As of the time I started: there are TWO HOURS left ’til Wrestlemania! (As of 2014, I am doing this project again. I will probably do it one more time next year. We actually have two more. But this year, I’m making good time.)
I have to hurry…(Calm down, Matt.)
The facts were these:
- Sheamus would end up getting a major push and win the WWE Title from John Cena…but it wasn’t for long. Randy Orton beat Sheamus for it. He held it for two months…until The Miz cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase and took out an exhausted Orton. He would defend it against John Cena who was not happy with The Miz for eliminating him from the Royal Rumble. Cena would go on to win Elimination Chamber for the right to take on The Miz at Wrestlemania.
- Newcomer Alberto Del Rio won the Royal Rumble and chose to face Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship.
- With Cena no longer feuding with CM Punk and the Nexus (Cena got revenge at the Royal Rumble for all they did to him), the Nexus turned their attentions toward Randy Orton. They tormented him endlessly. Orton got a match against CM Punk.
- The Undertaker went on a hiatus to heel injuries…and returned to the WWE in March…only to get challenged by Triple H at Wrestlemania in a No Holds Barred Match. Undertaker accepted.
- The Corre – the former members of the Nexus – were running rampant all over Smackdown, so Smackdown’s big stars would face off against them.
- Michael Cole went heel after Wrestlemania, belittling rookies and siding with The Miz. This lead to a HUGE clash with Jerry Lawler and a match was set up between them here.
- I refuse to acknowledge Snooki being a part of this fucking show.
Let’s go! QUICK!!!
Keri Hilson sings “America, the Beautiful”. Who’s she? You don’t care. I don’t care.
We get the intro video package…
The Rock is our host for the evening. He yacks for ten minutes about John Cena and the Miz and the fans and I don’t give a shit. This is pointless.
ANOTHER video package. We just saw something like this.
And ANOTHER intro…fuck, we just had TWO of them.
WE ARE LIVE FROM THE GEORGIA DOME IN SAN FRANCISCO, CA!!!
Just making sure you were reading. 🙂 We’re in Atlanta, Georgia. (Ha. Yes. This was my attempt at location humor. Clever Matt!)
Your announcers are Michael Cole (in a ridiculous plexiglass case to stay away from King), Jerry Lawler, and Josh Matthews. The Spanish dudes are out there, too.
MATCH #1: Alberto Del Rio (challenger) (w/ Brodus Clay) vs. Edge (champion) (w/ Christian) for the World Heavyweight Championship
Del Rio’s “personal ring announcer” Ricardo Rodriguez announces Del Rio’s arrival. Brodus Clay…wow. He’s at ringside. I look at his Funkasaurus gimmick now…and I’m just blown away at the contrast. Edge arrives after Christian. Here we go…lock up and the two let go…Del Rio shoves Edge. Edge slaps Del Rio and punches him. Edge with an old school Irish Whip and Back Body Drop. Nice high kick by Del Rio and a stomp. Del Rio attacks in the corner. Edge into the ropes but holds them and Edge dumps Del Rio. Edge misses a Baseball Slide and Del Rio rams him into the ring steps. Del Rio hits a 1 1/2 count back in ring. Christian pounds the mat, trying to fire up the crowd. Armbreaker by Del Rio and Edge breaks out but Del Rio just tosses Edge to the mat. Del Rio holding Edge down. He pulls the arm and Christian stops Clay from any damage. Del Rio rams Edge’s arm into the announce table and gets a two-count back in the ring. Another armbreaker by Del Rio. edge breaks out but Del Rio knees him. He charges Edge but Edge ducks and Del Rio flies out of the ring! Edge flies out of the ring and hits a nice splash! The count starts as Edge gets up and goes to the top rope BUT DEL RIO HITS A HIP TOSS AND GETS A NEAR FALL! Del Rio off the ropes but Edge hits his spinning kick! Del Rio up…he charges again…BUT EDGE HITS A BIG BOOT! Edge hits a forearm and clothesline and gets a NICE Lateral Press! Edge hits a slam but Del Rio counters and hits the arm! Del Rio goes for the arm again but Edge COUNTERS WITH A BACK SLAM!!! The two battle in the corner and get a series of roll-ups but Del Rio with the Cross Arm Breaker!!! Edge to the ropes!!! He gets to the top rope…BUT DEL RIO WITH AN ENZUGURI!!! 1…2…NO!!! All hell breaks loose now. Clay and Christian fight outside…EDGE ROLLS UP DEL RIO!!! NEAR FALL!!! Edge hits a NICE falling DDT!!! He gets that crazy look…he sets up for a spear…he misses and Clay pulls Edge into the post!!! CROSS ARM BREAKER BY DEL RIO!!! They’re in the middle of the ring. EDGE TURNS INTO A PIN!!! Close fall! Edge counters and hits a nice submission hold!!! Del Rio reaches for Clay but CHRISTIAN GETS TO CLAY!!! Del Rio trying to bust out and does and EDGE WITH A SPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE!!! EDGE WINS!!!
