This year, Wrestlemania took place at the huge Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan.
Because the dead bodies were mounting, Vince McMahon instituted a “Wellness Policy” where all of his performers were screened for drug and steroid use. This served to prove that McMahon was running a clean operation and, also, to keep his nose clean in case any wrestler’s family attempted to sue him into outer space.
As for storylines:
- Donald Trump, who has had past relations with the WWE, got into a storyline with Vince McMahon. After winning his “match” against “Rosie O’Donnell” (younger wrestlers were playing the two), and pouring hundreds of dollars all over the arena for the fans during McMahon’s “appreciation night”, Vince McMahon got upset. The two men were friendly but came up with an idea: both would choose a WWE wrestler to represent them. If a representative lost, the losing billionaire would have his head shaved.
- In a repeat of last year, Rob Van Dam cashed in his Money in the Bank contract and beat John Cena at an ECW event. Next month, on RAW, Cena and Edge would face RVD in a Triple Threat match and Edge would win the title. Cena would get the title back, two months later, at Unforgiven in a TLC Match. At the Royal Rumble, The Undertaker would win and make his decision to face Batista. The WWE Title had no challenger, so a Triple Threat Match was made between Randy Orton, Edge, and Shawn Michaels to determine who would face John Cena…and because “The Kliq” obviously still ran things in 2007, Shawn Michaels refused to put Orton and Edge over and won the match. Cena would defend against Michaels here.
- As I said, The Undertaker won the Rumble and would choose to face Batista. Because Rey Mysterio was a shitty champion, he’d drop the title to King Booker at the Great American Bash. Booker, in turn, would face Batista in a “Last Chance Match”. If Batista didn’t win this, he’d never get a shot at the title again. He would end up beating Booker at Survivor Series and become the World Heavyweight Champion. The match at Wrestlemania had some bad blood behind it as The Undertaker would constantly attack Batista to wear him down. Batista, by the end of the feud, declared he had “lost all respect” for The Undertaker and would end his streak at Wrestlemania.
- There was also an ECW feud…but who the fuck cares?
- This year’s Money in the Bank Match would have eight guys in it, not just six…I will illustrate on it later.
- Lastly, Chris Benoit would defend the United States Championship against newcomer, MVP.
Ready? Ok…I’ll wait…but hurry up…ok, ready?
Let’s go!!!
We open with a Wrestlemania package narrated by David Keith.
Then, we get a clip from 20 years ago when Vince McMahon welcomed fans to Wrestlemania III at the Pontiac Silverdome in Detroit, Michigan…
“America, the Beautiful” is sung by Aretha Franklin, just like 20 years ago. Her voice isn’t what it was but, still, a nice tribute. I love the video package about our military, complete with a Diva shoving her boobs into the face of one of our troops. ‘MURICA!
Then, yet, ANOTHER video package of each wrestler saying “this our day/night/event/year/kid/gun/guitar/giraffe.”
We are LIVE from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan!
Your commentators are:
RAW – Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler.
