benoit, Perry Saturn, Dean Malenko, and Eddie Guerrero all quit the WCW in protest. All four men would enter the WWF as “The Radicalz” a couple of weeks later.
The WCW was in freefall…so they tried to cut the third hour from RAW. This STILL didn’t help…and the beat would go on…
The WWF was in total control at this point. The problem with WCW is hubris: they had it all including one of the best wrestling storylines EVER…and they blew it because wrestlers’ heads got way too big.
Meanwhile, things changed between Wrestlemania 15 and 2000…
Let’s talk about it, shall we?
- Austin went into RAW and requested his Smoking Skull Belt. Rather than fight him on this, Vince agreed, giving it to Austin. Why? Because Vince was busy with the Undertaker, who was threatening his family, and had bigger fish to fry than Austin. With Vince out of the picture, Shane McMahon, who STILL had a grudge against him, refused to give the belt to him and, instead, awarded it to the Rock. This lead to a feud where The Rock and Austin battled on a bridge in Detroit, knocking Austin off the bridge into the river below. He would throw the Skull belt in after him. This feud would culminate at Backlash, where Austin would win the match and the Skull belt. The Austin/McMahon feud came to a head when Austin was made CEO of the company since Vince was unfit to run things dude to the Undertaker. When Vince was ready to take things back, Austin fought him with the stipulation that, if he won, he’d never see McMahon again. Austin won it and McMahon vanished. Austin would finally lose the title during the summer when he lost to Mankind. He’d have a rematch, this time against Triple H who beat Mankind for it, but he would lose the match when the Rock interfered. He was booked for another Triple Threat match for the belt but wouldn’t wrestle after a mysterious car struck him in the parking lot. Austin would be sidelined for nine full months, including Wrestlemania 2000. In real life, Austin had to take time off to tend to a neck injury which he would need surgery for. Meanwhile, Triple H, who was a heel at this time, would take over the company in Vince’s absence. He was a heel and would run things with Stephanie McMahon, Vince’s daughter, whom he (kayfabe) married. During this time, he would beat Vince McMahon in a match and Vince would leave the company. While Triple H would continue to retain his title, The Rock, now a face, would win the Royal Rumble to become the number one contender for the WWF Championship. Triple H, not wanting to face The Rock, had him take on the Big Show with the Contender’s spot on the line. The Rock would lose the match and the Big Show was in. At the same event, Mick Foley’s other personality, Cactus Jack would wrestle Triple H in Hell in a Cell with the stipulation that, if Jack lost, he would retire. Jack did lose and retire. The Rock, meanwhile, was pretty pissed that he was screwed over for his title shot and said he wanted to take on the Big Show again. If The Rock won, he would get his title shot back. If he lost, The Rock would bow out of Wrestlemania for good. In one of the most memorable matches in WWF history, the two men fought to a stand-still until the referee was knocked out. At this moment, Shane McMahon interfered once again, knocking the Rock out with a chair. History would seemingly repeat itself…until a limo pulled into the backstage area…and out stepped Vince McMahon. Triple H went to greet him and McMahon punched him out and headed for the ring. Shane saw it all on the Jumbotron and was shocked. Vince would knock out his own son, pull off his ref shirt, put it on, and the match would resume. The Rock would hit The Rock Bottom and get the three count and get his title shot. The match would become a Triple Threat match with The Rock, Triple H, and Big Show…until Linda McMahon turned it into a Fatal Four-Way between the same three wrestlers…and Mick Foley.
- This would be the first Wrestlemania missed by The Undertaker in a long time. His feud against Vince McMahon would culminate with Vince running the Ministry the entire time. The two would collaborate against Austin who would, eventually, overcome the two. Undertaker and McMahon would disband and The Undertaker would take some time off to tend to injuries.
I think I’m pretty much done covering each and every storyline since, at this point, the storylines became more than convoluted, they were complicated and involved about six wrestlers at a time as well as several title changes…
Let’s just go to the event. 🙂
We are live from the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim for the first time since–wait, Lillian Garcia is singing the National fucking Anthem…hard to believe that Vince was succeeding and beating Bischoff into the ground and…okay, she’s not bad at all. Wow.