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Edge via Spear
GRADE: B+ match to start!!! This is promising!!!
- Edge (AKA Adam Copeland) retired after Wrestlemania, makes sporadic appearances and can be seen on the SyFy Channel series, HAVEN.
Post-match, Edge celebrates, leaves…then stops at Del Rio’s car…he and Christian fuck the car up with crowbars. Then Edge stands on the car and poses with the belt. I love it. Del Rio cries over his dumb car.
- Clay would get repackaged as “The Funkasaurus” and return in 2012.
We get an ad for WWE Tough Enough.
Back in Atlanta, Cole says he’s the reason people bought tickets. Then he stands up and repeats “Are you ready, King?” over and over. Apparently, Cole thought being a heel was the same as having Tourette Syndrome.
MATCH #2: Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio
Rhodes out first with his ridiculous fucking “I’m an ugly monster” gimmick. Rey comes out dressed like Captain America. He hits a Hurricarana but Rhodes counters with a forearm. He keeps going for the mask but Rey punishes for it. Rhodes with a BEAUTIFUL springboard kick. He goes for a chinlock after this. Rey elbows him but Rhodes sends him to the corner. Rhodes charges and Rey hits a head scissors. Rhodes counters with a toss slam. Rhodes kicks at Rey. He tries a leglock but it doesn’t work. He sets Rey up on the ropes and nails him with a leg. Rhodes goes for a nerve pinch. Another head scissors by Rey but Rhodes counters. Rhodes hits a HUGE delayed standing suplex off the turnbuckle. Wow. Rhodes beats on Rey and yells at him. He knees him in the back. Rhodes goes for Cross Rhodes but a counter and Rhodes thrown from the ring. Flying kick to the outside. Rey with a missed baseball slide but he hits another head toss with his legs!!! Wow! Rhodes back in and Rey is on the ropes! Seated Senton! Rey with a beautiful backwards cradle pin on a counter move!!! Two count! Rey kicks Rhodes. Rhodes counters and tosses Rey to the mat. Rhodes hits the elbow to the face. Rey kicks at Rhodes and springboards and uses the legs to throw Rhodes! He hits a lower dropkick for the 619…but Rhodes stops it and slingshots Rey into the ropes…two-count. Rhodes goes for Rey’s knee brace and removes it. He tosses it. But Rey goes to the ropes and hits a Moonsault Pin! Two-count! Rey goes for the face mask! It’s off! Rhodes slams but Rey counters an hits a 619!!! Rey to the top rope!!! He botches the move but Rey kicks the face! 1…2…no. Kick-out. Mysterio puts the face mask on…really? Rey nails Rhodes and uses it as a weapon. Rhodes goes for a boot but misses and Rey dives head first into Rhodes. Two-count. Rhodes outside the ring and grab’s Rey’s brace. Rey dives at Rhodes but he clocks Rey with the brace and hits Cross Rhodes for the pin.
WINNER: Cody Rhodes via cheating
GRADE: B+ match.
Post-match, Cole leaps up screaming and celebrating and says RETRIBUTION about 182 times. Rhodes grabs the mask and hides his face.
Cole says he’s unbiased.
