Welcome to the 24th Wrestlemania review…
I’m just four away from being done here…it would be a LOT faster if I could just NOT do research or explain the matches but I feel I owe anyone reading these. Will I make my deadline by Sunday afternoon??? I think so…tune in to find out! 😀
The WWE went to HD like everyone else in the 21st Century.
And the facts were these:
- Cena tore a pectoral muscle and the title was Vacated. McMahon awarded the title to Randy Orton at No Mercy and had him face Triple H. Who won the title. Again. Because, you know, he just hadn’t won enough times. Anyhow, Orton beat him for it later that night. Cena would return from an injury at the Royal Rumble and win the whole damn thing. Instead of Wrestlemania, Cena chose to face Orton at No Way Out. However, Orton attacked the referee and won his match. After winning the Elimination Chamber, Triple H became Number One Contender. You know. Because he’s not banging Stephanie McMahon or anything. Cena wanted one more shot and got a match at RAW where, if he won, he would be added to the Orton/Triple H match. He won the match and the WWE Title would be defended against both men.
- The Undertaker was so legitimately dinged up that he needed time off. He dropped the title to Edge two months later so he could rest. However, Edge ALSO ended up legitimately injured. The Great Khali would win the title in ensuing Championship Battle Royal only to drop the title to Batista later. However, both the Undertaker and Edge would return at the same time and challenge for the title at Armageddon. Edge would walk away the victor after he received interference help from his Edge Heads, the Major Brothers. Since Cena won at Royal Rumble, the Undertaker would need a win at Elimination Chamber to challenge for the title. He got it, eliminating Batista. He would face a cocky Edge who proclaimed that he would FINALLY end the Undertaker’s streak.
- The Big Show returned as a heel and threatened to break Rey Mysterio’s nose. Boxer, Floyd Mayweather, was in attendance and came to his aid. He stopped it and broke Big Show’s nose. He would challenge Show to a fight at Wrestlemania.
- We would have another Money in the Bank match. Can’t get enough of those.
- Finally, Flair would challenge Shawn Michaels to a match at Wrestlemania. Michaels was hesitant to accept, mainly because Vince McMahon announced, previously, that if Flair lost his next match, he would have to retire. Flair told Michaels to accept the match, saying that it would be an honor to retire because of Shawn Michaels.
I think we’re ready. Let’s get it on…
Jets fly over the Citrus Bowl and Lillian Garcia introduces John Legend to sing America, the Beautiful. Nicely done.
Video package about how epic the epic epicness of Wrestlemania is and blah, blah, blah…actually, these have gotten better and they’re not as pretentious as they used to be.
Then we get more jets and more pyro and ZOMG!!! WE ARE LIVE FROM THE CITRUS BOWL IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA!!!
King and JR are your announcers.
MATCH #1: John “Bradshaw” Layfield vs. Finlay (w/ Hornswoggle) in a Belfast Brawl
We’re seriously recapping the whole “Hornswoggle-is-McMahon’s-Son” storyline. I really thought we would pretend that never happened. JBL actually told McMahon (in storyline) he was sorry for beating Hornswoggle…because he should have done it sooner. HA! I agree. If that means that character gets let go, I am IN. JBL is out first by the way. He doesn’t look at all happy. Finlay out next with Hornswaggle. This is a “Belfast Brawl”. It’s “anything goes” so I guess it’s no-holds-barred or no-DQ or whatever the kids call it these days. Finlay goes to Under-Ring Home Depot and throws a bunch of shit into it. Then he walks in and JBL just throws a garbage can at his head like a fastball and Finlay goes down. Then JBL gets the steel steps cuz fuck those things getting a break for once. JBL tries for a piledriver on them but Finlay counters with a back body drop. Then he hits JBL with the COOKIE SHEET OF DOOM (read the Foley-Edge hardcore match for more on this one). Then JBL beats on Finlay. Then Finlay uses that Irish staff, or whatever, to take out JBL and sends him outside. Finlay puts JBL outside. Then back outside to Under-Ring Home Depot for a table. He puts the table in the corner and goes for the ring steps but JBL bails. JBL knocks Hornswoggle the fuck out. God, yes, do that again. In fact, punt him out of the place. JBL goes inside the ring, then back out. Finlay does an Undertaker Dive out of the ring and hits JBL. JBL puts Finlay inside the ring. He picks up a trash-can…AND JUST FUCKIN’ BEANS HORNSWOGGLE IN THE HEAD. Oh, do that again…please. Finlay uses a trash can, then the lid to knock JBL silly. He hits the Celtic Cross but won’t cover. Instead, he tosses JBL through the table. Cover and two-count. Finlay picks up the steps but JBL hits Finlay in the legs with a Kendo Stick, then hits the REALLY HARD CLOTHESLINE OF DOOM FROM HELL to get the win.
