We lead off with Lillian Garcia singing “America the Beautiful”. Some nice shots of SunLife Stadium. That place is fucking ugly. Lillian ranges from fair to decent. She tries too hard.
Tradition video package narrated by character actor, Keith David. Tonight…”paths will cross and eras will end”. They should start with Keith David quitting his narration of pretentious video packages.
WE ARE LIVE FROM SUNLIFE STADIUM IN MIAMI, FLORIDA!!!
Your announcers, State-side, are Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler. Marcelo Rodriguez and Carlos Cabrera are your Spanish Announcers.
MATCH #1: Sheamus (challenger) vs. Daniel Bryan (champion) (w/ A.J.)
Sheamus is out first and already into Irish rage. Bryan out next with A.J.. Bryan with his WRESTLING ORGASM OF JOY. A TON of “YES” signs are in the crowd. The bell rings…but Bryan stops Sheamus from attacking and kisses A.J., then Sheamus HITS THE BROGUE KICK AND WINS THE MATCH at 0:18!!! WHAT THE HOLY HELL?! Wow…F+.
Post-match, Sheamus celebrates and Bryan cannot believe it. What was THAT about? You have got to be kidding me.
This is gonna stand. Wow…way to fuck up the first match of the evening. And way to make it the World Heavyweight Championship. There’s gotta be a twist later in the night.
Team Johnny is backstage. The Miz says, “Just like I won Wrestlemania last year, we will win TONIGHT!” Nobody is impressed. Otunga brings John into the room and Team Johnny cheers for him. He fires up the crowd.
There are people still trying to find their seats, according to Cole. Wonder if they missed the epic match that was Bryan/Sheamus.
Promo for Wrestlemania 29 in New York/New Jersey.
MATCH #2: Kane vs. Randy Orton
Kane enters first and hits his pyro. Orton out next. This one better be good to make up for the giant piece of shit that was the first match. Orton beats Kane in the corner. Whip by Orton. Reversal and beating in the corner by Kane. Orton kicks Kane and beats on him some more, stomping a mudhole as he’s down. Orton goes for his Rope DDT but Kane counters by hanging Orton over the top rope like dirty laundry and kicking him in the chest. Two-count. Punches by Kane in the corner. Running floor kick by Kane. Two-count. Sleeper but Orton punches out of it and the two trade punches. Kane off the ropes and hits a HUGE punch. Orton goes down. Kane lifts Orton up and tosses him in the corner and charges but Orton kicks Kane. Orton goes for Kane but Kane hits the Side Slam. Sleeper again by Kane. Orton punches out of it and goes off the ropes and hits a Swinging Neckbreaker. Cover but a one-count only. Orton grabs Kane and stomps him then punches him. Kane takes over and runs Orton into a corner. He picks Orton up and goes for the delayed suplex. 1…2…kick-out. Kane hits ANOTHER Sleeper. Orton gets out with a headbutt and Kane tosses Orton into the corner. Orton runs at Kane who hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker but Orton counters into the Inverted Backbreaker. Clothesline by Orton. Another. Kane runs at Orton. Powerslam! Orton throws Kane into the ringpost. Orton hits his Rope DDT. He sets up for the RKO and waits but Kane counters and BOOTS Orton in the face. Two-count. Kane to the outside. He leaps and Orton counters with a DROP KICK IN MID-AIR!!! Orton stands up and steps back for the Punt Kick…BUT RUNS RIGHT INTO A CHOKESLAM! 1…2…KICK OUT!!! Orton kicks out! Kane sits up. Orton in the corner now. Kane goes to him. Kane beats on him. Orton covers up. Kane over and Orton belts him. Orton goes for the RKO-NO! Kane counters and sends him away again! He trips Kane. The two men collide…Kane going to the turnbuckle but Orton hits him hard. Orton to Kane on the turnbuckle now…KANE HITS A CHOKESLAM FROM HELL OFF THE TURNBUCKLE AND GETS THE WIN!!!