Backstage, Snoop Dogg is with Teddy Long for some American Idol bullshit even though neither can sing.
MATCH #3: The Corre (WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett, Ezekiel Jackson and WWE Tag Team Champions Justin Gabriel and Heath Slater) vs. Big Show, Kane, Santino Marella, and Kofi Kingston
Our first bad match of the night because nobody cares about the Nexus rejects (with a frustrating extra “R” in their name as if that made them sound more intimidating) in a storyline that went fucking nowhere. Ends when everyone gets into a free for all in the ring. Everyone hits a big move. Then Santino hits The Cobra on Heath Slater. Big Punch from Big Show. We’re done here.
WINNERS: Team Face via KO Punch
GRADE: F+. In hindsight, The Nexus vs. The Corre should have gone some place but The Corre never took off.
Post-match, everyone celebrates. Santino does his Air Trumpet.
Backstage, The Rock is with Eve. Then Mae shows up and says she wants Rock’s strudel. Rock says that Mae should crave OTHER strudels…like Moses. Then he says Mae knows Eve like “Adam and Eve”. Mae smacks Rock on the ass. Rock wants to see if anybody else will come say hello. Austin arrives and the two have an intense conversation.
Promo for the Wrestlemania theme song.
Video promo for Punk/Orton.
MATCH #4: CM Punk vs. Randy Orton
Randy Orton goes flying at Punk and punches him. Orton sent to the corner and retaliates with a huge clothesline. The fight spills outside. Punk is sent running and runs over the stairs, waits for Orton, and then pushes the steps into his injured leg. Back in the ring, Punk hits a Cross Body and pins for two. Punk kicks at Orton. Orton starts to beat on Punk and hits the inverted backbreaker. The two battle in the corner and Punk slams the knee by hyperextending it. He beats Orton in the corner and then hits the running knee lift. Punk jumps up on the turnbuckle and comes down on the knee. Two count. He puts Orton into the Tree of Woe and then stands on the injured knee, leaping and booting the head of Orton and a close two-count. Punk calls for the GTS but takes too long and Orton counter, tries for the RKO and Punk hits a trip slam and NEARLY gets the pin. Punk to the top rope again. But Orton rushes him and knocks him off. Orton gets on the turnbuckle and tries the Superplex…AND HE HITS IT!!! Orton crawls over and gets a CLOSE two-count. Punk goes outside. He drags Orton to the ring post and wraps it around the ring post, jarring it against the post. Punk puts a leg lock on Orton! He lets go and Randy holds his knee. Punk back in. He spins and hits an Indian Deathlock of sorts. Orton tries to break out but Punk continues to beat him. Orton tries to rip the bandage off the knee and half-succeeds. He clotheslines Punk twice then powerslams him! Orton tackles Punk and punches him. Orton hits a nice side suplex. Two-count. Punk then kicks Orton repeatedly and knocks him down. Punk hits the Anaconda Vice! He rolls over and gets to the rope and Punk breaks the hold. Punk lifts Orton up and Orton punches him AND THEN RAMS HIS HEAD INTO THE RINGPOST!!! Orton hits the Rope DDT. He sets up for the RKO…but Punk is just plain down. Orton, instead, gets up and looks at Punk…then gets that look and sets up for the Punt Kick. He goes for it…and Orton’s knee gives out. Punk sees this and laughs. Orton is in severe pain. Punk just smiles and gets to the turnbuckle. Punk goes to pick up Orton and Orton springs up and NEARLY HITS THE RKO…wow. Punk tosses Orton and counters and rolls out to the ring. Punk springs to the turnbuckle and leaps AND ORTON HITS THE RKO FOR THE WIN!
WINNER: Randy Orton via RKO.
GRADE: Hard fought but sloooooow. Solid B just for slowness of the match.
Post-match, Randy celebrates.
Backstage, The Rock is with Mean Gene. He says that Cena’s number one fan is here and angry with him. And it’s Pee Wee Herman.
An ad for The True Story of Wrestlemania.
Howard Finkel welcomes the Hall of Fame Class of 2011:
- Abdullah the Butcher
- Sunny
- The Road Warriors – Animal and Paul Ellering
- Drew Carey
- “Bullet” Bob Armstrong
- “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan (HOOOOOOO!)