WINNER: JBL via CFH
GRADE: C+ match…which is ONLY a C+ because of JBL kicking the shit out of Hornswoggle.
Post-match, JBL celebrates and Jim Ross, who’s lost complete touch with reality, calls this a “slobberknocker”. Hornswoggle comforts Finlay. Seriously, JBL looks really unhappy. I would be, too, if I was caught in this lame angle.
LIKEOMG! It’s Kim Kardashian backstage!!! Mr. Kennedy interrupts and he’s ready to win the Money in the Bank Title. He yells his name in her face. Bet she’s used to guys yelling in her face before walking away.
MATCH #2: WWE Tag Team Champion John Morrison, Carlito, Shelton Benjamin, CM Punk, Mr. Kennedy, WWE United States Champion M.V.P., and WWE Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho in the Money in the Bank Match
Seven guys this year including a fresh, young John Morrison. Almost every wrestler is on the floor outside…they’re also alive and well…that is, until Morrison WITH HIS LADDER IN HIS ARMS LEAPS OFF THE TOP TURNBUCKLE, FLIPS THROUGH THE AIR AND TAGS EVERYONE IN THE FACE. Holy shit. Jericho tries a Walls of Jericho on Mr. Kennedy, then catapults him at the ladder. But instead of smacking into it, Kennedy just lands on one of the rungs and starts climbing. He’s stopped by Morrison who fights him. Benji climbs the ropes, grabs Kennedy, WHO GRABS MORRISON AND IT’S A THREE-MAN POWERBOMB TO THE MAT! HOLY SHIT! Punk goes to the top but Benji pounds him. Punk watches as Benji climbs but he pulls him down and hits the Go To Sleep. Punk goes up and Carlio and Kennedy stop him. Carlito is still on the ladder and keeps climbing but M.V.P. knocks him off. Carlito uses the ladder to take out MVP’s knee…this is nice and all…but where’s the BFL? I think I see it. It looks like it’s on the mat and announce table. Benji hits an Enzuguri on Carlito. Benji climbs but Mr. Kennedy and Carlito push the ladder forward…AND BENJI FALLS AND GOES THROUGH THE BFL!!! It bends under his weight. Kennedy is focused on the case…but Carlito’s jaw is on the mat in complete shock at what he’s done. The ring is cleared of those guys and Jericho and Morrison fight over the top. Jericho hits a Reverse Walls of Jericho at the top of the ladder, forcing him to let go. He goes after Kennedy who is trying to reach for the suitcase. Suddenly, Carlito and Punk Spider-Man onto the ladders from the ropes as Jericho is the only one on the ladder. Carlito hits the Backstabber off the ladder. The ladders are not empty because all the wrestlers are fucking dead…or they should be. Ouch. MVP is awake and going up…he gets to the case but out of nowhere is MATT HARDY!!! RUH ROH!!! Hardy hits the Twist of Fate!!! He leaves the ring after this. Jericho picks up a ladder and starts using it as a weapon to pick off any wrestlers who still may be up. Another BFL is out and it gets stuck with one of the regular ladders in a “V” shape which Morrison, because he’s a crazy asshole, climbs and uses it to snap back at other wrestlers like a catapult. Carlito hits the top of the ladder but Kennedy interferes…but Punk smacks him with a ladder…Jericho hits the Codebreaker on Punk. Jericho up to the top…he is about to get the case but Punk is up and he shakes the ladder as Jericho kicks him, repeatedly, in the face. Punk kicks back and gets to the case. Both men grab it and fight over it. Punk gets knocked down and Jericho grabs at the case but Punk knocks Jericho upside down! Punk grabs the case and it’s over! He wins Money in the Bank!
WINNER: CM Punk
GRADE: A- MITB this year…I would go higher but you don’t need Matt Hardy.
Post-match, Punk celebrates.
- Carlito would continue to wrestle until 2010 when he would be released after violating the WWE Wellness Policy with an addiction to painkillers. He wrestled for WWC and Independently after that.
Backstage, Cena and Triple H are there. Just so you know.