Wow…yeah, I take it back.
So, anyway, we’re back at the Pond. Second time in 4 years. Last time was Wrestlemania 12.
Your announcers are good ol’ J.R. and Jerry Lawler.
We get a promo for the WWF Championship. Each competitor will have a McMahon in their corner. The promo is finished off by noted character actor, David Keith, the guy who narrates Army/Navy commercials on TV and has had roles in dozens of movies.
MATCH #1: Bull Buchanan & The Big Boss Man vs. The Godfather & D-Lo Brown (w/ Ice-T and The Ho’s)
Ice-T is out rapping with The Godfather and D-Lo Brown with about a half dozen women behind them who range from “probably-paid-off-the-street” to “could-be-hot”. The song is about pimping and how it is not a simple endeavor. Buchanan and Bossman come out but, unfortunately, have no response in the debate about pimping or whether or not it’s easy. Good teamwork with Bossman and Buchanan. Definitely better than Brown and Godfather. It’s sad that none of these guys went on to bigger things. They were all still pretty good. I just think they outlived their usefulness. The match ends with Brown about to hit a move from the top turnbuckle and Buchanan interferes. Bossman helps take out Brown and The Godfather. Buchanan hits a HUGE flying legdrop.
WINNER: Bull and Boss Man via Flying Legdrop
GRADE: D-. Not a good start but, then, you knew what this would be when you saw the competitors.
- The Big Bossman, AKA Ray Traylor, would continue to wrestle with the WWF until the beginning of 2003, when he left the WWF. For a year, he would wrestle independently. In September of 2004, Traylor passed away, suddenly, of a heart attack. He was only 41 years old.
- Brown found a new tag team after turning heel on Wright and would join up with Chaz to form Lo Down…who were so awful that they were taken off of WWF TV months later. Brown would continue to wrestle, do commentary and would have a short feud with Raven during “The WCW Invasion”. Teddy Long, who had just retired as a referee, would go on to manage Brown and he was actually pushed. His “racism” angle got a bit long in the tooth and, after a losing match with Booker T, Brown was released in early 2003. For the next four years, until 2007, Brown would wrestle in Japan as well as TNA, before returning, for a short time, to the WWE in 2008. He could not, however, find an angle, and would leave the following year. Brown would return to TNA in 2009 where he works behind the scenes as Talent Development.
Backstage, Triple H and Stephanie McMahon talk about being married.
Then the referees go over the rules of the Hardcore Battle Royal.
MATCH #2: Crash Holly (champion), Hardcore Holly, Tazz, Viscera, Joey Abs, Rodney, Pete Gas, Taka Michinoku, Funaki, Headbanger Mosh, Headbanger Thrasher, Farooq, and Bradshaw (all challengers) in a Hardcore Battle Royal for the WWF Hardcore Championship
Oh man…I can’t wait to talk about how many of these guys are retired. The match’s rules go like this: it’s 15 minutes long and anybody can pin anybody anywhere at anytime to win the the title…but the match doesn’t stop after this. It goes on until the 15-minute time limit is up. Tazz is the first winner, then Viscera. It goes on and on like this. It’s just a bunch of dudes who don’t even wrestle in the ring. They just whack each other with a bunch of garbage outside because you’re not “hardcore” unless you’re brain dead and bleeding. If you get off on wrestlers beating each other with objects, this is your match. It doesn’t get really good until the final few minutes when Crash Holly and Tazz wrestle in the ring WITHOUT using objects. Crash pins Tazz with 32 seconds left. After this, Tazz slaps on Tazzmission…but with 7 seconds left, Hardcore Holly comes in to save his partner, knocking out Tazz…only to PIN Crash and get the title and the win with ZERO seconds left. It should have just been a WWF Hardcore Title match between a couple guys or have it go throughout the evening. It didn’t get good until the last minute.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Hardcore Holly via Tazzmission
GRADE: C-. Just doesn’t work for me. I’m glad the WWE is past this shit.
Post-match, JR whines about the Hardcore Title match, calling it “a controversy”. Then multiple replays show that “a shoulder is up”…and I have no idea what the fuck JR is talking about. The shoulders of Crash are down. Who the fuck cares? It’s the Hardcore Title! It’s a pile of horse shit!