WINNER: Kane via Chokeslam from Hell.
GRADE: B+ match. That’s a bit better.
Post-match, Orton is in pain.
Backstage, Santino is with Mick Foley and some dude from The Deadliest Catch which was popular a couple years ago but don’t tell Vince that. They are eating crab legs. And Foley is talking like a pirate. You see, because Foley is on a boat. Santino and Foley put on their socks, The Cobra and Mr. Socko. Ron Simmons shows up and says, “DAMN”.
WWE welcome to Florida National Guard Soldiers who are here tonight.
MATCH #3: Cody Rhodes (champion) vs. Big Show (challenger) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
We get a comedy reel showing Big Show and all his embarrassing Wrestlemania moments because we haven’t telegraphed Show winning enough. Rhodes is out first and Show is out next. Bell rings and Rhodes runs outside. He Baseball Slides Show and tries a Cross Body but Show catches him and tosses him. Rhodes tries to beat on Show but Show just press slams him. Show with a HUGE Flair chop. Another one. Then he just pounds him. Show hits a HUGE slam. Rhodes is backed in the corner and Show hits him in the stomach and chops him. Then he rubs his ass in Rhodes’ face. Rhodes in the corner. Show poses and tries a body splash but misses. Drop kicks by Rhodes and punches but Rhodes shoves him and hits a low drop-kick to knock him down. He stomps on Show and pins but it’s not even close. Rhodes hits a flying stomp. Then he stomps Show’s leg. He puts Show in a leg to knee lock then elbows the knee. Rhodes poses and stomps on Show some more. Rhodes says this is HIS moment and then hits another leg lock. Show powers out of it and catches a kick and starts clotheslining Rhodes. Rhodes in the corner and rushes but Rhodes kicks. He goes to the top but Show goes for a chokeslam. Rhodes counters and bounces the hand off the ropes. Disaster Kick! Show wobbles! He tries another but SHOW CATCHES HIM AND SLAMS HIM!!! He tunes him up for the WMD and BOOM. It’s over at 5:18 and Show is the new Champ.
WINNER AND NEW CHAMPION: Big Show via WMD
GRADE: C+ match, however. There was just nothing here.
Sheamus in his K-Mart ad.
Back in Miami and, christ…the dumb Diva match is up next. Time to get something to eat.
Diva video package.
MATCH #4: WWE Divas Champion Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres vs. Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos
Yay! LIKE OMG! TIME FOR, LIKE, DIVAS TO “WRESTLE”! (Boy, I was mean.) Eve tries for a Moonsault and Kelly Kelly counters and knocks her down. Then, Kelly and Maria rub their asses in Eve’s face. This must be that “classy” stuff that Divas stand for, like Eve was saying in the promo. Eve does some more shit. I’m sorry. I just don’t care. Then she shakes her ass. Maria tags Kelly Kelly who beats on Beth Phoenix. Kelly hits one of those spinning head scissor things that couldn’t work in real life because there’s no actual physical leverage. Kelly hits a nice sitting Senton but Eve pulls Kelly off Beth. Beth calls for the Glam Slam and Kelly Kelly counters! Bulldog! Kelly going to tag Maria who is freakin’ out on her feet. Maria tagged in and gets on the turnbuckle. Oh shit. Beth just comes in and decks her. Then she press slams Maria but Kelly pulls her down and pushes Beth into Eve. Maria rolls up Beth for the pin at 6:49.
WINNER: Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos via roll up
GRADE: D+. Could have been worse but it was still bad — and longer than the last match.
- Kelly Kelly would leave the WWE in late 2012. She wrestles independently.
- Maria Menounos is a television celebrity and has appeared on several variety/reality shows such as Access Hollywood and The Real World as well as sitcoms and shows like The Mindy Project and One Tree Hill. In 2013, she inducted Bob Backlund into the WWE Hall of Fame.
- Beth Phoenix left the WWE in late 2012 for family reasons.
