‘Total Divas’ recap: ‘A Leg Up’

• Our Bachelorette, Natalya, was actually one of the least sloppy drunks, though, she did drunkenly confess to being a bit scared and confused about finally tying the knot and missing (and communicating with) her friend-zoned, would-be suitor, Jaret, a bit too much.
• Nikki, aided and abetted by just about everyone for some reason, was a responsible sister and encouraged her twin, Brie, to drink so much that she would (MATT: Get alcohol poisoning…) enter “Brie Mode”, a fancy way of saying, “Obnoxiously, belligerently smashed”. When she finally did, she was just a somewhat loud dancing queen. Ironically, it was Nikki who fell off a couch while dancing. However, a drunk Brie did lock herself out of her hotel room and handcuffed her boyfriend to a bed, which he forgave as hey, it’s Vegas.
• Cameron didn’t want her boyfriend to come to Vegas as he doesn’t work for the WWE. Also, because she’s way above him because Queen Cameron and he is an embarrassment and not worth licking her boots. So, he came anyway and embarrassed her again by getting sloppy drunk and telling everyone that he loved them, which everyone hated. (MATT: It’s more acceptable when spoiled, arrogant Divas nearly break their necks, falling off couches because they’re stupidly irresponsible.)
• Our newbie, JoJo, stayed sober because she’s 19 and this show can’t promote underage drinking. (MATT: Unless she’s ridiculously hot and willing to do a header off a couch.) Eva Marie didn’t drink for “personal reasons” that will be divulged much later into this series. Still, even sober, these two got into trouble as Eva Marie, paragon for happy relationships everywhere,speculated that she didn’t think JoJo’s blossoming relationship with much older Justin Gabriel would last. Turns out she was right. (MATT: Though, it wasn’t so much a prediction as it was simply stating the obvious.) In one episode, we saw them flirt, have a first kiss at her apartment warming, have a first date, and go as her date to Las Vegas…where he flirted with other girls right in front of her and dumped JoJo, leaving the hotel with another woman. I’m glad, for her sake, she stayed sober because, had she been drunk, she probably would have popped out of a cake and given him a nude lap dance out of sheer desperation.

TAMPA, FL

Eva Marie’s phone rings, and as she takes the call from “Kristin”, the SVP of WWE Talent Relations. She’s lucky she’s in Florida — this is totally legal. Kristin asks, “What’s going on?” to which Eva replies, “What ISN’T going on?”, then giggles like Magical Fire Hair Barbie. (MATT: Oh…I already need more wine…) I wonder what they would do if a Diva crashed her car. Would they film it from a few angles before they offered help? Kristin has exciting news: they want her to do a 1-2 page spread for Maxim Magazine. “Of all the girls, they chose you,” Kristin tells her, which is probably the first and last time anyone has said this to Eva Marie. She says she’s gonna cry because this has been her life-long dream. (MATT: Posing semi-nude in a magazine? Her bar for success is low to the ground.) After hanging up, she literally screams in excitement and claps, making her car lurch forward. (MATT: Don’t bully people, kids. Binge drinking and driving while on your phone? Go right ahead. That’s cool.)

Brie and Nikki are signing autographs for fans outside of an arena. Nikki talks, on camera, about how the Twins’ return to WWE. They have had opportunities to go to many events, meet celebrities, and she knows they have made it. She’s well rested and cannot get enough of the sport and that she’s “so happy to be back on top”. This is foreshadowing that something will go wrong for her in this episode, of course.

Cameron, looking almost Oompa Loompa Orange, is getting ready for a red carpet event. (MATT: Do the Divas get paid by the amount of bronzer they use in an episode?) Vincent, who clearly forgot about that one time in Vegas, is confused why he can’t go. First, she says he has to do papers for the sheriff (job application, plea bargain, we have no idea) and then she says he waited too long to ask her. He pouts that he really wants to go. “Vinnie and I have not been on the same page lately” she says as we see flashbacks from last week where he spilled a drink on her by accident. (MATT: It’s only cool if your last name is “Bella”, Vincent.) He counters that he blew off time with his friends to spend time with her because, apparently, healthy couples don’t need time apart or separate nights out with friends. He and Eva Marie should do an advice column together. She closes the door in his face (MATT: In the most condescending manner possible.) to the bathroom to do her makeup “in peace” and he opens it because he’s that codependent. (MATT: Or sane.) She screams so loud for him to stop that she’s lucky that no one called the police to investigate. (MATT: It was a prolonged “STOP” which made the dog leave the room in fright. If I were Vincent, I’d be packing my things and leaving. Why is nearly everyone on this show wholly unlikable?)