SMACKDOWN – Michael Cole and John “Bradshaw” Layfield
ECW – Joey Styles and Tazz
MATCH #1: Edge, CM Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Randy Orton, Finlay, King Booker and Mr. Kennedy in a Money in the Bank Match
You know what just be totally unexpected? Jeff Hardy just leaps twenty feet in the air, grabs the case and comes down and this is all done. Just a thought. A bunch of people try to climb the ladder early but this doesn’t work. Booker does a Spinaroonie instead of climbing the ladder because strategy sucka. Jeff Hardy is fucking insane and will leap off the top of the arena. Edge Spears the entire ring and nearly hits one on Punk but Punk leaps away, letting Edge fly into the ringpost. Punk has no ladder until he picks one up and uses it like a helicopter, taking out the ring. Edge gets the BFL (Big Fucking Ladder) from under The Home Depot Express under the ring but Orton knocks him off. Matt Hardy puts Edge on a ladder that’s extended between the announce table and the ring and tells Jeff to get on the gigantic BFL and jump on Edge. He does and nearly kills himself. In the ring, Orton RKO’s like three or four wrestlers and goes for the case before Punk gets to him. Edge is put on a stretcher by the EMT’s and is taken to the back. Orton and Punk have side by side ladders and Orton RKO’s Punk from the top of the ladder. Booker takes advantage and climbs and Orton tries to stop him. However, Booker hits The Book End and continues to climb. Suddenly, Matt Hardy tries to stop him but Queen Sharmell stops him. Matt Hardy goes after Sharmell and Booker decides to go after Hardy while JBL actually says, “Booker, forget her! I’ve left PLENTY OF WOMEN!” HA! Hardy hits The Twist of Fate and goes up but Finlay stops Hardy and hits a Twist of Fate and I think we’re going into a formula here – Finisher, Climb, Interrupt, Repeat. Suddenly, outta fucking nowhere, Hornswaggle shows up and goes up the ladder instead of Finlay. Mr. Kennedy goes after Hornswaggle and Hornswaggle decks him. Mr. Kennedy puts Hornswaggle on his shoulder and hits his finisher. Fuck. Finaly interrupts and smacks Kennedy. Then he climbs. Punk is in the ring now. He dropkicks the ladder and Finlay falls. Punk sets a ladder up and goes…he climbs and the guys cheer him on. Kennedy smacks Punk and weighs Punk’s head down. Punk kicks Kennedy, then boots him off but Kennedy retaliates. Kennedy climbs and grabs it for the win.
WINNER: Kennedy
GRADE: Solid B…would have been higher if not for the bullshit with Hornswaggle, one of the worst ideas in the WWE.
- Booker was suspended by the WWE after being linked to a company that was distributing steroids. Booker denied any association and, in protest, asked for his release from the company. It was granted. Booker would go on to wrestle, for the next three years, in TNA. He would return to the WWE in 2011, doing commentary and occasional wrestling spots. He currently works behind the scenes.
- His wife, Sharmell Huffman, left the WWE at the same time and would be with Booker at TNA. She would leave in 2009.
We get an “All Grown Up” promo with Batista.
We get a promo for Steve Austin’s “The Hunger Games” “The Condemned”. In it, we get audience members who gush over it, hailing Austin for his physique and his smartass attitude. One audience member says he was “hoarse from screaming”. I wasn’t sure if he meant that the movie made him scream or the fact that he screamed because he burned his hand from lighting his money on fire. Another audience member says, “Everyone loved it. The audience was laughing at all the funny lines.” One of the funny exchanges shown (I’m not making this up):
Guy: “Where are you from?”
Austin: “Alaska.”
Guy: “Whereabouts?”
Austin: “A little fishing village called, ‘I Just Fucked Your Mama’.”
This is complete with a night-vision shot of the entire (presumably Deep South) audience laughing like hyenas.
Mr. Kennedy is being interviewed. He’d like to send a message to superstars wearing gold because he’ll be coming for them. Kennedy yells and yells and says MONEY IN THE BANK at the end to prove he’s a badass. Then, says “BANK” again to show us what a linguist he is.
MATCH #2: The Great Khali vs. Kane
Out is Khali who has a very subdued theme. Then fire hits and Kane is out to kick some ass. Khali was kinda set up as this monster heel that went face. He’s one-note. He’s been champion before but he’s just not somebody who can carry the company. He takes over the match for the first half before Kane takes over and belts Khali in the corner. Khali shoves him down with one hand. That’s the first time I’ve ever seen anybody do that. He hits a flying clothesline but Khali won’t go down. He boots Khali and he falls backwards and gets tied up in the ropes. He beats up Khali and goes under the ring for a chain and hook. They trade punches but Khali finally knocks Kane down. He rips open a turnbuckle but Kane hits a low blow with the chain and hits a body slam but only gets two. Kane goes for the Chokeslam From Hell and Khali retaliates. Kane off the ropes and runs into Khali and the Khali Bomb. Then he steps on the chest of Kane and gets the pin.
WINNER: The Great Khali (?!)
GRADE: Short match that was actually more entertaining than it should have been. B-. (What the fuck was I smoking here?)
Post-match, Khali chokes Kane. There’s nobody to save us from the evil Middle Eastern Guy! Hulk Hogan…you’ve failed us…
The Divas talk about being “All Grown Up”. They show little kid versions of themselves…and even at seven years old, they still looked like models, which disturbs me.