- Shawn Michaels
Booker T comes down to join Josh Matthews and Jim Ross, also!
MATCH #5: Michael Cole (w/ Jack Swagger) vs. Jerry “The King” Lawler (“Stone Cold” Steve Austin is the Special Guest Referee)
Michael Cole comes down to the ring, saying, “Can I have your attention please?” Then he yacks for minutes on end and introduces Jack Swagger…THEN, OUTTA NOWHERE, STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN APPEARS ON HIS ATV!!! RUH ROH!!! He drives it right at Swagger who jumps out of the way. Cole hides in the “Cole Mine”. Austin in the ring. Here comes Lawler. Cole won’t come out of the Cole Mine. He yells at Austin who just says “ring the fuckin’ bell” and Lawler takes out Swagger. He goes after Cole in the Cole mine. Cole begs off. He reaches out to shake Cole’s hand and then pulls Cole into the glass. He gets into the case and beats Cole senseless. This is deeply satisfying. Cole tries to escape and Lawler beats him senseless. He brings Cole over and throws him at the Anonymous RAW GM who, for some reason, runs Wrestlemania, too. Cole gets tossed in the ring and Swagger rams Lawler’s head into the mat. Cole distracts Austin more and Swagger hits the Ankle Lock. For fuck’s sake. Come on. This is stupid. Could we PLEASE just end this now? Lawler FINALLY in the ring and Cole leans on the leg of Lawler. God, nothing is happening. He tries a Swagger Bomb but won’t do it because he’s scared. Get up and kick his ass. For fuck’s sake. This is ridiculous. He beats on Lawler’s knee then gives Swagger a High Ten. The crowd chants, “BORING”. I agree. He pulls a strap down and hits the An-Cole Lock…FINALLY Lawler retaliates and gets out of it. Cole begs off and Lawler stomps a mudhole in him. Swagger throws in the towel. Wow. Austin picks it up and wipes himself down. Swagger in the ring and explains what the towel means. Austin just fucking STUNS SWAGGER. Love it. Cole begs Austin to stop the match. Then slaps Austin. Oh boy…he shoves Cole right into Lawler who beats him. This is what the match SHOULD have been. King hits his flying fist. Cover. And he gets two because Lawler pulls him up. He goes for an Ankle Lock and Cole taps like a mad man for like 8 minutes straight. This part is enjoyable. They ring the bell and Lawler wins.
WINNER: Lawler via Ankle Lock
GRADE: D+ and that’s being generous.
Post-match, Austin celebrates with beers. He hands one to King. Booker comes in to celebrate, too and asks for a beer. First, he does a Spinaroonie for no reason. Austin gets a beer for Booker and the two toast and Austin stuns Booker and says he’s sorry, he had to. Suddenly, the iPhone chime and the RAW GM declares that Jerry Lawler is disqualified and Cole wins the match.
WINNER: Michael Cole
GRADE: FUCK. THAT. Completely lame match, waste of too much time with a decent, merciful end but, fuck the audience, they tack on another fucking HORRIBLE ending and we have to sit through Cole’s sniveling bullshit from here on out.
The crowd chants BULLSHIT. Josh Matthews gets a Stunner, too. Then he rides off on his ATV.
WWE Axxess promo.