SAN DIEGO, CA

John is being worked on by a trainer. Nikki comes downstairs, wearing a red bra top that has half of her boobs spilling out. She hears Cena groaning in pain, walks by and calls it “the money shot” because everything is porn in her world. The trainer (no name given) says he is increasing flexibility to cut down chances of injury. Nikki tells the camera that their job is tough especially with respect to injuries. “Doctors have said every time we hit the mat, it’s like a car accident,” she tells the camera, “so, we have a stretch therapist over and I’m excited to try it.” The therapist touches her and she moans and breathes hard in a most exaggerated fashion. If you don’t watch the screen you’d think she was filming a porn, back me up on this, Matt? (MATT: I…uh…she’s…he’s…uh…the noise is…) She’s so tight, (MATT: No comment.) muscle wise, another unnamed therapist comes over. Cena looks down her shirt, cause he owns every thing in this house, including Nikki, and says “It’s hard to not just stare down into your femininity”. When she reacts to that, he claims he meant her eyes. Sure, he did. Cena laughs, and the trainers laugh cause he’s paying them. (MATT: And they don’t want Cena to rip off their heads and take their souls.) Nikki kisses him and whispers that as she’s more flexible now they should enjoy it for a few minutes before dinner, or as he suggests, “maybe a few hours afterward”. The editors, ditching any semblance of subtlety, show us gushing fountains at a park just in case anyone missed the fact that they are talking about sex.

GRAND RAPIDS, MI

JoJo, Eva Marie, Cameron and Natalya are having a meal. Natalya is jealous that JoJo can eat anything she wants and not put on weight. (MATT: Then they all laugh, pretending like they’re not purging and barfing up the one French fry they ate.) Eva Marie tells them her news about Maxim. The girls seem mostly happy except for Natalya, who tells the camera, “As much as it pains me to say it, Eva Marie has an It Factor”. I think Natalya means the hair which is certainly one heck of a gimmick. I changed my store bought red locks up a bit this week, Matt said I looked like Eva Marie, (MATT: Suddenly, everyone on Scott’s Blog of Doom hits Danielle’s Facebook for a pic.) but hers is more Raggedy Ann red than mine even with the new color, luckily. Cameron, somehow forgetting that Eva would lose a dance-off to a house cat, says that Eva’s sudden rise means she could lose her job. JoJo tells the camera that she needs to get noticed more, but she can barely get noticed on this show, let alone be taken seriously in the WWE as a whole. (MATT: “Get noticed more”?! She’ll have to really work on that…)

JoJo does a vocal warm up that sounds like she is blowing bubbles underwater, then starts singing The Star Spangled Banner. She clearly has talent, but her vocal range needs work. Eva Marie comes out to see her. JoJo says Eva Marie snuck up on her and scared her. (MATT: HOW DO YOU SCARE SOMEONE WHEN THERE’S A FUCKING CAMERA CREW WATCHING YOU THE WHOLE TIME?!) Eva Marie, showing off her Hawkin-esque intellect, says, “YOU scared ME too! I didn’t know who was singing in our place.” JoJo tells the camera that, despite having no lessons, singing is “her passion”. (MATT: Since now, I guess.) She expresses interest in singing the National Anthem before one of the RAW shows. Her evil plan is that her character will be an “awesome singer” which will increase her fan base (this worked so well with LayCool, didn’t it?) and bring her “straight up to the main roster. (MATT: Ok, JoJo…let’s calm down a second here…) Eva Marie tells the camera she thinks Jojo should only focus on one thing at a time. (MATT: Because only one of them can have a pet project outside wrestling.)