JTG and his pal are with Eugene and want to show him a good time. They bring him into a room with dancing girls. Eugene freaks when he sees Mae and Moolah dressed like those women. Then Slick shows up for no reason and dances. But, then, Dusty Rhodes also shows up and this is the worst dream I’ve ever had…it gets worse – Sgt. Slaugher, IRS and Jimmy Hart all show up…then Mean Gene. Then Ricky Steamboat and Brisco and then…Ron Simmons. Damn. Then he leaves and everyone dances. *Sigh*…that’s four minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
The Detroit Tigers are at ringside. The city of Detroit pretends to be excited.
MATCH #3: MVP (challenger) vs. Chris Benoit (champion) for the WWE United States Championship
MVP comes out with cheerleaders surrounding him. Creepy Chris is out next. Fuck the match. Benoit wins. I’m done reporting him. I don’t care about the match and I’m not gonna grade it. I have something to say and I’m finally going to say it.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Christ Benoit
GRADE: D+.
- Benoit was drafted to the ECW side of things a couple of months later…then didn’t show for weekend house shows. He claimed to have “a family emergency”, claiming that his wife and son had extreme food poisoning. It turns out the story was much different. On June 22nd, 2007, Chris Benoit strangled his wife and murdered her. She also had blood under her head, suggesting that Benoit had cracked her head while she struggled. Then, he murdered his son by strangling him. This, after drugging his son with Xanax so he wouldn’t feel it. Then, he sat in the same house for two straight days before he hung himself using his weight machine. He was drugged with Xanax, Hydrocodone and synthetic levels of Testosterone. Benoit was 40. His wife was 43. His son, Daniel, was only 7 years old…now…here’s what disgusts me:
- The WWE, for once, did the right thing and distanced themselves from Benoit. Did you follow their example? No. As details of the murders came to light, I watched many fans say things like “RIP Benoit/We love you Chris/You are so awesome”…even after he was found to have STRANGLED AND KILLED BOTH HIS WIFE AND 7-YEAR-OLD CHILD. Then, I watched as excuses just poured out – “Oh, the drugs did it/Benoit was probably in a dark place/You don’t know the man or how he was feeling”. You know what? All of you who said these things, who defended the man, who kept on defending him even though he was unmasked as a lying, cheating scumbag who BEAT HIS WIFE ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS and ended up MURDERING HER AND HIS OWN KID – you’re all fucked in the head. The man took shots to the head and was abusive for YEARS before the brain damage. All of you who defended him are clueless fools. Let me explain something to all of you: it’s one thing to know the facts…it’s another to be blindly ignorant and incompetent. What Chris Benoit did was reprehensible, disgusting, cowardly, and horrible. What he had done to his wife for years beforehand, was just as bad. Calling him “great” and continuing to idolize him BECOMES FUCKING MOOT. Statements such as, “The drugs did it” (they didn’t – they just helped add to it), “Benoit was in a dark place” and “you don’t know how he was feeling” are cop-out, bullshit remarks made by people who a) are incorrect in their thinking and b) don’t want to admit that they’re backing a scumbag and c) want to be and remain ignorant. The drugs and his mental state might have become a factor but they don’t cause somebody to go on a murdering rampage. Had it been insanity, Benoit could have walked on a technicality. This leads to Benoit “being in a dark place” which is also complete bullshit. Your own personal hell shouldn’t have an effect on other people. And I don’t give a damn about how “Benoit was feeling” unless you want to discuss that Benoit was feeling like a cowardly, rage-filled asshole, the person he’s ALWAYS been. And I know it’s been almost years after the fact…but using Google to get a pulse on how people feel about it today made me just as angry as I was in 2007. I found that most of you were STILL in complete denial and showed the same ignorance you showed when you first defended him. I saw remarks like, “Let it go”, “it’s been years” and “don’t take away from his skills in the ring”. All I know is that Chris Benoit was a man with demons which he chose to unleash on his family, who paid a very dear price for it. He was out of his fucking mind and was a horrible person by all accounts. And if NONE of you (the ones who defended him – I’m not using a broad brush here) can turn a corner and say, “You’re right. We were wrong. What Benoit did was a sickening and disgusting act of evil cowardice”, then all of you are just as insane and stupid as he was. In doing so, you not only justify what he did, you also prop up a sick man as a hero and saint. Your way of thinking is as heartless and stupefying as it is irresponsible and I have nothing but pity for you. END RANT. (2012)
There. I’m done.