Now, it’s time for HHH/Undertaker…
MATCH #6: Undertaker vs. HHH in a No Holds Barred Match
Triple H comes out first to “For Whom the Bell Tolls” by Metallica. He has a bunch of Vikings with shields around him and they lunge and dance forward, revealing Triple H in a Skull Mask and fur pelt and crown and suddenly, it’s The 13th Warrior Musical. Bell tolls all right…Undertaker out to “Ain’t No Grave” by Johnny Cash. Both these entrances are spectacular. This is one of the greatest matches ever fought and I give it an A+. The storytelling is off-the-charts spectacular. Triple H punches Taker in the corner. Taker throws him outside. HHH punches and Taker tosses him into the steps. JR and King are announcers now. Taker goes to take apart the Spanish table but HHH counters by Spearing Taker into the Cole Mine, demolishing it. Taker sits up after HHH goes in the ring. Undertaker into the ropes, ducks a clothesline and hits his shoulderblock. Body Battering Ram and Old School attempt but HHH pulls him down and throws him to the mat. The two fight outside and get to the announce table. The two battle it out. HHH goes for the Pedigree but Taker does a back body drop over his shoulders and on the padding outside the ring. UNDERTAKER SWAN DIVE OF DOOM takes out Triple H!!! The crowd chants “HOLY SHIT”. I’ll say. Takes a while for the two to get up and when they do, Taker sets up the steel steps to use as a place to Tombstone Triple H but HHH fights out of it. Taker runs at HHH AND HHH HITS A SPINEBUSTER THROUGH THE SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE!!! Taker gets back in the ring. HHH follows. HHH goes to Taker WHO HITS A CHOKESLAM!!! 1…2…NO! Kick-out! He lifts up HHH and headbutts and kicks him! He goes for a Last Ride! But HHH runs Taker into a corner. HHH climbs on him and punches him BUT TAKER COUNTERS WITH THE LAST RIDE!!! HHH counters and HITS THE PED–NO!!! COUNTER INTO SNAKE EYES!!! TAKER RUNS AT HHH AND HHH HITS THE SPINEBUSTER!!! HHH goes outside to get a chair but Taker boots HHH in the face! Taker gets the chair. He raises it and whacks HHH with it! He goes to hit him again but HHH kicks Taker AND HITS THE PEDIGREE!! 1…2…3NO!!! TAKER KICKS OUT!!! Taker up but barely. HHH corners him in to the corner and goes for a Superplex but TAKER HITS THE LAST RIDE!!! 1….2…3NO!!! KICK-OUT!!! (Turns out I never finished the review…so, from here, 2014 Matt takes over.) If Jesse Venture were here, he’d be criticizing The Undertaker for not hooking the leg and Gorilla would be nodding and saying, “You’re right, Jesse. You gotta hook that leg bone.” Taker signals for a Tombstone and hits it, covering but Triple H kicks out again! Taker’s up and he gets the chair again as JR reminds us, for the 27th time, that this is a No Holds Barred match. He puts it on the ground and goes for a Tombstone and HHH hits the DDT. Both men look freakin’ DEAD right now. Taker shoves HHH while he’s on the ground and both men try to get to their feet. At opposite ends of the ring, both men use the ropes to pull themselves up. Both get up and it’s ANOTHER Pedigree by HHH! 1…2…3NO. Kick out. Jesus. Both men take years to get up but HHH gets over there and hits ANOTHER PEDIGREE! 1…2…KICKOUT. Crowd is into this, big-time. Triple H grabs the chair and just whacks Taker in the back! Damn. Another shot and HHH yells “STAY DOWN!” Take doesn’t, however…and then hits him six more times. This is where some real damage looked like it was done. HHH yells for Taker to stay down again but Taker stirs. HHH gets to his feet as Taker gets to his…and HHH JUST FULL ON WHACKS HIM IN THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. Holy shit…it’s so quiet in the place. Taker tries to sit up and can’t even begin to do it. HHH just waits for him to move as the announcers don’t even know what to say. HHH kneels next to Taker and says, “Just die! Stay down! What’s wrong with you?” HHH leans down again and gets into his face…and Taker GRABS HIM BY THROAT…but HHH grabs his hair and just shakes his head, pulling the Undertaker’s hand from his throat, as if to say, “Not tonight.” Taker gets up and falls backward to the turnbuckle. He still tells HHH, “Let’s fight.” HHH replies by running his thumb across his throat. Taker charges but HHH picks him up AND HITS THE TOMBSTONE ON THE UNDERTAKER. IT’S OVER!!! NO!!! TAKER KICKS OUT!!! OMG!!! The crowd has lost their shit and, at this point, so did I. HHH backs off and can’t even process what just happened. Taker is still alive. HHH argues with the ref who just shrugs. Crowd is cheering for the Undertaker. So HHH goes under the ring and gets the Sledgehammer…ho boy. HHH stands above Taker and says that’s time to die as Taker tries to escape the ring. HHH pulls him back in and says, “It’s time.” He goes to whack Taker BUT UNDERTAKER PULLS HIM INTO HELLS GATE AND WON’T LET GO!!! HHH gets to his feet and tries to pull Taker up…but can’t. Taker pulls him back down! HHH feels around for the hammer! He finds it! He grabs it! He…loses it! It falls from his hand…AND HHH TAPS OUT.