- For the next nine years, Hardcore Holly would wrestle with the WWF, seeing a TON of action in other PPV events as well as RAW, Smackdown, and Jakked…but he would NOT wrestle again in Wrestlemania…very strange. He spent a year in the ECW faction and would leave the WWE entirely in 2009. He currently wrestles independently and has a memoir coming out in 2013 about his experiences in the business, entitled, “The Hardcore Truth”.
- Taka would leave the WWF and go back to Japan where he would wrestle until 1995.
- Viscera would leave in the summer of the same year and reappear, for a very short time, with TNA until 2004. After this, he would return to the WWE where he split his time between WWE and ECW. He would leave the WWE in 2008 and wrestle in Japan. He currently wrestles independently.
- Joey, Rodney and Pete Gas were all part of the Mean Street Posse and were pretty much released around the same time from 2000 to 2001.
- The Headbangers would retire separately. Glen Ruth (Thrasher) would retire after 2000 while his partner, Mosh, continues to wrestle in independent Florida house shows.
We get a promo for WWF All Axcess. There’s this cute little kid dressed just like Kane, which makes me really question his parents’ judgement: “Awwww…you look so cute dressed as Undertaker’s demonic, hellish brother…” Michael Cole talks about doing fantasy play-by-play with fans. It really cracks me up when I realize that Cole is just a regular dude who is humble as all hell. I hate hearing him on TV but it’s all an act. Cole is SO good at making you hate him.
Then we get JR who is STILL whining about the end of the Hardcore Title match. Like this matters. Who cares about the fucking Hardcore Title?
Then some vignette with Blackman and Al Snow in the bathroom where Al Snow is watching somebody take a shit. Such high-quality television.
Then we see Trish’s tits in her top and then Trish, leading her men, Test and Albert, out to the ring.
MATCH #3: Test & Albert (w/ Trish Stratus) vs. Al Snow and Steve Blackman (w/ Chester McCheeserton)
What follows is another BAD idea. Snow and Blackman get to the ring and Snow brings out their mascot or manager or…fuck, I don’t know. It’s a midget in a giant foam block of cheese named, “Chester McCheeserton”. *Sigh*…then Trish, the girls, and the boys come out next. Trish is the first diva I had a crush on before Lita. Then the match starts…and the place goes fucking quiet. JR actually wonders, aloud, how Chester “goes through an airport”. Yes, JR, because, at the airport, mascots and managers wear EXACTLY what they wear when they’re in the ring. The match is wrestled pretty well with some quick action and tags. It ends with Albert clearing the ring of Snow, putting Test in the air for a splash and a quick two-count. Albert fights Blackman in the ring, hits a huge slam, then Snow with a big splash for the win. Tits, er, Trish Stratus escorts the boys to the back.
WINNERS: Test & Albert via slam
GRADE: WCW-LEVEL F.
Post-match, Blackman and Snow argue. Snow says he’s sorry and says that Chester was a bad idea. I cannot believe we’re spending this much time on this angle. The two beat up on Chester and the crowd is in stunned silence. Then they set up for a Guillotine move off the top rope…wow.
- Al Snow would wrestle with the WWE for another seven years as well as serve as a commentator and host on WWF programming. He left in 2007, remaining with the company as a trainer. He currently wrestles for TNA.
A completely nude Kat is backstage with Mae Young. Mae keeps covering Kat, strategically, even pulling a shirt out of her bag with a giant fluffy cat on it and holds it over her crotch, saying what a nice “pussy” it is. Then they cover her tits with water bottles…yawn…
The Dudleyz are interviewed. They shout about winning and testifying!