(It’s 2014. I wrote that two years ago. Looking back on this rant — which I’m keeping because I want to see who I was –, I have to say that, while I don’t regret it, it was probably more overdramatic then it should have been. However, my point stands and my rant is warranted. Benoit was abusive years before this. He could obviously control himself around others who were at his level. He was abusive to his wife who was smaller than he was. He had a history of this horrible behavior. If he were truly murderous all of the time, he’d have been declared unfit to perform or even function. It was a combination of things that culminated with this tragedy…but, ultimately, Benoit was responsible for his own behavior. He could have helped himself at any time but he took the coward’s way out. It’s fucked up, the whole thing. I can see why the fans loved him. I think he was a great wrestler. And the whole mess DOESN’T take away from his abilities, they’re right. It does, however, overshadow them. Nobody will watch Benoit and think, exclusively, about the things he did in the ring. They have to remember how this all ended and I cannot help but think they’d have to be disturbed by it. What Benoit did was wrong. Drugs and booze played into it. The concussion stuff was never proven. But, above all, Benoit was a terrible, ugly person who had a history of being verbally and physically abusive. THAT should ring some alarm bells for everyone still on the “Benoit did it because drugs and booze and concussions”. He was THAT PERSON BEFORE ALL OF THAT. The rest of that shit might have finally pushed him over the edge but the dude was an asshole, period. Now, I’m done. And if you’re still with me after all that, congrats. This is about as serious as this gets.)
Back to the action.
We get a WWE Shop promo.
An “All Grown Up” promo for the Undertaker. I cannot believe we don’t get to see Little Undertaker. I feel profoundly ripped off.
Donald Trump is backstage on his cellphone saying he’s hungry and thirsty and being treated horribly. His daughter is sitting next to him. Suddenly, Boogeyman appears from behind the couch and red light fills the place. His daughter screams and runs off but Trump is not fazed in the slightest. He asks if Trump wants something to eat. Trump says, “Look, if you can get me a sandwich, I’d be happy.” Boogeyman says, “A sandwich…okay, a sandwich…” and ducks behind the couch again. Trump says okay. Then he says he will get Boogeyman some worms if he gets a sandwich. He asks Trump if Trump wants a worm sandwich. Trump’s like, whatever.
- Marty Wright, AKA “The Boogeyman”, was released by the WWE in 2009 after several minor feuds. He wrestles independently.
We get a Hall of Fame promo.
80,103 people are at Ford Field. A record for an event at the venue, of course.
Howard Finkel brings in the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2007:
- Announcer Jim Ross
- Curt Henning (his family is here)
- Jerry “The King” Lawler
- Nick Bockwinkel
- Mr. Fuji
- The Wild Samoans
- The Sheik (his wife is here)
- Dusty Rhodes
Further padding things out, 82 percent of AT&T users think that The Undertaker will beat Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship.