Backstage, Matt Striker is with Shawn Michaels. Striker is asking how Michaels feels. Michaels says he has power in the palm of his hand to end an era.
Just announced: SunLife Stadium has 78,363 people here at Wrestlemania 28!
Jim Ross is welcomed to ringside to, presumably, help out calling the Undertaker match. Cole: “Well…I guess it wouldn’t be Wrestlemania without J.R….” Ross shakes Cole’s hand.
MATCH #5: Triple H vs. The Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell Match (Shawn Michaels is the Special Guest Referee)
Michaels is out first. He poses. HHH is out first. He comes out of a giant metal armor top complete with helmet with glowing red eyes. Triple H spits his water. The cell hangs in the air. HHH stands in the corner. Michaels paces as HHH stares. Gong…lights go out…lightning strikes…fog sets in…and here comes the Deadman. He has spikes on his leather coat. This is like a hybrid of his Goth gimmick a while back but Goth Dressed For Battle. Jim Ross calls him “The Demon of Death Valley”. I like that. Has a nice ring to it. Undertaker reveals his shaved head with a slight mohawk. It works. Not great, but it works. The two men just stare at each other…until both look up and the Cell drops slowly as “The Memory Remains” by Metallica plays…we’re ready. The bell rings and the two men start. Trading shots. HHH in the corner but comes back punching. He beats on The Undertaker. Taker tosses HHH into the corner. Then he just decks him hard. Taker tosses HHH out of the ring. He belts HHH in the face. Taker slams HHH’s face into the steps. He headbutts HHH. HHH rams Taker into the Cell. Taker whips HHH into the cell. HHH charges and Undertaker just back body drops him. Taker headbutts HHH. He lifts up HHH and runs him right into the cage. He continues to pound on HHH. Then he chokes him mercilessly like the old days. HHH punches back. Michaels checks on HHH but Taker shoves Michaels…oh, god…PLEASE don’t end this cheap. Taker shoves HHH’s head into the ring steps. Taker throws HHH into the ring steps. FINALLY back in the ring now. Taker into the rops. HHH misses a clothesline. HHH into the ropes and a Facebuster by HHH but Taker no-sells and just clotheslines the shit out of HHH. Taker twists the arm for battering ram shoulder blocks. Another arm twist and Old School…and…he HITS it. Almost zero offense from HHH right now. Taker tosses HHH out of the ring. Taker goes for the ring steps. He belts HHH in the head with the steps. He tries again…but HHH is rolled into the ring as Michaels checks on him. Undertaker pulls HHH’s head just off the mat and kicks it. Then he goes for the Guillotine…and hits it perfectly. Michaels checks on HHH as Undertaker just steps in. A kick and quick DDT on The Undertaker by HHH. HHH smacks Taker’s head on the ring steps which sit in the ring corner. He lifts up Taker and goes for the Pedigree but Taker reverses into a back body drop. Taker starts punching HHH. Taker beats HHH’s head into the steps. He punches HHH in the head and then goes off the ropes, running AND HHH HITS A SPINEBUSTER ON THE RINGSTEPS!!! HHH goes to Taker AND TAKER HITS THE HELL’S GATE!!! HHH counters and SLAMS the Undertaker down. 1…2…kick-out! HHH out and under the ring for something…he gets a steel chair and uses it to smack The Undertaker, hitting him in the stomach and back. Then he grabs the steel steps and puts them in the corner. He tosses Taker into them. HHH tosses the steps out. He picks up the chair again and whacks Taker in the back. Another chair shot. Michaels tells HHH to cover him. HHH hits six