A WWE Hall of Fame highlight reel from the previous night.
And here is the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2008:
- Jack & Gerry Brisco – Jack died two years later of complications from open heart surgery. He was 68 years old.
- Gordon Solie – Represented by his family
- Rocky Johnson
- High Chief Peter Maivia – Represented by his family
- Eddie Graham – Represented by his brother, Mike Graham
- Mae Young
- Ric Flair – Represented by his family (he had a match that night)
MC Snoop Doggy Dogg is backstage for an interview with Todd “Don’t Call Me John” Grisham. Santino, in his cocky Eurotrash gimmick, confronts Snoop Dogg. This wakes Festus (who is with Dogg), who chases Santino. Mick Foley comes over to talk with Snoop Dogg. He says, “Have a nice…DIZZLE!” and shows Mr. Socko to the camera.
Then we get Jim Ross asking who will win the Triple Threat Match.
Freddie Prinze Jr. is at ringside tonight.
MATCH #3: Batista (representing Smackdown) vs. Umaga (representing RAW)
RAW GM William Regal is in the ring with Smackdown GM Teddy Long. Batista is out first. His entrance is taking forever…this isn’t a Championship match. Umaga out next. These two are well-matched though I’d like to think that this isn’t the direction that Batista wanted to go after winning championships. Umaga tosses Batista around for half the match, stomping on his remains. He puts a nerve hold on Batista and Batista busts out but Umaga just slams Batista into the mat. Umaga on the second turnbuckle and tries the headbutt but Batista moves and tries to slam Umaga but his back gives out and Umaga lands on him for a two-count. Then another dull nerve hold…I’m proud of the crowd, though. They’ve resisted chanting for Hogan to save the day. Batista up and breaks out but Umaga hits a Samoan Drop for two. Then he stands there, holding Batista’s hand, dragging him. Batista tries to break free and does, punching Umaga. Umaga, instead kicks him and puts him in the corner and Batista hits a foot to the face. Umaga goes for his blow but Batista blocks it. Umaga tosses Batista into the corner and tries to charge him but he moves and then hits the Batista Bomb for the pin.
WINNER: Batista via Batista Bomb
GRADE: D-. Not impressed. Umaga rules for six minutes and Batista finally recovers and wins. Geez. I am so happy they no longer have different wrestlers on different shows although having them on the same shows has rarely helped.
- Edward Fatu, AKA “Umaga”, would continue to wrestle until June 2009 when he was released from the WWE for failing to attend rehab meetings after he was suspended for the second time for failing the WWE Wellness Policy. Six months later, Fatu was found not breathing with blood coming out of his nose. He was rushed to the hospital where doctors found that he had fallen victim of a heart attack. A few hours later, Fatu had a second heart attack and died. Toxicology found that he had a mixture of Hydrocodone (I sense a theme with this one), Carisoprodol, and Diazepam in his system. Fatu was only 36 years old.
The Show-Mayweather match is now “No-DQ”. Whatevs. They run a tale of the tape and all the stats prove that Big Show is really, really big.
We get clips from a Dark Match that nobody cared about and how Kane won it.
In the ring is ring announcer, ECW GM Armando Estrada
MATCH #4: Chavo Guerrero (champion) vs. Kane (challenger) for the ECW Championship
Jesus…they still have an ECW at this point? And people cared about it? Chavo out first. He’s really excited about the ECW Championship. Out next is Kane. Except he’s behind Chavo. Kane hits the Chokeslam and he’s the new champ.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Kane via Chokeslam
GRADE: Like Staples says, “That was easy.” F match. Christ…well, at least we’re moving along.
Kane celebrates as his music plays…did his music even stop during the “match”?
- Armando Estrada was released in 2008 following WWE taking ECW out to the shed and finally shooting it. For the next three years, he would wrestle independently. He would make a short, one-time return to the WWE in 2011.
- ECW, as a brand, would continue for two more years before Vince McMahon killed it and replaced it with WWE NXT.
A commercial where a seagull takes on Carlito on Miami Beach and nearly beats him by biting his nipple. This is a fairly accurate documentary on Carlito.
Raven Simone is here from “That’s So Raven”. She’s either on uppers or she’s over-excited. She’s here to represent the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
We get a lead-up promo for the Flair/Michaels Career Match.