And now, the lead-up promo for the match…
MATCH #4: The Undertaker (challenger) vs. Batista (champion) for the World Heavyweight Championship
Batista out first with his usual fanfare. Monks out next with flaming torches. Pyro and lightning and the lights go out…requiem gong. Here comes the Undertaker. By now, the Undertaker had practically converted himself into an MMA fighter. He goes into a brawl with Taker and, at one point, hits a flying shoulderblock. He levels Taker with a huge clothesline. The two trade shots and go into “BOO” and “YAY” mode when they hit each other. Undertaker hits a double clothesline in the corner and then a regular clothesline. Undertaker hits Snake Eyes and a Big Boot, then a Legdrop. Undertaker gets a two count and says, “I knew Hogan’s moves didn’t really work!” Undertaker goes for Old School and hits it. He goes for a Chokeslam but Batista powers out of it. Undertaker hits a flying clothesline off the ropes. Batista to the outside and Taker follows him and bounces his head off the steel steps. Taker elbows his head while it’s on the mat. Undertaker gets on the mat and goes for the Guillotine Leg Drop and Batista falls to the outside. Taker, from inside the ring, hits a flying clothesline to Batista who is outside the ring. Both men are out. Taker gets up and batters Batista. He goes in and breaks the count from the ref. Batitsa tosses Taker into a set of chairs outside the ring. Batista goes outside and pounds on Taker. Then goes inside to break the count. Then back outside. Batista clears the announce table. Undertaker wobbles over and Batista places him on it. Batista picks up Undertaker and Powerslams Undertaker through the table. I don’t get how the ref has counted out both men by now. I guess it’s now the count of convenience. Finally back in the ring, Batista beats on Taker and gets a two-count. Batista goes for the Batista Bomb but Taker runs him into the corner and hits a high elbow. Then another one. He tosses Batista to the corner but Batista counters with a belly to belly suplex and gets a two count. Batista gets to his feet and pounds the Undertaker on the turnbuckle. The Undertaker hits the Last Ride and gets a near-fall. Taker is tossed into the ropes and Batista hits a HUGE Spinebuster…but the Undertaker does his Zombie Sit-up. He goes for the Batista Bomb but Undertaker hits the Chokeslam From Hell. Another near-fall. He signals for the Tombstone and goes for it but Batista hits the Spear. He goes for the Batista Bomb and gets it. Taker kicks out. Batista goes for another one but Taker reverses and back body drops him. Batista goes for a powerslam but Undertaker counters and goes for a Tombstone and hits it. Undertaker is your new champion.
WINNER: The Undertaker via Tombstone
GRADE: I want to like this match but this is just another honorable mention and a C- effort, at best. The Undertaker was now 15-0 at Wrestlemania.
Post-match, Undertaker just looks around and hails the crowd, holding up the belt. It’s been ten long years since he last won it at Wrestlemania and I find that honorable. Undertaker gets to the entrance ramp and turns…the fog swells around him and he raises the belt to fire around him.
An “All Grown Up” salute by Bobby Lashley.
Vince McMahon is backstage checking himself out in the mirror. Steph visits with her new baby. Then he snaps at Steph and Steph just glares at her Dad while Vince talks about the horrible things he’s gonna do to Donald Trump and Steph tells her Dad to stop talking this way. He smells something and says “She just took a TRUMP.”
What you call hell, the WWE calls “stalling”.
MATCH #5: The ECW Originals (Sabu, The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer & Rob Van Dam) vs. The New Breed (Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von, Matt Striker, and Kevin Thorne) (w/ Ariel)
The Originals are out first. Breed out last. I don’t care about this match. The WWE, for some reason, went to ECW again, which was complete crap. Nobody cares about these guys and this match was just a waste of time. Eight men in one match and it’s only 7 minutes long. Great booking. The match is won by the Originals after RVD misses his Five Star Splash then hits his corner catapult. He hits Rolling Thunder and gets taken out. Then all hell breaks loose and everyone starts hitting their finishing moves. RVD gets back in and hits his Five Star Frog Splash for the win.
WINNER: RVD via FSFS
GRADE: D+. Meh. If you think I’m being cavalier, I’m not…just check out the track record for these guys:
- Rob Van Dam would leave the WWE in 2007 to tend to his ailing wife, who had cancer. He currently wrestles with TNA and made a small return to the WWE a couple years ago, leaving shortly thereafter.
- Tommy Dreamer continued to wrestle for WWE’s ECW faction until 2010. He lost a “retirement” match. Dreamer would wrestle independently before settling in TNA. He would wrestle his last match in June of 2011 and retire.
- Sabu would get released after Wrestlemania. He would go on to wrestle independently and had stops in Juggaboo and TNA.
- James Fullington (AKA “The Sandman”) was released from the WWE in 2007 due to injury. He would wrestle, independently, until 2010 and made a short stop in TNA the same year.
- Elijah Burke would wrestle until 2008 when he was released from the WWE. His only other Wrestlemania appearance was a Dark Match, which I don’t ever count. He wrestled independently before joining TNA where he currently resides.
- Monty Brown (AKA “Marcus Cor Von”) left the WWE in late 2007 and would go on to wrestle to wrestle for Sault Area Wrestling before taking a break to become a personal trainer.