more. Michaels stops him. HHH hits ANOTHER. Then another and another and another…AND ANOTHER…holy shit…HHH says “YOU WANT IT DONE? YOU END IT!!!” Michaels says “COVER HIM! HE’S NOT GONNA QUIT!!!” HHH picks up the chair again and hits Taker with the chair. Michaels goes to stop the match but Taker says “Don’t stop him…DO NOT STOP HIM.” HHH uses the chair and hits Taker again. Cover…1…2…3NO!!! WHOA. The crowd is stunned. Another chair. This time, Michaels shoves HHH and says “COME ON!!!” HHH goes outside and Undertaker says, “Don’t stop him Shawn…” HHH gets the Sledge. Fuck. Michaels yells at HHH. HHH says he’s ending this. Michaels says, “THEN END IT. OR I WILL.” Shawn begs HHH to let him end it. He smacks Taker in the JAW!!! 1…2…KICKOUT!!! SO close. ANOTHER shot in the stomach. Michaels can’t watch. He goes for the head and Michaels stops him. He tells Michaels to use the hammer and end it. Michaels tosses the hammer. He wants to ring the bell but Taker stirs…not like this…not like this…Michaels goes to signal for the bell…but stops…HHH says DO IT. He puts Michaels in the Hell’s Gate!!! Holy shit!!! HHH uses the hammer again. Oh man…Taker kicks HHH in the stomach and hits Hell’s Gate!!! HHH has the hammer!!! He drops it!!! Shawn is still out!!! HHH has the hammer again…and he’s out!!! Shawn is not well…he’s just not awake…Taker lets HHH go. Here comes Charles Robinson. He takes over…TAKER HITS THE CHOKESLAM!!! 1…2…KICKOUT!!! KICKOUT!!! Taker goes and Chokeslams Charles Robinson!!! Jesus…TOMBSTONE but HHH counters and UNDERTAKER IS HIT BY SWEET CHIN MUSIC BY MICHAELS!!! PEDIGREE BY HHH!!! 1…2…THR–KICK-OUT!!! HOLY SHIT!!! HHH is up with the Sledgehammer. The crowd chants “THIS IS AWESOME”. HHH goes for the Hammer. Michaels stops him! HHH tosses Michaels out!!! He turns AND UNDERTAKER SITS UP AND SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF HHH!!! TAKER JUST DEMOLISHES TRIPLE H!!! SNAKE EYES, GUILLOTINE, CLOTHESLINES!!! TOMBSTONE!!! MICHAELS COUNTS – 1…2…3KICK OUT!!! HHH KICKS OUT!!! HOLY SHIT!!! Taker and HHH both down. Taker headbutts HHH. HHH punches back. They trade punches. They’re on auto-pilot. Still trading shots on their feet. More punches!!! TOMBSTONE!!! COUNTER!!! PEDIGREE!!! 1…2…3KICKOUT!!! TAKER OUT AGAIN…the stadium is fucking out of their MINDS. Michaels just looks on and barely moves. Taker sits up. HHH is crawling for the Hammer…he gets it. Taker gets a chair…oh god…Taker up AND STEPS ON HHH’S HAMMER. He hits a chair shot on HHH!!! Another. Michaels is not watching. HHH is just getting pounded. Michaels can’t do it. Taker goes and waits for HHH to get up. Another chair shot. Another. Michaels says ENOUGH. Taker covers. 1…2…and HHH kicks out. Taker says DIE! Taker gets up. HHH gets the Hammer. He crawls to the corner with it. Taker stands there, just watching HHH to see what he’ll do next.. Taker yells STAY DOWN!!! HHH goes to hit Taker with it. Taker blocks and shakes his head…and takes it away. All three men stand there. HHH and Taker stare each other down. Michaels stares at both. Taker just waits for HHH to move. DX Crotch Chop by HHH in an act of defiance. Taker hits him in the head with the Hammer. Michaels has his back turned. HHH uses Taker’s tights to climb upward. Undertaker looks down, into his eyes…and does the thumb across the throat…calling for the Tombstone. He hits it. That HAS to be it. Arms folded. 1…2….3. That’s it.
WINNER: The Undertaker via Tombstone
GRADE: What. A. Match. A+. The Undertaker went a nice, round 20-0 here.
Post-match, Michaels helps The Undertaker up and hugs him.