Flair is with Grisham. His gameplan…is to be…the man…woooooo…
MATCH #5: Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair in a Career Threatening Match
Michaels is out and cocky. Ric out and cocky. I want an epic here. Michaels owes me one after jobbing to Hogan and Cena. Him and Flair feel one another out and exchange shoves. At one point, Flair shoves Michaels and yells, “OLD YELLER, HUH? OLD YELLER, HUH?!?” in regards to Michaels referring to him as such on RAW. Chops and Michaels tosses Flair into the corner. He comes back with a kick and forearm then a WOOOO to the crowd. Knee-drop on the forehead. Michaels takes over in the corner and gets on the turnbuckle but Flair tosses Michaels off of it which is a role reversal. He goes to the top and Michaels tries to stop him but he thumbs Michaels in the eye. Flair with a cross body and two count. Then he tries the Figure Four but Michaels kicks him out of the ring. He hits a baseball slide on Flair then tries a second-rope slingshot Moonsault but overshoots it and lands, ribs first, on the announce table. Flair back in the ring and Michaels, too, with eight seconds left in the ref’s count. Flair puts Michaels into one corner and then the next. Then hits a back suplex. Two-count. Flair with a punch and Gut Wrench Suplex. Two-count. Flair hits a Delayed Standing Vertical Suplex. Two-count. Two-count again. Michaels kicks Flair but Flair chops away at Michaels. The two exchange them until Flair whips Michaels into the ropes and Michaels hits a neckbreaker. The two men go to opposite sides of the ring. Flair runs at Michaels but Michaels back drops him over the ropes outside the ring. Michaels to the top turnbuckle and hits a Moonsault! Flair down. Both men get into the ring slowly. Flair stomps at Michaels. Michaels chops Flair. Flair chops back. Then they exchange chops. Flair whips Michaels into the ropes and hits a sloppy forearm…then flips up to his feet. Flair gets to his feet and charges and Michaels catches him with an inverted atomic drop and another. Michaels slams him. Michaels to the top rope again and hits the Flying Elbow. He goes for Sweet Chin Music, stomping his leg…he kicks…AND STOPS…he stares at Flair and Flair just flips him and hits the Figure Four! Michaels reverses it and Flair breaks the hold. The two chop at each other and Flair hits a snapmare takedown. Headlock to a pinning combo and Flair gets a two-count twice. Both men up and goes for an atomic drop but a counter into a sunset flip by Michaels…1…2…no. Chop to Flair. Another. Michaels whipped to the corner and Flair hits a Chop Block on the knee. Beautiful. Flair goes for the Figure Four but Michaels hits an inside cradle for two. Kick by Michaels but Flair catches it…Enzuguri but Flair ducks and locks in the Figure Four again! Michaels turns it over but Flair rolls it back over! Michaels gets to the ropes and Flair breaks the hold. Flair is frustrated and stomps Michaels. The ref backs him off but Flair continues to kick at Michaels. Flair gives a “WOO” and Michaels hits SWEET CHIN MUSIC!!! Michaels down but covers…1…2…KICK OUT!!! Michaels gets up with Flair still down. He tunes up for Sweet Chin Music, then tells Flair to get up. Michaels goes to the corner again and tunes up again…Flair gets to his knees. Once again, Michaels tells him to get up and Michaels helps him AND FLAIR HITS A NICE LOW BLOW WITH THE BACK OF HIS FOOT! 1…2…NO!!! Flair goes to Michaels and Michaels flips Flair to his back and hits an inverted Figure Four! Flair gets to the ropes but Michaels won’t let go. He drags Flair away. Flair just slaps him and he does! Flair with a quick roll-up! 1…2…NO!!! The two men exchange chops and get to their feet AND OUT OF NOWHERE – SWEET CHIN MUSIC FROM MICHAELS!!! Michaels backs off, however and gets to the corner…then he sets up for another…looking depressed…he just leans his elbow on the turnbuckle and won’t do it. Flair gets up and tells him to bring it on. Michaels says, “I’m sorry…I love you…” and hits Sweet Chin Music for the win.
WINNER: Shawn Michaels via Sweet Chin Music
GRADE: A+ match. This was beautifully done.
Immediately, he says something to Flair and walks off. Inside the ring, Flair gets to his knees and looks around the arena, crying. His family is in tears. The crowd applauds as he gets to his feet. Flair thanks his family and leaves, walking to the entrance. He turns and raises his arms. Fans cheer.
