- Uncle Elmer takes on King Kong Bundy in a Battle of the Big Guys.
- The new WWF Tag Team Champion British Bulldogs will face off against Nikolai Volkoff and Iron Sheik.
- Paul Orndorff faces Adrian Adonis
- Hulk Hogan and Junkyard Dog take on the Funk Brothers.
We are LIVE(!) from Providence, Rhode Island for the ONLY thing going on in that state!
Your guys on the mics are Vince McMahon and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan(!).
Heenan likes what he’s wearing and he’s not getting any respect.
Gene has Jimmy Hart and the Funk Brothers backstage. Hart says that the brothers are working on their reflexes. Gene shows us a megaphone spot the Funks used at WrestleMania 2 to win their match. Hart is gonna have Jimmy Jack Funk at ringside to deal with The Haiti Kid.
Gene interviews Hogan, JYD and The Haiti Kid. Hogan says The Kid, a midget, is their answer to Jimmy Hart and Jimmy Jack Funk, which is like bringing a toy gun to a shootout.
MATCH #1: The Funk Brothers (Hoss & Terry Funk) (w/ “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart) vs. WWF Champion Hulk Hogan and Junkyard Dog (w/ The Haiti Kid)
It’s a huge brawl to start. The heroes clear the ring. Hogan, who can’t even stand his partners having their own gimmicks for fear that it might overshadow him, gets on his hands and knees and headbutts everyone, wears JYD’s chain and uses it as a weapon while JYD tears off a Hulkamania shirt and then stands there, doing nothing. Hoss and JYD start. Hoss gets slammed and tags Terry who is scared for his life, trapped between JYD and Hogan for a moment. Terry whips JYD into the buckle but JYD moves and Terry’s shoulder hits the post. The heels re-group outside and Hogan invites them back in. Terry sees Haiti and chases him but Haiti hides under the ring. Terry gets back into the ring and goes down. Finally, JYD tags Hogan and it’s him vs. Hoss. Criss Cross ensues but Hogan holds the ropes. Both Funks get in the ring. Hogan boots Terry, knocks down Hoss, drops the elbow and gets a two count. JYD tagged in and this goes on as Hoss tags Terry. HEENAN: “Haiti Kid is the only person who could do 200 push-ups under a Chevy.” The Funks double team JYD and Terry starts throwing jabs. JYD comes back and Terry goes down. Tag to Hoss. Hoss tries a whip but eats post. Funks in the ring get knocked out by Hogan and JYD. Haiti gets involved and Hart whacks him with the branding iron. Hogan chases Hart around the ring. JYD carries him backstage as we go to break.
Hogan is on his own as there is no JYD. He beats on Hoss and knocks Terry into the tiny little announce table. JYD finally arrives with no Haiti Kid. In the ring, Hoss hits uppercuts and tries for a suplex but Hogan reverses it, getting two. JYD and Terry fly into the ring and it’s a short brawl, leaving Hogan vulnerable to Hoss. Hogan rolls outside the ring and is attacked by Terry and Hart. JYD comes to the rescue and it’s a brawl outside the ring. JYD sends Terry into Hogan and Hogan body drops him. In the ring, Hogan nails Hoss with a big boot and rams his head into the buckle. Tag to JYD as Haiti Kid shows up again. JYD tosses Hoss into the corner but Hoss punches JYD as he charges. Hoss hits uppercuts, knocking Hoss down. Terry gets a tag and hits some punches on JYD. JYD gets up and the two men hit a horrible double clothesline, selling it in a way that goes against all laws of momentum and physics. They get to their feet. Terry slams JYD and misses a headbutt. Tag to Hogan and he takes out Hoss, nails Terry with a lariat and it’s a Legdrop and done.
WINNERS: Hogan and JYD
RATING: **1/2. That was actually a lot of fun.
Post-match, Hart and the Funks attack Haiti Kid but Hogan and JYD make the save and slap Hart around some. Jimmy Jack Funk arrives but Hogan has the ring bell and the Funk Brothers bail. Hogan and JYD dance in the ring.