The Undertaker is 20-0 at Wrestlemania. Fireworks go off. The board declares, “20-0”. Taker rests in the corner, then goes to HHH. Taker and Michaels help HHH up off the mat and carry him away. The crowd is gone. Just gone. 20-0. All men walk, together, backstage.
Slim Jim commercial for the Troops. Eve, Big Show, and Rey all talk about how Slim Jims is part of a program to help the troops.
Hall of Fame promo.
Out comes the Hall of Fame Class of 2012:
- Mil Mascaras
- Yokozuna (The Ailoi Family represents)
- Ron Simmons
- The Four Horsemen
- Mike Tyson
- Edge
Wrestlemania 29 will be at MetLife Stadium in New York City…so I am assuming that Madison Square Garden will not be the spot for number 30?
Heath Slater comes out to say that Flo’Rida is NOT the guy to perform. He is. He asks Flo if he wants to do a duet. Flo says no. Heath says how about as a DJ? No. Heath says back-up dancer? No. He asks what he CAN do and Flo says “Hold my mic.” Heath talks back and Flo is so gangsta, he gives Heath the SHOVE OF DOOM.
MATCH #6: Team Johnny (The Miz, Mark Henry, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, David Otunga) (w/ John Laurinaitis, Vickie Guerrero and Brie Bella) vs. Team Teddy (Kofi Kingston, The Great Khali, R-Truth, Zack Ryder, Booker T, Santino Marella) (w/ Teddy Long, Hornswaggle, Nikki Bella, Eve Torres and Aksana)
Remember the 183 other wrestlers the WWE employs? They’re all here. Kingston and Zig go at it. Tumble Slam on Kofi. Kofi in the corner, kicks Zigs and hits a nice cross body. Double hip toss by Kofi and Truth. Truth with the knee-drop. Truth pins for two. Drop kick by Zig. Tag to Drew who starts well but Truth overtakes him and hits a nice forearm. Khali in now and clubs Drew. Khali slaps Drew. In comes Booker. He tees off on Drew, slapping him around. Booker in the corner. Hits an elbow and a nice superkick. Side Slam. Two-count. Drew takes over and tries an Irish Whip but Booker takes him out and hits every team member on Team Johnny. McIntyre in and kicks Booker, making the tag to Swagger. Snap Mare by Swagger. Swagger hits a nice clothesline. Kick-out by booker. Mark Henry in now. He slams Booker. Booker being worked over in the corner with the ref’s back turned. In comes Miz. He hits a running knee lift on Booker. Sleeper by Miz. Booker breaks out but Miz knees him in the guy. Suplex by Miz, blocked by Booker who reverses it. Tag to Ziggler again. He hits a huge elbow smash and tags in Miz who bounces around like an idiot. He gets behind Booker and punches him. Team Teddy chants for Booker. This thing is a tag away from free-for-all status. Booker finally gets out of a move and here come the finishers. Every team member hits a big move. They toss Hornswoggle at the guys on the ground. Then three guys flip over the ropes like the Three Storms and attack the rest of the guys while Aksana beats Vickie. The Bellas pull them apart. Booker and Miz still in. Santino waiting. He tags and here comes Santino. And here comes the screwjob. Santino hits the headbutt off the ropes and goes for the Cobra. Johnny hits the mat and leaps off. COBRA TO MIZ!!! 1..2…3NO! Ziggler in to stop it. Here comes the finishers. Ryder with the Bull Rider. Miz just gets beat up. I can’t keep up. Skull Crushing Finale by Miz on Ryder after Ryder is distracted by Eve and Team Johnny wins. I knew it couldn’t end well.
WINNER: Team Laurinaitis
GRADE: C+ match. Can’t wait for the bullshit Monday Night RAW shit we’ll be getting. (And, WOW, it was shit.)
- Eve Torres had one more storyline where she won — and then lost — the Divas Championship the same year. She left the WWE in early 2013 to focus on her role as an instructor for the Gracie Women Empowered Self-Defense program. She made a one-time return in 2013 as a presenter at the Slammy Awards.