Tom Grisham is backstage and talks to World Heavyweight Champion, Edge. Edge says that more history will be made. He says that he was a kid during Wrestlemania VI and watched his hero, Hulk Hogan, lose. He says his spirit was crushed. Tonight, he will do the same and crush some little kid’s spirit.
Fireworks go off. The arena is nuts. It’s time for the Playboy…uh, Diva…thingee. Whatever. Like I care.
MATCH #6: WWE Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix & Melina (w/ Santino Marella) vs. Maria & Ashley
Snoop Dog gets to the ring first in a golf cart that’s all blinged out. Maria and Ashley come out first. They flirt with Snoop Dogg. Let’s recap this match: chicks fight. It’s terrible. Nobody cares. Chicks squeal. They show boobs and ass. Snoop Dogg grins the entire time, probably high. The King, who has already says that he “admires” Raven from the Disney Channel, does that weird scream when they do pseudo-lesbo stuff, the lights in the stadium lights go out (King: “Well, wait, did the Undertaker just arrive?”) and Beth and Melina win when King goes to beat the crap out of Santino and decks him. Beth hits Melina from behind and hits the Delayed Fisherman’s Suplex for the win.
WINNER: Beth & Melina
GRADE: D+. Modern Divas matches suck. Santino sucks even more and destroys just about everything he touches. Unfortunately, the WWE thinks Santino’s a riot six years later.
Post-match, Snoop Dogg goes behind Santino and clotheslines him saving Melina and making out with her in the ring. I’d comment on how gross that looks but the dude clotheslined Santino so he gets a pass.
- Ashley was released from the WWE after this. In 2008, Rolling Stone Magazine uncovered her as an escort at a Los Angeles Escort Agency that was under investigation by the FBI. She’s always denied it.
- Kara Drew, AKA “Cherry” was released in 2008, following Wrestlemania.
Here comes the build-up video for the Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship.
MATCH #7: John Cena (challenger) vs. Randy Orton (champion) vs. Triple H (challenger) in a Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship
Cena comes out to a nice version of “My Time is Now” played by a Florida marching band. I might add that the stadium lights are still blown and spotlights are being used to illuminate the ring…I almost like it this way. AT&T Mobile customers weigh in: a little over half of them think it’s Cena’s belt tonight. HHH is at 40 percent and Orton finishes it out with 8 percent. HHH is out next. His entrance, of course, has to be like four minutes long. He stands on the second turnbuckle for like a full minute, just soaking it in and listening to his song. Here comes Orton…and I have to say…I like his older theme MUCH better than “Voices”. It’s just better-sounding. Cena is introduced first. He gets pretty roundly booed. Triple H gets nice applause. Orton gets booed but his tan is finally starting to look good. Still missing all those tattoos, though. The action is fast and frentic. Action is in and out of the ring. We get to Orton and HHH and Orton hits that neat inverted backbreaker and starts to wail on HHH. He kicks Cena and then HHH. Knee drop on Cena and two-count. Knee drop on HHH and two count. HHH, at one point, puts Cena on his shoulders and HHH hits the Doomsday Device. I can’t even keep up. Orton hits a clothesline on both men after Orton reverses the AA for a sunset flip. Orton goes for his on-rope DDT and hits one on both Triple H and Cena and gets two. Pin on HHH and a two-count. He goes for an RKO on Cena but Cena counters and shoves Orton onto HHH. Then he kicks Orton and hits Orton’s head off the mat. Sitting Senton off the top rope. He tries an STF but Orton runs. He runs Cena into the ringpost. Orton into the ring and it’s HHH’s turn. He knee drops Orton’s knee, which Jim Ross sells as a “relentless attack on Orton’s knee”. Um, no…that’s the FIRST attack. It’s not “relentless” unless HHH starts hitting multiple moves targeting the knee. Cena comes in and interferes but HHH takes him out. Suddenly, Orton stands up and hits an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE!!! Since he can’t be pinned, he rolls out of the ring. Orton works on Cena but Cena hits the STFU. Cena screams at Orton to tap. Orton is about to tap but HHH helps Orton get to the ropes. HHH tosses Cena into the ring steps. HHH hits an inverted Indian Deathlock but John Cena recovers and interferes. He tosses HHH out of the ring and hits the STFU again. HHH in and kicks him twice but Cena no-sells. HHH yanks Cena’s hand and he hits a Crossface!!! Orton rolls away as Cena fights to get to the rope, which he does. HHH won’t let go…and finally does. The lights, by the way, are finally back on again. The two exchange punches until HHH gets the upper hand and whips Cena into the ropes. Cena gets a shoulderblock, clothesline and goes for the Five Knuckle Shuffle. U Can’t See Me and there it is. HHH up and Cena goes for the FU but HHH counters with a Pedigree. Cena counters with the STFU. HHH tosses Cena into the ropes, reversal and a Facebuster and Spinebuster! Orton in and HHH Chop Blocks him! Cena with an FU – COUNTER WITH A PEDIGREE!!! He covers…1…2…ORTON PUNTS HHH IN THE HEAD!!! Cover…1…2…3!!! He wins!!!