NEXT: Battle of the Big Boys…
We get a weigh-in for the Battle of the Big Boys with Heenan, Bundy and Gene. Bundy is 468 pounds. Bundy declares that Elmer is in trouble. Elmer is eating a bunch of “pig parts” which doesn’t sound at all appetizing no matter how you dress it up or cook it. Elmer is at 430 pounds. Heenan insults him and Elmer glares.
MATCH #2: King Kong Bundy vs. Uncle Elmer
I get strange gimmicks. I don’t get the people that cheered on Elmer as loudly as they did. Big Guy Stalemate to begin. Bundy finally gets him on his knees and pounds him with shots to the head. Elmer comes back with shots to the gut and a forearm. Heenan: “Look at Elmer…he’s like the Hindenburg in denim!” Bundy falls into the corner. Elmer slings him across the ring from buckle to buckle, hitting body splashes. Bundy moves out of the way of a splash and hits a quick elbow for the pin.
WINNER: King Kong Bundy
We go backstage with Mean Gene Okerlund who has Adrian Adonis and Jimmy Hart. They’re fondling a cardboard cutout of Orndorff. Adonis says everyone talks about what an awesome, vicious wrestler Orndorff is, but Adonis says he can be vicious, too. He will prove it.
Meanwhile, there’s a pre-taped segment of Mean Gene and Paul Orndorff sitting together in a sauna which is totally not gay in any way.
|I’m no looker myself, but Gene without a shirt gives me nightmares.|
Orndorff says that Adonis is “light in the loafers” and tells Gene to breathe. Orndorff says that the match is 2 on 1 since Hart will be at ringside. Gene’s chokes on the steam the whole time.
MATCH #3: “Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff vs. Adrian Adonis (w/ Jimmy Hart)
Orndorff hip tosses Adonis and slams him. Adonis rolls out of the ring. Orndorff stomps at Adonis outside, then whips him into the buckle. Adonis rolls out of the ring again. Adonis wastes time outside until the six count, then re-enters the ring and tells Orndorff to slow down. And, so, it does. Adonis kicks at Orndorff but Orndorff comes back with an Abdominal Stretch while Bobby Heenan claims that Orndorff is hooking Adonis’s “shower curtain or whatever”. Adonis escapes into the corner and begs off. Orndorff charges him and Adonis knees him in the stomach and tosses him across the ring. He charges Orndorff who body drops him out of the ring. Hart goes to help Adonis but Orndorff grabs Hart and press slams him into Adonis. We go to break.
Orndorff puts Adonis in an Airplane Spin but Adonis manages to escape outside. Adonis pulls him out and Orndorff throws him into the ring post. Hart attacks Orndorff and Orndorff chases Hart into the ring. As the ref gets between them, Adonis gets the megaphone and clocks Orndorff in the head. Adonis takes over with a knee to the gut but misses a big splash. Adonis manages to get to his feet first and slams Orndorff. He drops an elbow to Orndorff’s head and Adonis gets a two count. Adonis hits a beautiful suplex and another two count. Adonis goes top rope with a splash but Orndorff gets his knees up. He ties Adonis in the ropes and kicks at him, then hits a dropkick. Onrdorff tears part of Adonis’s dress and chokes the shit out of him with it. The ref isn’t happy and gets shoved when he tries to stop Orndorff. We’re done.
WINNER: Adonis via DQ
RATING: **. This match was a long way to go with no solution.
Post-match, Orndorff goes after Adonis with a chair but the refs stop him.
Mean Gene interviews Hulk Hogan in an empty arena. We get clips of King Kong Bundy destroying Hogan on the last SNME. Hogan says all the attack did was wake him up to the fact that he needs to fight for Hulkamania every single day. Gene reviews WrestleMania 2 and the subsequent title match where #HOGANWINSLOL. Hogan says when he won that match, he proved everything he ever promised. He’s gonna do it again.
We got to break.