Every Diva on this show (with the exception of Naomi) is there for lunch. All the veteran Divas are dressed up. Nikki browbeats Eva and JoJo and says they aren’t on the main roster, but they are always being looked at and they should be dressed up — even if the veterans were wearing workout gear. (MATT: Wait…the Veterans dress up because Divas should always dress up no matter what, unless they want to work out and wear gym clothes? Am I crazy? Wasn’t that what she just said?) Eva shares her Maxim news and Nikki is not happy. “Here’s the new push, here’s the new poster child,” she tells the camera. She tells her that the Bella Twins were featured in Maxim last year.

Cameron, who could barely stand her boyfriend in their last scene together, tells everyone that Vincent wants their respective parents to meet. There’s a flashback with Vincent describing 60 of his family members coming to meet her. The girls tell her when the parents meet they are practically engaged. (MATT: Unless they wanna work out and wear gym clothes…oh, sorry. Wrong joke.) Cameron tells the camera they’ve only been dating 10 months and she’s not ready for marriage even though 10 months is over three times longer than Eva Marie dated her fiancee before he proposed. (MATT: Whatever happened to that storyline? Did her boyfriend walk in on Eva being gang-banged by half the WWE locker room?) When prompted by Brie, she states that “I have love FOR him, but I do not love him yet.” The girls are shocked and Brie responds that maybe she’s not scared of marriage per se, she just may have not found the right man. Nikki (for no reason other than the fact that her contract as Cena’s girlfriend must demand it) mentions Cena and says when he came into her life, she made sacrifices for him and that he has her heart. When questioned further, Cameron tells Brie she doesn’t know if she could live without him. (MATT: This constitutes several shots of concerned Divas. This is important, folks. This is Cameron’s LIFE.)

HARTFORD, CT 

The Bellas and Natalya fight as a tag team against The Funkadactyls with Katilyn. Kaitlyn thows Brie into Nikki hard, causing Nikki to hit the floor mat outside. (MATT: Her shin…her “freakin’ shin”…it jammed up to her knee.)

Nikki’s in such pain, her and Brie are in full make-up, wearing nothing but bath towels, doing their hair. (MATT: Freakin’ shin, man.) Despite Nikki saying her shin went into her knee, that she is in exteme pain and can barely move, Brie has to try to talk her into seeing the team doctor. Nikki tells the camera that she was in a soccer match years ago, her shin crashed into another girl’s and, as a result, had a rod and screws put in. Nikki doesn’t want to go at all, so Brie says if she doesn’t see the doctor by the weekend Brie will tell on her to Cena and WWE Talent. (MATT: Nikki’s objection, “It’s MY SHIN”, just shows how obvious the staging is.)

LOS ANGELES, CA

Eva Marie is taken back by everything when she arrives. It’s like…BANANAS. And, OMG, this is making her, like, feel like a “real Diva”. (MATT: What does that even mean?) She starts the shoot with a black bikini and heels lounging in front of a swimming pool. The photographers snap pictures and say things that photographers in the movies say, like “She looks like a mermaid” and “She knows how to work it” and “OH MY GOD! That hair flip was SO good”. She models several one piece suits as well as bikinis. Being a former photographer, it cracks me up that at least one photographer’s camera makes the focus beep sound that’s usually the mark of an amateur who can’t figure out how to read the manual to turn it off.