MATCH #4: Edge & Christian (challengers) vs. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray & D-Von) (champions) vs, The Hardy Boyz (Matt & Jeff) (challengers) in a Triple Ladder Match for the WWF Tag Team Championship
This was one of the greatest matches in WWF history. It’s a triple ladder match. I love how everything in the WWF had to be all “extreme”. Every character had to be all hardcore and rocker-like. If you had the name “Boys” in your title, you had to put a fucking “Z” at the end or else you weren’t fucking hardcore. There was even a film about motocross released five or six years back called “Biker BoyZ” and a movie called “ExistenZ”. As if the “Z” had mystical hardcore properties that meant you were totally different. Look at me! I’m hardcore! My name is MattZ! The thing that makes this different from Hardcore matches is the pure talent and insanity of the wrestlers. It’s one thing to use signs, buckets, and cans to knock your opponent silly. It’s purely another to fly off the top of a ladder to the outside of the ring and absolutely obliterate your opponents. It’s also another to fly off the top rope and clothesline your opponent OFF the ladder. It’s also another to step on a teetering ladder and use your weight to fall on your opponent. It’s a lot more interesting. The Hardy Boyz remind me a LOT of The Rockers. They had that same thing going on – youth, talent, high risk moves, double teaming…they were incredible in their day. Bubba Ray hits a GREAT 3D on Christian at one point that is fucking incredible. The camera flashes are fucking blinding. Edge and Christian even hit a double suplex on D-Von from the very top of the ladder. Edge gets double-teamed by the Dudleyz and the two hit the 3D before they go for a table under the ring. This was something I didn’t get. I know the crowd wanted a table in this match but, logically, wouldn’t you climb the ladder and get your titles, especially with every other wrestler out of the way? They place a table across the top of two ladders, then get another table and, yet, another table. They place the tables around the ladders like they’re building a fucking fort. I feel like I’m watching This Old House. Then ANOTHER table outside. Bubba Ray grabs Jeff Hardy, and climbs the Spanish Announcer’s Table. Then he hits a Powerbomb. Inside the ring, D-Von tries to legdrop Christian but misses and falls through the table himself. Then Bubba Ray gets the other ladder while Jeff Hardy wakes up and tries to Parkour off the ring barriers to Bubba Ray who just whacks him with the ladder. Then Bubba Ray grabs a HUGE, taller ladder, that’s like 15 feet tall. Then ANOTHER fucking table and places it in front of the giant ladder, outside in the aisle. Christian, however, interrupts and clocks Bubba with the ring bell. Then Jeff fights Christian off and goes to the very top of the huge ladder with Bubba laying on the table…oh, fuck me…he LEAPS…A HUGE SWANTON FLIP OFF THE LADDER WHICH ANNIHILATES BUBBA!!! In the ring, D-Von nails Christian, then climbs the ladder. Matt Hardy FINALLY wakes the fuck up, gets in the ring and hits the Twist of Fate on D-Von. Both Christian and Matt climb up the ladder. In comes Edge. Matt and Christian meet in the middle of the table and fight together. Edge climbs up. Christian gets to his feet and knocks Matt off who falls through the table below. Edge goes for the belts and gives one to Christian before taking the other one. New champs. What a match.
WINNERS AND NEW CHAMPIONS: Edge & Christian
GRADE: A+. This was the match of the century. Incredible working, action and performances.
Backstage, Linda McMahon is with Mick Foley. She says that he’s gonna fulfill a lifelong dream. Foley says this show is huge and nobody is holding anything back if the Triple Ladder Match is any indication.
MATCH #5: Terri Runnels (w/ The Fabulous Moolah) vs. The Kat (w/ Mae Young) in a Catfight with Special Guest Referee, Val Venis
Val out first and makes a shitload of sexual double entendres. Terri Runnels is out with Moolah next. She’s wearing devil horns and a black cat suit. The Kat is out next with Mae Young. The Kat is not afraid of nudity. She just isn’t. She’s wearing a black bra and thong with a mesh body suit over it which hides nothing. Both women are hot but this match sucks. Not in a good way. Some time into the match, Venis makes out with Runnels. Then Mae distracts Venis as The Kat and Runnels beat the shit out of each other. The Kat wins the match but Venis doesn’t see it. Then Runnels gets on top of The Kat and starts slapping her. Then Mae and Moolah get involved. Then Mae makes out with Val Venis. Then The Kat wins the match again. Moolah pulls Kat out then pushed Runnels in. She wins.
WINNER: The Kat.
GRADE: WCW-STYLE F. This is complete crap, all the way around.