- Matt Striker moved from wrestling to behind the scenes work for the WWE and is currently the host of WWE NXT.
- Kevin Fertig (AKA “Kevin Thorne”) was demoted to FCW, the WWE’s development program. He was offered a new contract but declined and left in 2009. He now wrestles independently.
- Shelly Martinez (AKA “Ariel”) was released shortly after Wrestlemania. She went to TNA for a year and sometimes wrestles independently.
Are we done with ECW? Please say we are.
Moving on…
We get an All Grown Up spot for Austin complete with a little Austin. I STILL wanna see a mini-Undertaker! I feel ripped off!!!
We get a tease for next year’s Wrestlemania at the Citrus Bowl in Orlando, Florida.
Tommy Hearns is at ringside right now.
We get the lead-up promo for the Battle of the Billionaires Match.
MATCH #6: WWE Intercontinental Champion Umaga (w/ Armando Estrada & Vince McMahon) vs. ECW World Champion Bobby Lashley (w/ Donald Trump) in a Hair vs. Hair Match with Special Guest Referee: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin
Vince McMahon is out walking the ramp…like a BOSS. Heh. He stops at the barber chair and smiles. Umaga and Armando out next. Trump and his mistress…daughter…sister…I have no idea who that is. Anyway, they’re out next. Bobby Lashley out after this. We’ve spent so long on entrances and lead-up…this match better be good. Out next is none other than Stone Cold Steve Austin. The match already breaks into hell when Estrada interferes and places Umaga’s foot on the ropes after an obvious pin. Lashley goes after Estrada, kicks the shit out of him and tosses him out. Then Umaga charges but Lashley ducks and Umaga flies outside, too. Back in the ring, Lashley punches Umaga. Then Lashley charges at Umaga but misses completely and he flies outside. Umaga hits a running splash but only gets two. He chokes Lashley and Austin tells him to stop, repeatedly. Umaga doesn’t listen, so Austin hits him and Umaga stares him down. Umaga chokes again and doesn’t listen so Austin pulls Umaga off and Umaga just glares. Lashley starts punching Umaga but Umaga retaliates with a clothesline. Lashley tries to take over but Umaga catches him and hits a Samoan Drop. Lashley tries a body slam but Umaga lands on him. McMahon gets on the mat to distract Austin but it backfires when Umaga tosses Lashley into McMahon. Lashley up after a slam and tosses all of Umaga OFF the turnbuckle. He hits a clothesline after that. Austin counts both men down but stops at nine, making the match go on. He tells the ring announcer that there will be no countouts. Shane comes to his father’s aid. Umaga hits a clothesline. Umaga continues to defy Austin and Austin pulls Umaga off of him. Shane distracts and Umaga hits a Samoan Strike. No ref now. Shane in with Umaga. Lashley up. Shane starts punching Lashley and shuffles. Lashley grabs him but Umaga makes the save. No Hulk Hogan…sigh…I feel so terrible. Umaga beats him in a corner while Vince pulls a garbage can from under Home Depot Express. Shane puts it on Lashley’s chest. Shane gives Trump a thumbs up and Trump looks worried. Shane does a Coast to Coast and nails Lashley. Shane takes his shirt off and reveals a referee shirt. He drags Lashley into the middle of the ring. Umaga steps inside and goes to the top ropes and hits his Samoan Splash. 1…2…AUSTIN IS AWAKE AND PULLS SHANE OUT!!! HE BEATS THE HELL OUT OF HIM!!! Then he gets in the ring but Umaga hits a Samoan Strike while Vince taunts him. Trump, already displaying his Republican Chickenhawk tendencies just does nothing but look confused…then, FINALLY attacks McMahon. Now I’ve seen everything. Austin in the ring. Umaga hits a choke and clotheslines Austin but Austin ducks and hits a Stunner which Umaga doesn’t sell one bit. Instead he falls backward and Lashley hits a Spear. Austin counts the pin and the bell even goes off at 2 because the person ringing the bell did it too early.
WINNER: Lashley via Spear
GRADE: D+ match. Saved only by Austin beating Shane and Vince getting his head shaved. Jesus. We dedicated over 20 minutes to this crap.