Post-match, Team Johnny celebrates. The WWE better fix this stupid storyline. This is the fucking worst. Everyone on Team Teddy just glares at Ryder. Eve apologizes. Then she kicks Ryder in the balls and walks off. Wow…they couldn’t just end it with Santino getting the pin? We have to prolong this bullshit? It’s like Cole/Lawler all over again.
Torrie Wilson and Alex Rodriguez are at ringside because the WWE likes to underline the fact that cheaters always prosper and also bang hot women because they can.
Promo for Axxess.
Backstage, John Laurenitis tells CM Punk that if Punk gets DQ’ed, he will lose his title. I really wish they would stop telegraphing things.
MATCH #7: Chris Jericho (challenger) vs. CM Punk (champion) for the WWE Championship (If Punk is DQ’ed, he loses the title)
Jericho is out first with his super duper Lite Brite jacket. Pyro and fireworks go off. Punk is out next. He looks fired up. Andy Garcia is shown at ringside…wait…what if he’s gonna help Jericho screw over punk? #RUSSOSWERVE Punk and Jericho lock up and Punk has a nice takedown. The two roll around until Punk punches Jericho in the head. Slap by Punk. Punk stomps a mudhole in Jericho. Slap by Jericho. Punk stomps another mudhole. Another slap and Jericho cowers while Punk wails on him. Jericho asks Punk how his father is and Punk just goes at Jericho, beating him. Slam by Jericho. Punk up to the top rope but Jericho rolls out of the ring. So Punk just flying clotheslines Jericho anyhow outside. Punk gets a chair and tries to use it inside the ring. Jericho says “HIT ME IN THE HEAD!!!” He continues to talk trash. Punk tosses the chair and charges and Jericho hits the dropkick. Punk into the ropes and Jericho hits the high elbow. Jericho goes to Punk and Punk tries to GTS him but Jericho clotheslines him inside the ring. Jericho superplexes Punk out of the ring. Jericho runs and kicks Punk in the stomach. Inside the ring, Jericho hits elbow smashes. Crowd is dead right now. Jericho hits a nice spinning backbreaker. Sleeper by Jericho and Punk breaks out and rushes Jericho…but Jericho hits a spinning backbreaker. He punches Jericho. Jericho kicks Punk who fights back, punching Chris. Jericho counters with a boot in the corner. Punk up to the top but Jericho tosses him to the mat. He gets a two-count. The crowd doesn’t flinch. Abdominal Stretch. Punk rushes Jericho in the corner but gets kicked in the face. Jericho with a bulldog but Punk counters and shoves Jericho into the corner, face first. Jericho up and misses his clothesline. Punk chops at him and punches him. Jericho to the ropes. Kick! Clothesline! Neckbreaker! Jericho in the corner! Running kneelift! Bulldog! COUNTER AND LIONSAULT!!! COUNTER!!! WALLS OF JERICHO!!! COUNTER!!! PUNK KICKS JERICHO IN THE HEAD! TWO-COUNT!!! Wow…that was a quick flurry! Punk slams Jericho and goes to the top rope…he leaps…and hits the elbow!!! Jericho hits the Codebreaker!!! But Punk rolls out of the ring…Jericho goes to get him…PUNK HITS the GTS!!! Punk doesn’t cover and finally DOES! 1…2…and I knew Jericho would get the bottom rope. Jesus, the telegraphing is horrible. Punk up and kicking Jericho. He misses the Roundhouse! Powerslam! Two-count! Punk with a suplex attempt. Counters, numerous. Jericho does a half suplex, bouncing him off the ropes and landing Punk on his stomach. LIONSAULT! And a two-count. Jericho punches at Punk. Jericho to the 2nd rope and Punk up and chopping at Jericho. Punk hits a Hurricarana!!! BUT JERICHO COUNTERS INTO THE WALLS OF JERICHO!!! Punk gets to the ropes!!! Jericho lets go of the hold and says he won. The ref says he didn’t. Jericho