Post-match, Mae shoves Moolah, hits the Bronco Buster and celebrates. Then Kat and Mae remove Terri’s pants. She’s wearing nothing but a flesh-colored thong under it and escapes from the ring. This, of course, after slooooowly crawling away to “escape” on her hands and knees.
- Terri Runnels would manage the Radicalz (WITH THE “Z”!!!) until 2001 and then finish out her career by feuding with Trish Stratus and actually holding the Hardcore Title. She quit the WWF in 2004 and works for various charities. At least she isn’t called “Terri RunnelZ”.
- The Kat was a talentless hack of a female wrestler whose only reason for being is because Jerry Lawler was fucking her. She joined Right to Censor in 2001 but was released after the angle went kaput. They were married in real life and when she quit, she actually brought Lawler with her, which is fucking insanity. They divorced a few months later, most likely because she was a money-obssessed star-fucker. When Lawler first met her, she was only 18 years old. I don’t have an issue with older guys and younger girls but, c’mon. He was banging her because a) she wanted money and b) he got free pussy when he gave it to her. Before she even came to the WWF, she was a bank teller. With his help (money), she opened her own salon. After the WWF, she worked as a real estate agent and applied for a cosmetology license in 2007 in Florida. She started dating wrestler “Kizarny” in 2010 and the two are engaged to be married. You think I’m being too rough on her? Yeah, I am. This is the ONLY girl in the WWF who had NO compunction about dropping her pants and FLAUNTED it, even in public. Jesus, have some self-respect. (A lot of this is vitriol. Kat is talentless. I couldn’t stand her. She can strip for money all she wants but, honestly, she was just trashy no matter which way you sliced it and really caused some issues for Lawler.)
Craptacular. You know when Foley said that nobody was holding anything back? I bet he saw this match and immediately took back what he said.
Backstage, Eddie Guerrero, Dean Malenko and Saturn are talking about winning their match. Then Too Cool agrees. It’s time to “get busy with it”.
MATCH #6: Too Cool (Scotty 2 Hotty, Grand Master Sexay and Chyna) vs. The Radicalz (Eddie Guerrero, Dean Malenko, and Saturn)
The RadicalZ(!!!) are out first, then Chyna. JR: “There’s nothing FYNA…then seein’ CHYNA…” Please stop.The match is slow but with a good ending. Scotty hits The Worm on Malenko and Saturn before Guerrero protects himself, like a pussy, from Chyna. Guerrero goes after Scotty and Saturn hits a Superkick. Guerrero tries to go to the top of the turnbuckle and Scotty superplexes him off. Chyna is FINALLY in and knocks the hell out of Saturn and Malenko. Then she flip splashes both of them, then low blows both before Guerrero bitch-slaps her from behind. He goes for a Powerbomb but Chyna counters with her own, then grabs him by the balls and squeezes. Then she press slams Guerrero. She hits a Sleeper and back slams him, getting the pin! Like it!
WINNERS: Too Cool & Chyna via Sleeper
GRADE: B-. Yeah, I liked this. WM 2000 started to warm up a bit here.
- Grand Master Sexay is Brian Lawler, the son of Jerry Lawler. He would be fired from the WWF in 2001 after being caught pushing drugs across the United States/Canadian border. He would split the next couple of years between WWA, TNA, a quick appearance in the WWE, and then, the Indy circuit, where he currently wrestles. He’s had trouble with the law and was arrested for disorderly conduct and public intoxication.
We get a vignette of a woman who entered a contest to go to Wrestlemania 2000. She answers the door with her family standing by. Has a child twelve inches from her face and a burning cigarette in her hand. Classy with a K.
Back in the arena, they’re at ringside. Holding a sign that reads “I WWF’N WON THESE TICKETS!” Once again, classy with a K.
Backstage, Shane is with The Big Show. He says that Show is gonna be the new WWF Champion. He says that Foley will be retired for good. Triple H will be done, too.
Kurt Angle says he is both the European and Intercontinental Champion. He wants extra security up there while he celebrates.