Post-match, McMahon sneaks off while Austin, Lashley and Trump celebrate. He walks off but Lashley runs after him, putting Vince over his shoulder. Vince yells at Lashley and bumps into Vince. He reaches behind him and feels a bald head. The chair is brought inside the ring. Austin gives Vince a Stunner. Lashley straps Vince to the chair. King ressurects the “bad barber” joke from Wrestlemania 21 regarding the straps. Austin holds Vince’s head while Lashley and Trump shave McMahon’s head. First they use the trimmer, then put cream on his head. Lashley acts like he’s frosting a giant cupcake. Christ, that’s a lot of shaving cream. Austin opens a beer and celebrates. They let him go. He looks around. Lashley shows Vince his reflection and Vince freaks and leaves. Austin gets some beers and celebrates with Trump and Lashley. Then, because we haven’t suffered enough, Austin hits a Stunner on Donald Trump. Good god. Watching all this was like spending hours at a children’s birthday party. Then, in case we didn’t get how “epic” it was, the WWE shows REPLAYS of everything. Then, we get CLOSE-UP SHOTS OF VINCE’S HAIR AND SHAVING CREAM ON THE GROUND!!! PLEASE!!! SPARE US NOTHING!!!
- Bobby Lashley suffered an injury in 2007 and left to rest it. After six months, he announced that he was released from the WWE. He would wrestle with TNA as well as independently for the next three years and had a fairly successful MMA career.
An “All Grown Up” spot with John Cena.
A Backlash promo.
Bradshaw and Cole talk about the last match.
Further padding things – highlights from the DARK MATCH earlier. Nobody cares if Carlito beat Chavo Guerrero…come on.
Cole talks about the Undertaker match…yeah…we saw it. You called it and already talked about it. Then, Cole starts talking about the fucking ECW! Thankfully, this is interrupted by the next match.
MATCH #7: Melina (champion) vs. Ashley (challenger) in a Lumberjill Championship Match for the WWE Women’s Championship
More stalling. Plus, we have to have every Diva to help out because everyone needs to get paid tonight. Your lumberjills are Mickie James, Layla, Jillian Hall, Candice Michelle, Kelly Kelly, Trinity, Torrie Wilson, Brooke Adams, Kristall Marshall, Michelle McCool, Maria, and Victoria…sigh…can’t wait to write the “Where Are They Now” for this…anyhow…Melina wins with a roll-up pin, the Half-Assed 2-Dollar Convenience Store Flower Bouquet of finishes. The crowd goes wild. If by “wild”, you mean, “they went, ‘oh…ok, great…uh, next match?”
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Melina via roll-up
GRADE: F+.
Post-match, all the lumberjills get in the ring and fight. The crowd is even more quiet.
- Stephanie Finochio, AKA “Trinity”, is a stuntwoman and was released from the WWE following Wrestlemania. She is still working as a stuntwoman.
- Brooke Adams was released in late 2007. She currently works as a model and also wrestles with TNA.
- Kristal Marshall is the real-life girlfriend of Bobby Lashley. She was released in 2007, following Wrestlemania. She worked for TNA for a year, until 2010, before assisting Lashley in his MMA career.
Well…that wasn’t so bad, I guess.
An “All Grown Up” spot for Shawn Michaels. He claims that, all his life, “he wanted to be the center of attention”. Yeah…you did that tonight.
Almost 60 percent of AT&T voters think that Cena will win tonight.
Lead-up promo for the match.