When we come back, Ricky Steamboat is with Mean Gene and he says he will show Roberts that he won’t be pushed around and embarrassed like Roberts is used to doing. He says that Roberts is gonna be the one on the mat with the snake draped across his body.
We get a pre-taped segment with Jake talking to Damien. (Something to add: Bray Wyatt REALLY had to get his inspiration from Jake’s promos. Wyatt sounds so much like him in his delivery. Also, I really miss seeing Jake around.
MATCH #4: Jake “The Snake” Roberts vs. Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat
Roberts attacks Steamboat before he can get out of the ring, then hits a DDT on the concrete. Roberts goes for Damien and there’s no match.
WINNER: No contest.
Post-match, WWF officials finally show up and Roberts tries to use Damien to fend them off. Steamboat’s wife gets up and walks off.
When we come back from a break, it’s another set of interviews.
Gene is backstage with Captain Lou Albano and the British Bulldogs. Albano is proud of his guys and says they’re in great shape.
In the ring, Volkoff sings the Soviet anthem while Vince says that Volkoff knows as much about wrestling as “Russians know about running a nuclear reactor”. Sheesh, Vince. Real, innocent people died from that and many more were horribly sickened.
MATCH #5: Nikolai Volkoff & The Iron Sheik (challengers) w/ “Classy” Freddy Blassie vs. The British Bulldogs (Davey Boy Smith & Dynamite Kid) (champions) (w/ Captain Lou Albano) in a 2 out of 3 Falls Match for the WWF Tag Team Championship
Volkoff starts with Smith. He misses a charge and Smith goes to work, punching and headbutting. Small Package pin gets a one count. Smith charges but Volkoff drops the neck on the ropes. Sheik is in and he hits a German Suplex and the Camel Clutch. Volkoff and Sheik win the first fall.
WINNER OF THE FIRST FALL: Volkoff & Sheik
Volkoff stomps on Smith and runs his head into Sheik’s boot. Sheik is tagged and he hits a clothesline on Smith, then poses. Sheik puts Smith in an Abdominal Stretch but Smith hits a hip toss to escape but misses and elbow drop. Tag to Volkoff and he works over Smith with a knee to the gut. Smith hits a Sunset Flip pin but Sheik distracts the ref. When he finally realizes there’s a pin, it’s a one count. Sheik gets back in and hits a Gut Wrench Suplex. Two count. Smith finally comes back with an Atomic Drop and gets two. Volkoff gets to his feet and rolls Smith into a pin for a two-count. Smith counters an Irish Whip with a running elbow but can’t get to his corner. Volkoff tags Sheik who drapes Smith on the middle rope. Sheik splashes him there and it’s a tag to Volkoff who slams Smith. Two count as Smith puts his foot on the rope. Volkoff stands up, thinking that he just won the titles for his team. He celebrates and Smith knocks him against Sheik, then rolls him up for the 2nd fall.
WINNERS OF THE SECOND FALL: The Bulldogs
We’re back from a break. Apparently, Dynamite Kid is injured with a torn ligament. Sheik puts Smith in a Boston Crab but Smith gets to the ropes. Tag to Volkoff who puts Smith in a Spine Breaker, then a Bear Hug. Smith fights out and hits forearms. Tag to Sheik but Smith grabs him and hits a Powerslam. Volkoff saves it and it’s a hot tags on both sides. Kid immediate gets Bear Hugs from both men and it’s a Gut Wrench to Kid and a Camel Clutch. Smith saves it and Volkoff gets pushed back by the ref. Smith rolls up Sheik and the Bulldogs retain.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: The Bulldogs
RATING: ***1/2. I really liked that match. Big, tough dudes and great performances all around.
The Bulldogs celebrate and we go to break.
Vince and Heenan review the evening’s event. Heenan wants to talk about Bundy beating up Elmer.
Vince thanks us for being a part of the action and we’re done.
OVERALL: Not a bad card. I’d say **1/2 for this episode.
Er, that’s it.