TAMPA, FL

Nikki and Cena have coffee. Cena kindly takes a pic with an adoring fan and he sits down to talk with Nikki. Nikki confesses to him that her shin hurts. He says the first thing he does when something feels wrong is get it checked. Cena seems really concerned and suspects that she could be making things worse by not getting it checked. (MATT: This isn’t rocket science. This is, “My car is out of gas so I should get gas” logic.) He wisely points out that she has time to get her hair, nails and face done regularly, why not get this checked. “The worst part about being hurt for me was doing it solo” he tells her. He assures her that the time she’s out will go by in a flash if she makes the best of it with him. Nikki tells the camera she can’t take that long off. He may have scared her away from seeing a doctor entirely.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Cameron and her new dog, “Glitty”, go to a salon so they can both get their nails done. I’d laugh but dogs can Skype these days, so this is serious shit. (MATT: Didn’t she have a dog named Noodle a few weeks ago? Did Vincent eat it or something or are the producers just lazy and hate continuity?) Vincent, at this point is there just to further his story line, tells Cameron he wants her to meet his dad, as she’s more focused with Glitty fussing and ruining her hot pink dogicure. “Babe, I’m talking can I have your attention?” he asks and she blows him off to watch and hold the dog for the rest of her manicure. (MATT: Shut up, Vincent. When are you gonna learn that it’s only acceptable for a Bella Twin to interrupt a “Glittafaction”?) When pressed for free time, Cameron says she doesn’t “have half an hour to scratch my ass.” You’d think that Naomi having a donk big enough to be used as a finishing move would be the one who needs a full thirty minutes for ass-scratching, but apparently Cameron does as well. (MATT: Thanks for the visual, Cameron.) He says it’s important to his culture and though she tells the camera she’s not ready for marriage she agrees. (MATT: Based on guilt. What a relationship.) When he says his parents will love her, she pipes in that they have to love Glitty. (MATT: Does Cameron even love Glitty?) also. Vincent says they will as long as Glitty doesn’t pee everywhere. (MATT: PLEASE don’t let that be foreshadowing.)

TAMPA, FL

Eva Marie comes home and hugs JoJo, practically humping her. (MATT: That would be the most action either girl has seen since the show started.) She states that having a car service pick her up made her “feel like the most important person in the world”. JoJo is sulking and looking at her phone but says Eva Marie’s proofs look pretty. Eva Marie says that she is usually on JoJo’s side (you know, like saying her relationships won’t last and or that she needs to stick to wrestling instead of singing) but she’s not gonna sit there and watch her sulk, so she goes to her room. (MATT: Danielle covered it. Who’s doing the snark here? :P)

Formerly MIA Naomi along with JoJo are training with Jimmy Uso who has them run stairs and flip ropes around. JoJo can barely do the workouts and whines the whole time. Naomi asks how Eva Marie is doing to move our storyline forward. JoJo says Eva Marie’s success has spurred her on to want to sing at RAW but she is nervous. Naomi says it could make or break her. You know, like when Eva Marie lied that she could dance and was yelled at for five minutes by Stephanie McMahon. Just like that. Naomi tells the camera she should have thought of that first.

When JoJo (who is tossing a tiny lightweight medicine ball back and forth with Jimmy) shares that she wants to sing The National Anthem, Naomi points out that it’s a hard song to do well. “I’d be terrified to sing that, there’s no room for error,” she tells her. Naomi offers to go out there with her to support her/steal her thunder. Brilliant. Next time I’m up for a job and have to negotiate a salary, I want Naomi as my negotiator, I’m not even kidding here. Cameron suggests they do The Funkadactyls’ song which, apparently, is called “Somebody Call My Momma”. She also says they can bring in Naomi and they can be like Destiny’s Child. (MATT: Even Jimmy can’t keep a straight face, hearing this.) When probed if he doesn’t think it’s a good idea replies, “Well, if you sing like you work out, I’m scared for you.”

Brie goes with Nikki to the hospital get her bones scanned. Hey, wasn’t Cena supposed to be there so she wouldn’t feel alone? Where is he when she could be getting bad news on the spot? (MATT: It was a last second re-write by Creative.) Nikki, who is a pro at this, tells the camera that a white spot is bad on a bone scan as it’s an area of injury. As she sees her results on screen, she knows she’s been inured. They scans have to go to the WWE doctors and she’s stressed. Brie tries to cheer Nikki up but tells the camera that, if Nikki has to take time off, she probably will have to also as they are billed as a duo.

Natalya is in her car with Eva Marie as a passenger. They discuss Natalya’s wedding planning, she says sometimes having Tyson around often is stressful. She says she can’t imagine what it’s like having a roommate (instead of a boyfriend) around all the time.Eva agrees that they live, train and hang with each other almost every second. Natalya says they need to have standards in the WWE or else girls who worked at Hooters could just walk in. (MATT: Yeah! We don’t want former models and waitresses like the Eva or the Bella Twi–oh, wait.) When Eva Marie is silent she realizes she worked at Hooters. The two laugh over that. The wings may be subpar there but the waitresses (including some past acquaintances from college) make bank without even having to take off clothing. (MATT: Bewbz.)