MATCH #8: Shawn Michaels (challenger) vs. John Cena (champion) for the WWE Championship
We get a DX entrance for Michaels. I don’t even get how you could resurrect DX. The competitors were in their prime years ago and they’re older than dirt right now plus they book themselves over everyone else. A Ford Mustang speeds through the streets of Downtown Detroit and stops at Ford Field. It goes into the backstage ramp, then crashes through Wrestlemania plate-glass. Cena’s music starts and out of the Mustang is Cena. The crowd is booing. A fan jumps into the ring and removes his shirt but he’s escorted from the ring. Match starts and Shawn Michaels extends his hand. Cena takes it and Shawn slaps Cena. Cena tries to punch at Michaels but misses and Shawn punches him. Cena down again. The two trade their usual holds and punches and Cena gets the upper hand. Dallas Press by Michaels, then he hip tosses Cena outside. Michaels hits a Springboard Moonsault after Cena catches him with an Enzuguri. Michaels Flair Chops Cena inside the ring. Michaels hits Cena in the face. Flair Chop. We’re hitting mass slow-down here with Michaels carrying things. Michaels hurts Cena’s foot after Cena tries to kick him. He stomps on Cena’s leg and then runs it into the ringpost from the outside. Then Michaels walks over to Cena like he’s Michael Myers and starts stomping Cena. He puts a shoulder into the leg. Good god…ten minutes of complete boredom. He Flair chops Cena. Michaels uses the ropes to further hurt Cena’s leg. Then a kick. JR actually says, “Cena is a great striker.” Right. Anything to push Cena, huh, Jim? Cena goes down and Michaels kneels and, suddenly, the ring mics are off. Michaels looks like he’s asking if Cena is okay. They continue. Cena hits some punches then Michaels with a charging shoulderblock…13 minutes have gone by and we’re still being boring. They exchange punches and chops. Michaels with another rush but Cena gets away. Cena looks hurt. Micheals has now bladed. Really? THAT was worth blading for? Cena FINALLY hits a clothesline and begins to punch Michaels. The crowd is booing loud. Shoulderblock on Michaels. Another. Cena Bomb. Five-Knuckle Shuffle with MASSIVE heat. U Can’t See Me and there it is. Michaels up and Cena goes for the F.U. but Michaels counters and gets out. Irish Whip into the corner and Cena misses a clothesline…Sweet Chin Music hits the ref. Cena tries the F.U. and Michaels counters with a nice DDT. Michaels gets up and goes outside the ring. He goes and knocks the steel steps down. Then he drags Cena outside. Michaels goes for a piledriver and hits it. Cena is out. Cena is cut. You know, because he rammed his head into the steel steps. Ross sells this with “Cena will be laying in a pool of his own blood in a quest to remain champion.” Jesus, not even close, Jim. A new ref arrives and a close two-count. Forearm by Michaels and flip-up. Top rope and Michaels hits the Flying Elbow. He sets up for Sweet Chin Music. He goes to kick but Cena hits a lunging Clothesline. Ross says this is “smash mouth” and “a slobberknocker”. Christ, how do I replace him with Tazz? They trade punches. Michaels off the ropes but Cena with the F.U….Michaels counters with a sunset flip and a close fall. Flair chop. Cena into the ropes and into the F. U. and he hits it. He covers and Michaels kicks out. Cena picks Michaels up and puts him on the turnbuckle. Cena sets up for the F.U. again because, apparently, that’s the only move he knows. Michaels shoves him off. He hits a crossbody but Cena reverses. He goes for, yet, ANOTHER F.U. but it fails. Cena tries the STF but Michaels rolls him up for two. Michaels kicks but Cena catches the foot. Enzuguri counter by Michaels but Cena ducks and FINALLY hits the STFU. He reaches the ropes. The ref pulls Cena off. Cena is pissed and Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music. The cover…1…2…shoulder up. Better hurry and win, John! Don’t wanna pump out too much blood from the scrape gash on your head. Cena with an F.U. (AGAIN) and Michaels gets out. Cena counters with the STFU. Michaels FINALLY taps.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Cena via STF
GRADE: C– match. This match shouldn’t have been NEARLY this long, Michaels carried it and Cena – do you know ANYTHING besides the F.U. or STFU??? I mean, Christ, Michaels made you look like shit.
Post-match, Cena looks emotional. Pyro goes off. Apparently, this was for his Dad.
We get replays.
Cena goes to Michaels but Michaels just shrugs him off and leaves. Cena salutes him. Cena salutes for the crowd who is actually either QUIET OR LEAVING THE ARENA. This should tell you how unpopular Cena is. Then confetti. Yeah, we get it.
This is one of the worst Wrestlemanias I have ever seen. Some horrible matches and two HORRIBLE main events. Overall, I give it a D+. This wasn’t WM 9, but close.
‘Til next time…
— Matt