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Randy Orton via Punt
GRADE: A- match. MUCH, MUCH better from Cena this time…though Cena STILL only seems to know five moves. Orton rules. (Here, at least.)
Post-match, Orton celebrates. All I have to say is FUCK YOU, AT&T PHONE SUBSCRIBERS!!! 😉
We get a Backlash teaser.
Back in Orlando, we see Big Show on his way to the ring from the back.
Lead-up video package time…
MATCH #8: Big Show vs. WBC Welterweight Champion Floyd “Money” Mayweather in a No DQ Match
Big Show is out first. Mayweather is finally out next after Show paces the ring. Money flows from the sky. Mayweather is out with his entourage. Show just glares. A badass row of fireworks go off. We’re about to begin. This is gonna be a wrestling match, apparently. I have zero idea. It’s boxing vs. wrestling, says Jim Ross. Pinfall, Knockout or Submission all count. Mayweather is a punk. I don’t like the guy. I’ve never liked him. The match starts slow. Big Show just starts beating on people in his entourage. K then. Then back to prancing around the ring. Oh, christ…stop dancing and do something. FINALLY, Big Show grabs Mayweather’s arms and goes to stomp on it but misses. Big Show catches him again and lifts him up but Big Show punches out of it and hits a choke. Big show is going to sleep…and wakes up. He reverses and tosses Floyd to the mat, stomping on his fist. His entourage checks on him. His coach tells the ref that Show can’t do that. Show has Floyd in a headlock, then chokes him in the corner and slaps his chest. Ouch. Show watches as Floyd writhes on the floor. Show steps on him. His entourage only seems to know the phrase “Big Show can’t do that!” and then filling it in with what Show does to Floyd. Show hits a Sidewalk Slam. He grins. He hits an armdrag drop on Floyd. Then he just steps on Floyd which should have ended his life but this isn’t real life so the match continues and Big Show walks, a free man. Floyd starts hitting body shots but Show just throws him to the mat. Elbow drop. The crowd is loving this. He goes for another one but Floyd is pulled from the ring. They quit the match. Show says, “fuck this” and goes after Floyd and his entourage. He runs over both bodyguards and takes out the last one, getting to Floyd. Show takes Floyd all the way back to the ring. He punches Floyd in the stomach. Then tosses him in the ring. Show pulls him up and goes for a Chokeslam but a bodyguard interrupts. But Show takes him out. He goes for the Chokeslam again but another bodyguard interferes with a chair shot. He chokeslams him. Floyd hits Show with the chair several times. Finally, he removes his gloves and gets a set of brass knuckles, knocking out Big Show with them. The ref starts to count. Show gets up but can’t beat the count. Mayweather wins. MAJOR heat for Mayweather because nobody can fucking stand the guy.
GRADE: F+ all the way. I’m allowed. This was in the B range at one point. Hey, WWE – here’s a clue: NOBODY LIKES FUCKING FLOYD MAYWEATHER. You hear the booing? Mayweather is a real person. He could have afforded to lose this in the booking.
A teaser for Wrestlemania 25 in Houston, Texas.
Kim fucking Kardashian is in the ring! OMG LMFAO!!!!!!!1!!!111!!1!!
She says that there are 74,635 people at the Citrus Bowl…and she’s fucked 11,243 of them. Thank you. I’m here all week.