is pissed. He rushes at Punk who tosses Jericho like a sack of potatoes out of the ring. Punk dives out of the ring and hits Jericho outside! Punk with a nice high knee lift! Punk puts Jericho in the ring. He springs off the ropes to splash Jericho!!! JERICHO HITS THE CODEBREAKER IN MID-AIR!!! 1…2…3NOOO!!! Wow. Jericho goes to Punk and picks him up, taunting his family! GTS! NO! Counter! Another GTS! Jericho counters and punches Punk. Jericho elbows him…Jericho to the ropes…Punk leaps and hits a kick in the kidney. Jericho falls. Punk goes for the GTS! BUT JERICHO COUNTERS INTO WALLS OF JERICHO!!! Oh man…Punk with nowhere to go…Punk is crawling…reaching…reaching…Jericho drags him away again… Punk counters and CRADLE!!! 1…2…NO!!! Counter Cradle!!! 1…2…NO!!! ANACONDA VICE!!! Jericho hitting Punk in the head and powers out!!! WALLS AGAIN!!! Punk battles back…Punk is trying hard to stop it!!! He counters!!! VICE!!! Jericho can’t get out…HE TAPS!!! HE TAPS!!! WHEW!!!
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: CM Punk via Anaconda Vice
GRADE: A+!!! Wow…
Post-match, Punk celebrates as Jericho looks on.
A promo with WWE and New York.
The guys who flew the jets that flew over the stadium are here at ringside.
Oh, christ…Funkasaurus is out. Can somebody please either boot him out of the WWE or find him a meaningful angle? Funk gets on the mic and says that he wants everyone to reach into their pockets and pull out their phones. He says he wants everyone to call their Mamas. There’s somebody doing it. Then Funk calls his Mama. Comedy gold right here. Oh, then his Mama comes out and dances. Followed by several OTHER Mama’s who dance together. Are you not entertained?
We need something else, please.
A commercial for G.I. Joe 2. That’s not what I meant.
Promo for John Cena and The Rock. “ONCE IN A LIFETIME”. They keep saying that…but all The Rock and Cena do is get in a ring together and shout at each other ONCE A WEEK.
MATCH #8: John Cena vs. The Rock
Sean “Diddy” Combs is out to introduce a band of fucking idiots who want to sing the wrestlers to the ring. Wow. They rap like fucking idiots for three minutes. Then the crowd boos them. Out comes Cena. Cena gets booed BIG time. He’s a failed experiment. Cena taunts the crowd. Just make him a feel already. Flo-Rida out to introduce the Rock. Anything to push this show to four hours…ANYTHING. The performance is comprised of Flo-Rida rapping over his own song. Then some chick joins him and they sing their way down the aisle. FUCK, just wrap it up and let’s go. OMG…is this the Grammies or Wrestlemania? Jesus…whoever booked this shit must have been doing some crazy shit…Cocaine is a helluva drug. FINALLY, THE ROCK COMES OUT TO THE STAGE. It’s been almost 25 minutes from the last match. John Cena and The Rock are introduced. Can’t wait to see how this one goes. Here we go…The Rock and Cena stare at one another for a full minute. And here we go. Cena and Rock lock up and Cena shoves Rock. Then they circle one another and lock-up again. Cena gets shoved by Rock. Wow…so…then they lock up again. Rock gets a headlock. Cena bear-hugging. Rock let’s go and the two counter arm holds. Cena into the ropes and multiple arm drags by the Rock. Quick roll-up. Two-count. 