Naomi and JoJo go into a recording studio to re-record The Funkadcatyls’ theme song. JoJo didn’t take Nikki’s “dress code” to heart because has jeans on with holes so big, Glitty could jump into them. Cameron is nowhere to be found despite the previous Destiny’s Child idea. JoJo meets Naomi’s dad who “is in the music industry and has connections everywhere”. (MATT: Which is why his stuido is in a run-down business park on the edge of town near Vincent Vega’s apartment in Pulp Fiction.) Naomi says she has never worked professionally with her father. JoJo’s intro notes sound (MATT: Like a cat being disemboweled.) great, but ironically when the girls sing “somebody call my momma”, their voices both sound really weak. This might not end well at all.

LOS ANGELES, CA

Vincent and Cameron (MATT: And Cameron’s weird fucking Jim Henson’s Creature Shop reject, Glitty) get to meet, Andy, Vincent’s Dad. We learn that Vincent is from the Armenian culture and that his dad made many Armenian dishes. Cameron has learned a few phrases in Armenian which impress Andy. He shows them Armenian bread, which is thin, which he will put on both of their shoulders “at their wedding”. Cameron is stunned to hear this. Andy immediately questions Cameron’s line of work and asks, “So, every four days you leave my son alone?”

What a mean thing to say. This is her career. I get she is “just a sports entertainer” but this is the field she has chosen. What if she were a brilliant litigator or vascular surgeon whose career required her to travel as she was one of few people in the world with her background? Would he ask her this then? Probably not is my guess. Vincent says his dad is concerned as he wants grandsons. Remember, Vincent hasn’t even proposed yet and he’s encouraging this to play out. “Don’t be mad at me, I don’t want to have kids for about 7 years,” she tells a shocked Andy. Andy stresses that, in their culture, a son is supposed to leave the house and go out and get engaged and be a father to have responsibilities.

Eva Marie tells the camera that since her photo shoot, JoJo has finally realized that she is competition, but that she is OK with that and doesn’t care how JoJo feels. JoJo gets a call from Jane Geddes, SVP of WWE Talent Relations and Development, who has listened to the audition tape that JoJo and Naomi made. Jane says it’s “awesome”. (MATT: Jane’s version of “She looks just like a mermaid”, I guess.) (MATT: Apparently located in a run-down business park near Vincent Vega’s apartment in Pulp Fiction.) She wants them to come and audition to sing. Well, at least we’re not pretending that Jane just books talent on a whim anymore. Jane wants to find a way to use it for The Funkadactyls’ entrance and JoJo is psyched.

Vincent tries to stop Cameron from kissing Glity/Glitty/Noodle/Who Cares on the mouth. So she can use her mouth for better purposes later without having a dog’s mouth be the last thing her lips touched. Vincent is taking her out for a “surprise”, with intentions on proposing. This worked SO well for Tyson a couple of weeks ago, but ok. Let’s just move this thing along to its inevitable epic fail of a conclusion.

(MATT: ONLY “14 Karats”?) Hmm..could this be a place to buy an engagement ring? They meet Salesperson Ron, so Vincent can “buy a diamond ring for his gorgeous woman”. Despite the fact that we’ve telegraphed the shit out of all of this, Cameron pretends to be dumb as a post and is shocked by the move. Mistaking apprehension for lack of comprehension, Vincent tells her that this is his surprise for her. Ron wisely gives them time to talk. Cameron walks out of the store. While I do feel for Vincent, good for Cameron for realizing her heart wasn’t lock step in with Vincent’s (MATT: Scripted) timetable. That’s a fair and grownup realization, though just silently walking out was a bit immature. She tells him, in tears, that she needs time. Cameron tells him that it’s too much and that she needs space. It’s official, boyfriends of Divas, don’t try to surprise them with huge romantic gestures that move your relationship up a step. Vincent is in tears also, and he holds her as she cries. (MATT: Is Glitty the Dog off modeling next door?!) They apologize to each other. Vincent tells her, “If that’s how you feel, I respect you, I love you, I’m gonna give you this break,” but then tells her he isn’t going anywhere no matter what happens. So, she can walk away but he’ll be out there stalking her. Good to know. Run, Cameron!! (MATT: RUN, VINCENT!)