And here we go…
MATCH #9: The Undertaker (challenger) vs. Edge (champion) for the World Heavyweight Championship
The Monks of Serious Business for Realz don’t chant long here and we get the Undertaker’s theme almost right away. This year, the Undertaker has ditched his “outlaw” gimmick a bit and gone to a mixture of Goth/Deadman. Edge is out next…and he’s bringing out Vickie Guerrero in her wheelchair. He gets to the ring and holds up the title. After his usual set of moves, Undertaker tries for Old School. Edge counters and pulls him down but Undertaker counters and snaps Edge over. Nice. Undertaker hits a charging ram into Edge but goes outside the ring. Edge dives at him, then baseball slides him. Edge beats on him and brings The Undertaker into the ring. He hits a twisting neckbreaker and Undertaker falls. Edge hits a spear in the corner of the ring. He works on The Undertaker’s arm. He punches Taker but Taker counters and tries a slam but Edge counters and falls on him for a quick two-count. Punches and a drop-kick by Edge. Edge goes to the top rope and Undertaker runs over and shoves him off. Edge to the outside. Undertaker goes off the ropes and hits a running Swan Dive to the outside of the ring. Undertaker puts Edge’s head off the mat and hits his Guillotine Legdrop. He drags Edge in and gets two. Taker goes for the Last Ride but he can’t do it. Edge hits a big boot as Undertaker bounces off the ropes. Two-count by Edge. Edge goes outside to tend to Undertaker. He back suplexes Undertaker into the crowd! Taker gets up and Edge pulls him back outside the ring and then puts him in the ring. Two-count by Edge. Edge goes for a Half Crab on The Undertaker. Counter by the Undertaker but Edge goes into an inverted Deathlock. Undertaker counters. Edge beats on Taker but Taker comes back with some punches. The two exchange punches for an incredible full minute. Edge into the corner and Undertaker hits the Double Forearm and Clothesline. He sets up for Snake Eyes and hits it, bouncing off the ropes but Edge hits a drop kick. Two-count! Edge goes to the turnbuckle but flies right into Undertaker’s hand. Counter but Undertaker goes for ANOTHER Chokeslam and pulls Edge up…and Edge counters with a DDT!!! Two count!!! Spear but Undertaker boots him and hits the Chokeslam!!! 1…2…NO!!! Taker picks him up and goes for Old School again. Edge counters again and Undertaker falls. Edge goes to the turnbuckle, setting up and hitting the Superplex. 1…2…kick-out. Edge grits hit teeth. He punches Taker in the corner, climbing to the second turnbuckle to punch him…but Undertaker goes for the Last Ride!!! EDGE COUNTERS INTO A REVERSE NECKBREAKER!!! Another kick-out!!! Edge tosses Taker to the ropes but Taker comes back and hits The Last Ride!!! 1…2…EDGE KICKS OUT!!! Taker gets up…and calls for the Tombstone. Taker picks him up but Edge counters and hits a reverse DDT for a two-count! Edge into the ropes and a big boot. Taker picks him up. He goes for Old School again…THIS time, he hits it! Cole: “THIS time, School is in SESSION!” Taker goes for a kick but hits the ref instead! Edge hits the Reverse DDT! Edge yells at Taker…but Taker rises and hits a choke…but Edge hits a low blow! Both men are down…Edge out of the ring. He hits a camera man and takes a camera…he goes in the ring with it and smacks Undertaker with it! Undertaker is out! Edge wakes the ref…but the ref falls to the outside….Undertaker sits up! Edge calls for a Tombstone! But Undertaker counters!!! TOMBSTONE!!! Cover…but no ref…here comes Charles Robinson!!! He’s running…1…2…EDGE KICKS OUT!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!! Taker gets up and here come Hawkins and Ryder, Edge’s friends but Taker Chokeslams both of them! EDGE HITS A SPEAR!!! 1…2…THRE–UNDERTAKER KICKS OUT!!! Taker UP…EDGE WAITS…HE HITS THE SPEAR!!! BUT TAKER CATCHES HIM AND HITS THE HELL’S GATE!!! EDGE TAPS!!! UNDERTAKER WINS!!!
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: The Undertaker via Hell’s Gate
GRADE: A+ MATCH!!! ZOMG!!!!!!111!!1!!1 Needless to say, Undertaker is now 16-0 at Wrestlemania.
What a match…what a match…post-match, he has the belt and just falls over from exhaustion.
- Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder are no longer “Edge Heads” and wrestle, in singles competition, in the WWE.
- Tazz would leave shortly before Wrestlemania 25. He currently does commentary for TNA.
A decent event this year! I liked it. Two great main events and some incredible undercard stuff.
I give this one a B+. (Yeah, no. I’d say C+. The Undertaker match saved it but this didn’t have a great card…and let’s face it: Ric Flair isn’t exactly “retired”.)
‘Til next time!