2 1/2 minutes later, it’s like the match never started. Lock-up again. Rock with a shoulderblock and Cena with a hiptoss and takedown. Headlock by Cena. Rock gets out and Cena kicks him in a throat. Rock punches Cena. Cena into a corner like a dog. Then Rock punches him and Cena goes outside. Rock kicks Cena. Cena rams Rock into the corner and repeatedly headbutts him in the stomach. He rushes at Rock and clotheslines him. Rock gets to the ropes but Cena grabs him. He applies THE BEARHUG OF DOOM. Rock gets up and hits Cena. Rock rushes him but Cena holds the top rope down and Rock goes flying. Cena follows and does Snake Eyes to Rock on the barricade. Cena lifts Rock and drops his head and chest on the announce table. Then he goes in the ring and sits down. Then he shrugs. What a move. Cena retrieves Rock and pins him for two. Cena punches Rock in the face. Then kicks him. Cena waits and hits a belly to belly suplex. Two-count. Cena punches but Rock punches back. Cena tosses Rock to the ropes and hits ANOTHER BEARHUG OF TOTAL DESPAIR. OMG…this goes on far too long. Finally, Rock punches his way out. He kicks Cena and hits a DDT. Two-count. Nobody cares, really. The crowd is fucking dead. Cena punches Rock in the corner. Rock comes back and hits a clumsy clothesline and then a Spinebuster. Rock sets up for the People’s Elbow…BUT CENA COUNTERS WITH THE STF! NO! Rock counters and gets out and now Cena hits his pre-5 Knuckle moves. Cena Bomb. U Can’t See Me…and he hits THE DIVING PUNCH OF TERROR on The Rock who sells it like he’s been hit in the skull with a bullet. Cena with the AA but Rock counters and the two clothesline each other. The ref counts and both men are getting up. Rock and Cena exchange punches. Rock really does it, goes for the Smackdown but CENA HITS THE AA!!! 1…2…3NO!!! Both men are having trouble getting to their feet. THE BIPOLAR CENA CHANT OF ANGST starts in the place. Cena lifts up Rock who HITS THE ROCK BOTTOM!!! 1…2…3NOOOO!!! Rock soes to Cena and kicks him. Cena hits a Side Slam and gets two. Cena goes to the top rope…he pauses…waits…leaps…LEGDROP!!! 1…2…3.NOOOOO!!! Cena up and waiting. Rock is slow as fuck getting up. Cena with the AA but Rock holds the top rope. Spear by Rock and Rock hits the Sharpshooter! Cena crawls to the ropes…but he can’t get there…Cena breaks the hold, getting to the ropes. Rock punches Cena repeatedly. Rock hits The Sharpshooter again. Once again, Cena tries for the ropes. He gets there and the hold is broken. Rock goes outside the ringand punches Cena from outside. He elbows Cena on the mat. Then he tosses Cena into the steel steps. Rock goes to Cena who is lying on the mat outside. He bounces Cena’s head off the steps. Cena makes his way to the ring. CENA HITS THE STF!!! Rock is fading…fading…one hand down…two hands down…Rock is still alive. What a surprise. Rock tries for the ropes…and gets there! Cena to his feet and Rock hits a Fallaway Slam! Both get to their feet and trade shots. Rock with the Rock Bottom! Counter! AA! Counter! Spinebuster by Rock! People’s Elbow coming right up…cover…1….2…kick out. Rock picks up Cena but Cena counters into a cradle! Two-count! Cena flips Rock down…and slingshots him into the turnbuckle…roll-up!!! 1…2…NO! Cena picks Rock up and puts him in the corner. Cena tries for a Superplex…but Rock powers out. Rock to the top rope. Cena gets up! Rock with a cross-body! Cena reverses the pin! Rock reverses! Cena rolls up with Rock in his arms! HE HITS THE AA!!! 1…2…3…NO!!! ROCK KICKS OUT!!! Cena goes for the People’s Elbow AND RUNS INTO THE ROCK BOTTOM…1…2…3! ROCK WINS!!!
WINNER: The Rock via Rock Bottom
GRADE: B+ main event. I have to say…this was a good match. Not great but a good main event match.
Post-match, Rock celebrates. Cena watches from the aisle. Pyro goes off.
I’d say this year gets a B-. The three big matches plus Orton/Kane kinda saves it. (Yeah, same. Also, the “Once in a Lifetime” bullshit doesn’t hold up — the two would go at it next year.)
That’s it!
— Matt