MATCH #7: Chris Benoit (challenger) vs. Kurt Angle (champion – both titles) and Chris Jericho (challenger) in a 2-Fall Triple Threat Match for the WWF Intercontinental Championship and WWF European Championship
FIRST FALL FOR THE WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
Jericho gets in the ring and spews his stuff. WWF IS JERICHO/AYATOLLAH OF ROCKIN’-ROLLA! Then Chris Scumbag is out next. Then Kurt Angle. It really burns me up to say that Benoit was great. Jericho was great and Angle is great. This, by the way, is a “Two Fall Triple Threat Match”. Kurt defends the titles in two falls. The wrestler who wins the first fall will be the IC Champion. The wrestler with the second one gets the Euro Title. The match is quick-paced, high-flying, and back and forth. There’s little time spent with a competitor hiding outside and letting two people fight in the ring. There’s almost always three people, which is exciting. Angle, at one point, has Jericho in the Crossface Chickenwing but Benoit comes in at the last minute and saves it. Benoit tosses Angle out of the ring, climbs the ropes, hits the flying headbutt and wins the IC Title.
WINNER AND NEW IC CHAMPION: Chris Benoit via Flying Headbutt
Right after this, Benoit covers Jericho again but Angle comes running in to break up the pin. Benoit hits a side suplex off the second rope. Angle tries a backwards Moonsault and hits nobody. Every man is down now. Jericho tries the Walls of Jericho but Benoit takes his head off. Choice words.Benoit is cleared again and Jericho hits the Double Powerbomb! Wow! He goes for a pin but sees Benoit about to attack and goes after him, instead. Benoit hits a series of back suplexes on Jericho and then tries the same on Angle but only hits one. Jericho goes for a Flying Forearm on Benoit but he ducks and Jericho hits the ref instead. He puts Jericho into the Crippler Crossface and Jericho taps…but there’s no ref. Then Jericho hits the Walls of Jericho but Angle busts Benoit out of it. The match ends with Benoit going to the top rope and missing his flying headbutt. Then Jericho hits the Lionsault and beats Benoit! WWF European Champion is Jericho.
WINNER AND NEW EUROPEAN CHAMPION: Chris Benoit via Lionsault
GRADE: A-. When you stop whacking people with sticks and garbage cans and showing gratuitous nudity and start entertaining people with great wrestling, this is the result. What wasn’t clicking in Vince’s brain scares me.
Backstage, Cole interviews Vince. Vince says that The Rock is confident tonight. He says his family is dysfunctional but he will make it right.
Triple H is with Steph and he says it’s not about making it right. He’s the best. That’s all there is.
MATCH #8: Rikishi & Kane (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Degeneration X (Road Dogg & X-Pac) (w/ Tori)
DX out first, then Rikishi. JR continues with his fucking terrible dialogue: “The man with the most intimidating cheeks…he will back THAT ASS UP!” PLEASE…STOP. Kane out next. Paul Bearer goes after Tori and tells her to go to hell. I liked him better when he was ghostly. Then she decks him but he no sells it. How far Sean Waltman fell…he used to be talented and he’s now jobbing to the likes of Rikishi. Kane clears the ring, slams X-Pac into the corner, then orders him to give Pac the Stinkface. He goes after Dogg next but Tori interferes. Kane throws Tori into one of the corners which is really nice to see, men beating on women like that. Then, if that’s not enough, Rikishi rubs his ass in her face, which is disgusting as fuck. JR, classy as ever, says “She now has ass-breath.” Thanks, JR. The match ends with Kane giving Pac the Tombstone.
WINNERS: Rikishi & Kane via Tombstone
GRADE: D-. Vince had a huge ass fetish for a full year. Unfortunately, it was every ass on every gender, 24-7. If we were all stupider, we’d probably have the Ass Network and not the WWE Network.
Post-match, Too Cool comes out to celebrate and the San Diego Chicken makes another fucking appearance. He celebrates with Too Cool. Kane glares at the Chicken. Then, Too Cool start their concert and the San Diego Chicken dances with them…*sigh*. Please make this stop. After this is done, Kane goes after the Chicken and slaps a choke on him in the corner. Pete Rose, however, APPEARS BEHIND Kane and Kane chokeslams his goofy ass. Then Bearer does a DX Crotch-chop. Then, Too Cool sets Rose up in the corner for a Stinkface…good god…cut away to Al Snow watching a guy take a dump. Anything, please.