WINNER: The Undertaker via Hell’s Gate
GRADE: A+. This was incredible. Different than Michaels/Taker. This was special. Storytelling alone gets an A by itself. This would be 19-0 for The Undertaker.
Post-match, nobody speaks. Pyro goes off and the big board reads “19-0”. HHH gets to the ropes and sits up but the Undertaker is not fucking moving. The ref and a trainer inspect The Undertaker who looks legit hurt. HHH to his feet and he just hovers around, also hurt, and looks at The Undertaker, slightly concerned. Taker stirs and tries to sit up as HHH looks over his shoulder, still in the ring. He exits and so does Taker who falls to the floor outside the ring. HHH approaches but a ref tells him to go. Taker pulls himself up or tries to. The trainer signals for a cart as Taker just lays there. The crowd cheers loudly. Finally, the cart arrives. Taker is put on it and he’s wheeled to the back as the crowd roars.
We get the “Don’t Try This At Home, Moron” ad because there are still plenty of morons out there if teenage Facebook feeds are any indication.
We’re back and JR and King are still stunned about the Taker/HHH match.
MATCH #7: Dolph Ziggler (w/ Vickie Guerrero) & LayCool (Layla & Michelle McCool) vs. John Morrison, Trish Stratus & Snooki
Vickie goes the EXCUSE ME thing and out come the heels. John Morrison is out next, then Trish, The Good Witch of the North is out next. I miss Evil Trish. For some reason, Snooki has her own entrance and theme song and King acts like this is the greatest thing he’s ever seen. The heels immediately attack and this mess starts ugly and doesn’t get better. During the brawl, everyone is separated and Ziggler’s in the middle of the ring, holding Snooki from behind like they’re on the Titanic together. Snooki, realizing that Ziggler’s got her, jars herself loose and slaps him. LayCool argues about who should start and McCool and Stratus stare each other down. McCool shoves Stratus in the boobtacalogiclar region and Trish slaps at her. McCool tries her move but Stratus hits a Facebuster. McCool gets the upper hand and then the two women straddle one another on the top rope and fall outside. Crowd is beyond dead and barely reacts to this. Layla tries to rush Trish outside but gets punched. Then she double clotheslines them. Trish gets a roll-up pin and all hell breaks loose. Morrison hits Starship Pain on Ziggler outside and Snooki’s tagged in. She gets major heat, then cheers as she hits a flipping back elbow on McCool in the corner and a flipping splash as JR tries to sell “SnookiMania” as a thing. Snooki gets the pin.
WINNERS: Team Snooki via Flipping Splash
GRADE: D-. Could have been a lot worse but it was still bullshit. Ziggler and Morrison weren’t even in the match so why they were even in this is beyond me.
- Snooki finished The Jersey Shore. She has been on “Dancing With the Stars” and has also written books (I have no words for this) and…does stuff.
- Trish has been on television and TV movies and still makes sporadic appearances in the WWE. She has her own Yoga studio in Canada called “Stratusphere”.
- John Morrison (AKA John Hennigan) left the WWE shortly after Wrestlemania and wrestles independently.
- Michelle McCool left the WWE for good in 2011 citing legit injuries. She is married to Mark Calaway (AKA The Undertaker) and lives in Texas.
We get a nice shot of the Georgia Dome. A caption even reminds us that we’re in Atlanta, Georgia just in case you thought The Georgia Dome was in Toronto.
It’s announced that the crowd is a “record-setting number” of 71,617. The crowd, obviously still delirious from that Snooki match, cheers.
We get two really long reels showing the building careers of Miz and Cena.