GRAND RAPIDS, MI

Dr. Michael J. Sampson, WWE Doctor, has Nikki on a table while Brie is there for moral support. (MATT: Both women are dressed like they’re at a summer formal.) Cena is nowhere to be found. Again. He shows the twin’s Nikki’s scans which he tells her is a stress fracture. He says the stress fracture is extensive and, so, in addition to the 4-6 weeks of rest he recommended, she will need crutches (first, non-weight bearing, then weight-bearing for a while). She has to avoid physical things for a while so that she can’t even go to the ring to watch Brie wrestle.

Backstage
The Funkadactyls and JoJo warm up for their singing act. Vince McMahon comes by to watch the girls, get a free cameo and tell them that he’s looking forward to their performance. Hmmm..just a few minutes left in the show and it’s going to go well, right? WRONG! Naomi suddenly has a horrible barking cough out of nowhere and is “sick as a dog” despite being perfectly fine 7 seconds ago. She’s having coughing fits and gets told it’s just nerves by JoJo.

CHARLESTON, NC

North Charleston Coliseum
JoJo confesses she has never sung in front of a crowd before. Eva Marie and Brie, ever the pep-talkers, agree this has the potential to go really wrong as it’s live.

In-Ring
The Funkadactyls and JoJo are ready to roll. Cameron is there to talk up the others a bit. JoJo and Cameron sing and they sound awful. A fan is shown covering his ears. Jane Geddes looks on with a look of despair, puzzlement and disgust.

(MATT: This screen-cap spared me the duty of finding a similar photo on Google Images…so there IS that.)

JoJo says on camera that they sound awful, a remark backed up by Eva Marie who says on camera, “What goes around comes around — and this is what JoJo gets for not supporting me.”

Backtage
The Divas are all there discussing the act, Cameron tries to downplay just how bad it was. JoJo tries to act as if they were only off on harmony here and there.

Mark Carrano, Senior Director, WWE Talent Relations comes to see The Bellas. Nikki jokes she is “just crutching around” and Mark says that’s why he’s meeting with them. He tells her that limping on crunches “is not Bella like..it’s not Diva like”. So, she’s out of work for 12 weeks. She complains about being almost 30 and her wrestling career possibly over. (MATT: She’s done, even with her slightly fractured shin and a return timetable of three months. What a tragic turn of events.) She pretends to limp off in disgust.

DANIELLE:
This week’s hugs gs to – Cameron and Vincent – it’s hard to know when it’s time to change your relationship, whether to take it to the next level, step back. or in some cases walk away for good. They both are surrounded by pressure – him by his dad (I’d say his friends but we haven’t even seen them) and her by her fellow Divas who are a defacto family for her. At the same time, they both acted immaturely this week from her walking out of the store without a word to him giving her space, yet not really letting go, but they seem genuine in their confusion and feelings for each other.

This week’s punch goes to – Eva Marie – I get it, she’s hot, she has red hair and a sexy body, she’s psyched that she’s getting some real attention for herself and that’s great. But instead of talking with JoJo about her feelings, and caring about her, she talked about her behind her back and was actually happy when she failed live on stage. Real friends, and I do think proximity and shared experiences have made these two real friends and Eva Marie this week acted like she had never had a real friend with her behavior. The other girls barely tolerate her, and she should try to be a real friend to the one who genuinely likes her company.

MATT:
This week’s hug goes to: Eva Marie. What a woman. Does what she does to get ahead while her idiot roomie, JoJo, fakes her way through life just because she used to sing back when Savage Garden was on tour.

This week’s annoying people are: Cameron, Nikki, and Brie. When are these three NOT on the list? Week by week, Cameron is a superficial brat. Nikki and Brie enable her. It’s kinda sick. They all act like spoiled little snobs and it’s gotten to the point where it’s become difficult to watch them.