THIS RETRO BUSINESS: Saturday Night’s Main Event #3 – November 2, 1985

These shows were so stupid and corny…yet, as I mentioned in the last review, there’s something so very comforting about them. It’s nice to re-live these.

Let’s start.

We start with Bobby Heenan dressed like Davy Crockett. Gene is dressed like a pumpkin superhero or something. Heenan says that Hogan is gonna be crushed like a pumpkin.

Hogan says that they’re welcoming the challenge. Andre stops him from talking and says, “Let’s go and take care of business.”

Ventura has “Rowdy” Roddy Piper dressed as Superman. He says that the Hillbillies are pissed that Roddy interrupted the wedding. They’ll be on Piper’s Pit tonight.

Gene has Terry Funk and Jimmy Hart. Funk is gonna take on JYD tonight.

SNME Titles.

We are LIVE(!) from Hershey, Pennsylvania!

Vince McMahon & Jesse “The Body” Ventura are the guys on the mics.

We get clips from Terry Funk’s last outing when he beat people up. Gene has Funk and Jimmy Hart. Hart claims that they just saw “Visual Effects” and that the footage wasn’t real.

More clips of Jimmy Hart ordering a JYD beatdown from Funk at an MSG Show.

Gene has JYD who is vowing revenge tonight.

JYD attacks while Funk’s back is turned. He’s all over Funk. Hart hides under the mat as his client is straddled over the ropes, ruining chances for any future funks. JYD hits several body slams, then just dumps Funk outside. The crowd is digging every second. Back in the ring, JYD with more slams and Funk leaves the ring as the crowd chants “JYD”. Funk goes for a whip and JYD pulls on JYD’s leg as he happens by. JYD hops out of the ring and chases Hart. Funk chases but gets a Back Body Drop for his troubles. Back in the ring, Funk starts jabbing at Funk and hits a nice hook. Two count. Funk hits a Sleeper on JYD. JYD gets to the ropes and hits one of his own. JYD nails him and pulls him in the ring. The ref deals with Hart in the ring. Funk nails JYD with the stray megaphone. You know the words. Sing along.

Post-match, Funk goes for his “branding iron”…oh…this has some real bad implications if this spot lands. Thankfully, JYD grabs the iron and whacks Funk in the head. Funk falls outside the ring and JYD finally gets his hands on Hart. He absolutely clocks him and Hart goes down. Funk tries to retrieve him but JYD pulls on Hart’s legs, causing Hart to get his pants pulled off. JYD punches Funk, grabs the iron which isn’t even hot to begin with and brands Hart on his ass.

Backstage, there’s a pie-eating contest…and, holy shit, everyone’s in a costume.Albano is Caesar and Bundy, his opponent, is dressed as Abraham Lincoln. There are pies everywhere but, apparently, Albano wins. Bundy pies him in the face.

It’s time for Piper’s Pit with Hillbilly Jim, Uncle Elmer and Cousin Junior. We get clips from when Piper insulted the three of them.

Piper arrives with Cowboy Bob Orton. He starts asking questions about the wedding night. Elmer isn’t happy. Neither is Jim or Junior. The Hillbillies want Ventura out here right now like a man. Ventura obliges like the Sexual Tyrannosaurus he is. Pipe attacks Junior. Jim attacks Orton. Jim and Elmer corner Ventura who escapes the ring. Elmer beats up his hat and the Hillbilly World Order has their moment in the sun.

Backstage, Randy Savage and Elizabeth are dressed like Tarzan and Jane. Heenan is ready to bob for apples with JYD who is dressed like a mummy. Junior takes over. The two men go nuts and Heenan wins the match, 7 to 4. Good stuff.

Gene has Heenan and his boys, Studd and Bundy. The heels promise that a beatdown is gonna come to the heroes because they’re the best.

Gene has Albano, Hogan and Giant. Albano talks. Hogan interrupts. What else is new?

It’s Bundy vs. Hogan to start. Hogan knocks him down and goes for a quick pin but that doesn’t work. Hogan tries to slam Bundy but can’t. Bundy attacks but Hogan comes back, punching and slapping. Tag to Andre who chokes Bundy and tags Hogan back in. Bundy takes advantage of a distraction by Studd and it’s the usual Hogan Peril Spot. Doesn’t last long as Hogan hits an Atomic Drop that doesn’t go to plan. Tag to Andre and Andre just beats on Studd. Andre nails the ref by accident and it’s a Pier Six Brawl. The heroes clear the ring as a new ref takes over.

After a break, it’s Giant vs. Studd. He punches Studd after a bearhug and then sends Studd to Hogan who nails Studd. Hogan is in and hits a clothesline. Tag to Andre who hits a huge boot to Studd. Bundy gets in the ring. Hogan cuts him off. Studd puts Andre in the ropes as Bundy hits an Avalanche Splash on Hogan. It’s double-team time on Andre and the two heels don’t stop attacking so the ref rings the bell and it’s a DQ.

Post-match, it’s a brawl until Hogan and Andre clear the ring. Gene jumps in the ring to interview them and it’s almost unintelligible.

After break, Gene has Randy Savage and Liz. He is ready for his shot at the IC Title against Tito Santana.

Quick brawl leads nowhere. Lock-up leads to Santana on the mat from a punch. Savage drops a knee and goes for a whip but Santana hits a hip toss. Savage gets up when Santana misses an elbow. He hits a double axehandle from the second buckle. Savage applies a headlock. Santana tries to escape but Savage elbows him. He tries for another axehandle off the buckle but Santana nails him coming down and hits some punches and a slam. He tries to follow up but Savage leaves the ring. Santana follows him, punching away. Savage gets back in the ring and knocks Santana off the mat when he follows. Double countout ends it.

Post-match, Savage leaves and Tito holds up his belt.

Mr. Fuji and Ricky Steamboat are gonna do a “Kung Fu Challenge” which is apparently comprised of Mr. Fuji scan himself and Steamboat breaking plywood.

Piper is having a Halloween party at his house. He makes a candy apple out of a bowling ball and candy bars out of bricks. Vince McMahon is there with him because he owns a transporter system like Star Trek. Piper goes fucking insane and says a bunch of goofy shit. Kids come trick-or-treating. Hilarity ensues. The whole thing goes on and on like a bad SNL sketch.

Vince is with Hulk Hogan. Hogan keeps calling him, “Vicious Vince” like that’s gonna catch on.

Gene is with Mr. Fuji who chops at a brick and a piece of wood to prove he knows Kung Fu.

Then he interviews Steamboat about the time when they nearly killed him by hanging him from the ring ropes. Tonight…they will feel the Dragon.

Steamboat chops and kicks at Fuji. Fuji comes back with a kick to Steamboat’s thigh and a chop. Steamboat hits kicks to put Fuji on his knees. Fuji comes back with punches and uses a claw toss to throw Steamboat across the ring because that works in real life. Fuji goes for a suplex but Steamboat reverses it and hits a Missile Dropkick off the ropes to pick up the win. Something tells me that wasn’t totally authentic.

Gene is backstage with Liz and does the “Pumpkin Pass” with him, using their chins. This disturbs me.

The Body badmouths Albano for eating pies like a pig. Then it’s a Pumpkin Pass which isn’t at all gay.

Gene is with The Body as the heels go for a pumpkin pass and they lose because Liz sucks at chin-humping.

Body is with Gene and Vince. Body and Piper wanna take on The Hillbillies on the next SNME.

Er, that’s it.