MATCH #8: The Miz (champion) (w/ Alex Riley) vs. John Cena (challenger) for the WWE Championship
Giant letters on the stage spell out AWESOME and Mix busts through them. “I Came to Job Play” plays as Miz makes his way to the ring. He never looked better than at this point in his career. Cena’s entrance gets a goddamn church choir. The promo gave me goosebumps, I have to say, but the god-like level they put Cena up to is astonishing. Dude’s not even champion and his intro is twice as long as Miz’s? Even still, good production value. 13 years later, the match starts. The bell rings before the ref signals for it. The two lock up and Miz gets a headlock. Cena tosses him across the ring. They lock up again and Miz applies another side headlock. Cena hip tosses after they charge the ropes. Another headlock by Cena but Miz pushes Cena into the corner and Cena has to break the hold. Miz stomps at Cena in the corner, then tosses him into another corner. He hits the running corner clothesline and covers for two. Cena comes back with a flipping hip toss and gets two as JR says “We’re even in near falls”. Great analysis. Thanks, Al Michaels. The match slows WAY down. Miz misses the running clothesline in the corner and Cena goes off the rope with the Flying Facebuster, getting two. Miz hits a boot to Cena and gets two. Cena gets up and Miz hits a Diesel-style boot and gets a near fall. Miz punches at Cena as the crowd can’t even muster up the energy to boo. Cena looks lethargic and not into this at all. Miz slide kicks him out of the ring and then hits a knee lift. He goes for the Skull Crushing Finale but Cena hits 4 of the 5 Moves of Doom. Cena goes for the AA but Miz counters with a DDT and a two count. It’s all downhill from here. Miz picks Cena up and tries an STF but Miz counters with his back/neckbreaker combo for two. Miz strips the turnbuckle of its pad and Cena gets a small package pin but the ref is busy with the turnbuckle. Cena gets a two count. Mix counters with a knee to the but and tries to run his head into the corner but Cena counters with the AA. Miz gets out and and charges but Cena hits the STF! Miz tries, like hell, to get to the ropes and does get there. Cena breaks the hold as the ref tends to Miz. With the ref’s back is turned, Alex Riley rams Cena’s head into the exposed turnbuckle, Miz hits the SCF! 1…2…kick out! Miz sets up anothers one but Cena counters and the ref is taken out. Cena hits the AA but the ref isn’t there to count. So Alex Riley hits the ring with the briefcase and slugs Cena with it which wakes the ref up like an alarm clock. Cena kicks out of Miz’s pin with the drama of an Undertaker match. Riley screams at the ref as Mix is frustrated. Riley distracts the ref again. Miz grabs the case but misses Cena and slugs Riley instead! Cena hits the AA! 1…2…NO. Miz kicks out. The match finally picks up as Miz climbs up using the crowd barrier. He clotheslines the living shit out of Miz, then gets back in the ring. So Cena, being the fuck-up that he is, clotheslines Miz HARD and Miz’s head bounces off solid concrete and Miz looks like he’s been knocked out. The ref counts them out and that’s it.
WINNER: None. Just…wow.
GRADE: D-. I can’t even believe that.
Post-match, Miz looks like hell and Cena’s faking it. Both are still down. The Rock’s music hits and he gets to the ring. Then the MACBOOK OF AUTHORITY rings. Rock answers it but then throws it to the floor. He says WM isn’t ending like that. Re-start the match which is the worst idea in the history of ideas considering that Miz had a legit concussion. Rock says this will be a no-DQ, no-countout match. Why don’t you toss weapons in there, too, Rock?
MATCH #8: Continued
Cena goes for a quick AA but Miz counters and Rock hits the Rock Bottom. Miz pins and that’s it.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: The Miz via Rock Bottom
GRADE: F. This is the worst main event match in Wrestlemania history.
Post-match, Miz celebrates but looks brain-dead. Lights on, nobody’s home. Miz and Rock stare each other down. Rock rushes in, Miz tries clocking him but misses and Rock hits a Spinebuster on Miz and the People’s Elbow. I hope he apologized to Miz after this.
OVERALL: C+ show. That main event just killed it.
That’s that.
— Matt