What you call “hell”, McMahon calls “booking”.
It’s STILL not over. Kane does his pyro. Christ, this is LONGER than the match we just saw. Too Cool dances to his music and leaves the ring.
- X-Pac had an injury in late 2000 when Jericho injured Pac’s neck in a botched move. Waltman came back to the WWE in late 2001, when he formed a short-lived team with A-Train and Justin Credible called “X-Factor”. He would leave the WWE again, due to injury and return in 2002 when the nWo came to the WWE. He tried to get involved with the storyline but it was dropped. He would leave the same year. He would join TNA for a few months but left a short time after for unknown reasons (rumors are that he hated writer, Vince Russo) and joined XPW until 2003. He would return to TNA later that year and leave again in 2006. For the next two years, he split his time between three different wrestling promotions before wrestling independently until late 2010. In 2011, he rejoined the WWE as a part of talent relations and scouting. He’s had a hell of a personal life and has had drug issues and, apparently, has also tried to commit suicide. With the help of Kevin Nash, he underwent rehabilitation. He intimated that he abused his then-girlfriend, Alicia Webb, and her son during his worst periods. He is currently signed to a WWE Legends Contract. The WWE knows how to pick ’em.
- Road Dogg left the WWF in 2001 and would wrestle, for the next seven years, in TNA. After this, he would wrestle independently until 2011. He would make an appearance at this year’s Royal Rumble and last five minutes before being ousted by Wade Barrett. He would return to the WWE in 2013 along with Badass Billy Gunn, as the New Age Outlaws, having had a short reign as WWE Tag Team Champions. I’d say “OF THE WOOOOOOORLD” but it’s not my place. Time will tell if the Outlaws will be at Wrestlemania XXX.
FINALLY, we cut to the back where the Rock waits. He runs his usual promo.
Michael Clarke Duncan, Martin Short, and French Stewart are all at ringside for Wrestlemania, as is Dustin Diamond.
MAIN EVENT: Triple H (champion) (w/ Stephanie McMahon) vs. Mick Foley (challenger) (w/ Linda McMahon) vs. Big Show (challenger) (w/ Shane McMahon) vs. The Rock (challenger) (w/ Vince McMahon) in a Fatal Four-Way Match for the WWF Championship
Foley is out first, then Show. Rock out next, then Triple H. This is the most overbooked POS Main Event I’ve ever seen. The only reason Triple H won or was even holding the belt this long was because he was being groomed as Vince’s successor behind the scenes. The Big Show should have been getting some sort of push here. He just didn’t, probably because he couldn’t carry the company with the same charisma. The Rock deserved this match. He’s always great. Triple H is incredibly talented…but I don’t understand (and continue to not understand) Mick Foley. His best years were WAY behind him. He can barely walk and he’s NOT a Heavyweight Champion-type. He’s an overhyped Hardcore wrestler. The match is a gigantic fuckload of overbooking. The first one to go is Big Show which happens when Shane gets on the mat to distract the ref. Show goes off one of the ropes to run at The Rock with his back turned. Foley, however, decks Show with a chair, Rock turns around and hits the Rock Bottom and pins Show. One away. After this, all three wrestlers stand there, forever, wondering about who should attack who…this goes on…and on…and on…FOR…EVER…JESUS, SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING! Rock and Foley attack Triple H which ends up with a free-for-all on the floor. Mick ends up getting his 2×4 covered in barb wire but Triple H knocks it away and uses it against Mick instead. Mick hits the Mandible Claw shortly after this and Rock uses the belt to knock Triple H the fuck out. Rock goes for the People’s Elbow but is interrupted by Mick’s Mandible Claw. Triple H busts them out with a double low blow. Foley nearly gets a fall on both Triple H and Rock after this but it’s not to be. Foley has a chair in the ring and goes after Rock with it. Rock DDT’s Foley but Triple H breaks it up. Foley is up first and negotiates with Triple H to eliminate The Rock. He agrees. Triple H hits a knee lift on Rock and so does Foley who covers for two. Then a HHH kneedrop. Foley knocks Rock out of the ring and goes after him. Triple H follows. Foley tries to toss Rock away but Rock reverses and throws him into the ring steps. Foley picks up the stairs and nails the Rock with them. Outside, Steph and her Mom yell at one another. Triple H puts Rock on the Spanish Announce Table…oh boy. Mick on the second rope and completely MISSES the table, hitting his arm on it instead. Triple H hits an elbow on Rock, then another. Inside the ring, Triple H goes for a Pedigree and hits it. 1…2…Foley kicks out. Triple H shoves the ref but cannot be DQ’ed for it. Triple H grabs a chair and just swings it at Foley’s head like a baseball bat. Triple H pulls him up and hits a Pedigree on the chair. Forget it. It’s just Triple H and The Rock like it SHOULD have been. As Foley leaves the ring, he gets a nice standing ovation. Foley gets a 2×4 with the barbed wire and rushes the ring, decking HHH with it. HHH is out. Rock comes in and pins him…1…2…kick out. The match’s action goes outside where Rock pounds Triple H outside. Rock has the steel steps and Triple H counters with a chair. Triple H pounds the steel with the chair over and over. Triple H hits a HUGE piledriver right on the steel steps. Triple H goes for a cover inside the ring…1…2…kick out. The two trade punches and Rock NEARLY gets a Rock Bottom. Then Triple H counters with a Pedigree but Rock body drops him outside the ring. Outside, Vince McMahon paces like a wildcat. The two wrestlers go into the crowd. They beat each other senseless, then move back to the outside of the ring where Rock hits a double-leg takedown. Rock suplexes Triple H into the other announce table. Sheesh. The two get up and Rock stumbles toward HHH who hits a drop toehold…THEN VINCE ATTACKS HHH! Shane comes in next and belts his Dad. The two fight outside. Shane picks up a monitor and belts his Dad with it. Shane yells at the ref. Both HHH and The Rock are down inside the ring. Vince gets up and attacks his son, punching him. Shane knocks Vince down, gets a chair, then whacks his Dad in the head with it. Shane blows kisses at his father. For some reason, Michael Clarke Duncan is yelling at Shane and even shoves him. Stupid. Patterson and Brisco bring Vince to the back of the arena. JR actually says, “Vince is losing blood by the quart” even though Vince has a minor cut on his forehead. JR needs to shut his mouth. I’ve never heard him oversell this shit. In the ring, both men conveniently wake up and start to wrestle. Rock hits his set-up moves until HHH hits his knee lift. He grabs the barb wire bat and hits Rock with it. Outside, Shane has a chair and is ready to use it. He gets into the ring, ready to light up HHH with it. Rock counters the Pedigree and sends him flying into Shane! Rock hits the ROCK BOTTOM! No cover. Both men are out. Shane grabs a chair. But here comes Vince! He hits a low blow on Shane and knocks him out of the ring! Vince has the chair and swings…AT THE ROCK!!! Rock is out!!! Triple H goes for a cover…1…2…KICK OUT! Vince cannot believe it! So Vince clocks Rock again and Triple H wins because fuck the fans.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Triple H via chair shots
GRADE: C+. Overbooking and a screwjob. Yeah, this was just ok.
Post-match, fans throw garbage at the ring. No call for this, regardless of how fucking stupid and nonsensical this was. Vince makes up with his daughter in the ring. Shane steps in next, sore as hell, cupping his balls. The Rock comes running back in and hits a HUGE Rock Bottom on Shane and then one on Vince! The Rock stares at Steph…ho boy…Steph points at Vince and Shane and asks him what he’s done, then she slaps Rock who gives her a Rock Bottom.
So, let’s see – two women attacked in one show. Triple H tries to save her but Rock slaps him, then hits the People’s Elbow, sending the crowd home happy.
Post-match, Rock goes to the back while The McMahon Family recovers. Steph looks legitimately injured and is not moving in the ring. The refs help Vince back. Shane is being helped, too, while Triple H helps his wife.
OVERALL: B-…and it’s because we had two legendary matches. The main event left me wanting.
Until next time!