‘Total Divas’ Recap: ‘No Longer the Bridesmaid’

Last episode:

  • Eva Marie learned she had scored a Maxim Magazine shoot which saw the other Divas jealous of her actions. 
  • JoJo, inspired by Eva Marie’s success, teamed up with Naomi to record their version of The Funkadactyl’s theme song which, when edited by Naomi’s dad, was so “great”, they were inexplicably invited to sing it live. Unfortunately for them (and the audience at Main Event that night), they sounded awful. Who knew? 
  • Nikki took a bad bump during a tag match, re-injuring her brittle shin. As a result, both twins are out of the main line up until she heals.

And, with that, Matt Perri and I rejoin the Divas to celebrate Natalya and Tyson Kidd’s wedding day. What could possibly go wrong? Let’s find out!

(NOTE: In order to theoretically shorten this review and/or give our incredibly supportive readers a chance to check out the parts of the show that matter to them, we are going to present this recap divided up into main story lines and not in the exact order of how events are shown. Hopefully, this should help.)

Natalya and Tyson’s Wedding Day
Fuck everything: Natalya is putting a red tie on her cat, Gizmo, (MATT: Your argument is invalid?) because the cat’s in the wedding. The cat struggles…so Natalya puts the cat into a Full Nelson and asks for it to tap. (WWE: Don’t bully kids. You can put your pets in submission holds, kick ’em across the room, then skin them for their fur. Just don’t bully kids.)

Natalya’s family is here and her Mom has a surprise – a wedding dress she made. The camera pans to the dress that Natalya already bought, one that she says “fits like a glove”. (MATT: A glove which fits everything except her giant boobs — but, a glove nonetheless.) To humor her Mom/suit our storyline, her sister helps her try it on. Natalya’s not pleased and tells the camera that her Mom is a “noted seamstress”, so it’s kinda surprising that the dress looks like a burlap sack with fake roses on it. She tries to tell her mom that it just doesn’t fit with their “beach wedding” theme. (MATT: Or, you know, she could have said, “Hey, Mom, I already bought a dress. It cost me about a half million dollars and was designed by Versace” or something. In fact, is anyone else finding it hard to believe that her Mom didn’t know about her dress long before this bullshit?) Her mom says she put all the roses on by hand and Natalya just sighs.

Nikki and Natalya gush about the wedding day. Natalya plays up the fact that the flowers are being flown in from France. Nikki explains that she will be missing it to attend the family reunion with John. Natalya tells the camera that she is hurt by Nikki’s decision. She tells Nikki that the date was chosen carefully so her WWE family including she and John could attend. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore and goes inside.

Later, at a RAW arena, Natalya tells the camera that “my best friend is not coming to my wedding”. (MATT: Yes, Nattie and Nikki are “best friends” now.) She tells Brie that finding out Nikki isn’t coming is “like being punched in the stomach”. Brie tells her to just enjoy her day anyhow.

On Natalya’s wedding day, Nattie warns her wedding coordinator that she’s gonna get bossy. Gizmo, who will be wearing a tuxedo, hides under a cabinet. Nattie laughs off the fact that her cat is scared as fuck and says that Gizmo’s excited. (MATT: That poor fucking cat…)

Naomi and Brie join Natalya, who tells the two of them that her “word is her bond”…thus, she did not dis-invite Jaret to her wedding. “How do I always get myself in these awkward positions?” She asks. (MATT: Awkward? Did she accidentally make an invite, accidentally drive to the post office and accidentally drop it in the mail?)  Brie and Naomi offer to drop kick the pastor to the face if he asks if “anyone objects”. Really, I don’t think that line should be in anyone’s wedding day ever. (MATT: Never understood that line, either.)

The coordinator tells her that the weather is bad. Not only is it raining, but there is lightning and thunder. They may have to have the wedding inside for the safety of the guests. (MATT: It’s all good, though. There’s no decor outside, so they already knew that.) “What else can go wrong?” She asks the camera. Cut to Jaret swinging the doors to the place open and walking in like a boss. (MATT: So scripted, it needs John Woo slow-mo.)

The wedding is being prepared for an inside ceremony. Natalya holds Grumpy Cat as he wears a tuxedo. (MATT: That poor, poor cat. He already tapped out to a Full Nelson and tried to hide from Nattie. I’m calling PETA.) Her mom says she could not be more proud to be her mother and she understands why Natalya is wearing the wedding dress she had chosen over the homemade one. (MATT: …because she BOUGHT the dress?)

The Divas come in to see how she looks. Apparently, Vincent’s there, too. Natalya tells the camera that she is worried about Vincent coming as he may fight with Cameron. Eva Marie also tells the camera that she was surprised to see him there. Apparently, their break lasted all of four seconds when Vincent visited her in the hospital (more on that in a few) and, realizing how amazing he was, they got back together. “I would hate to lose someone like him,” Cameron tells the camera. You know, because loud and obnoxious, often-drunk, overly-codependent boyfriends who like to fast-forward relationships are incredibly hard to find. (MATT: It would have been awesome to see a montage of all the time Cameron screamed at him.)

Tyson gets a few minutes to interact with his friends (Brie, Daniel Bryan, Cameron, and Jimmy Uso), when Jaret enters the room, confesses that they talked and had dinner in Calgary and, pretty much stops short of saying he’d like to bang his future wife in ways that are illegal in 16 states…all while his friends look on.

Tyson asks him to step outside where they can “talk in private”. (MATT: According to TJ, “private” means leaving the doors to the next room open so that Brie, Bryan, Cam and Uso can see what’s going on.) TJ asks why they’ve been talking over text. Jaret goes from Benjamin Braddock to Scumbag Steve in record time and says, “Oh…I thought you knew…”

Tyson’s pissed. He goes to Nattie and says they need to talk. Nattie sends her friends out of the room She complains that he wasn’t supposed to see her before the wedding and that he’s “ruined everything about this traditional wedding.” (MATT: Just to review – Nattie included her cat, which is wearing a tux, in the ceremony.) He says he did it because he was angry that Jaret was invited and that they talk all the time. Tyson is so mad, he suggests calling off the wedding.

Damien Sandow gets the biggest push of his career: he is the wedding emcee and declares that the wedding is about to start. (MATT: And he’s pretty much the same guy he is in the ring. Ironic.) The music starts…but no one descends down the spiral staircase to start the wedding. The guests start to mumble in surprise. Brie tells the camera she doesn’t know if the wedding is going to happen.

Meanwhile, behind closed doors, Tyson is asking Natalya if she has anything she needs to confess. She tells him that Jaret did tell her his feelings, but she turned him down and that he was the only man for her. She says everything has gone wrong that day, but she still wants to marry him. TJ, being TJ, pretty much says, “Oh, ok, cool” and buys it. They say they are each other’s “everything” and hug.

The flower girls, pastor and TJ all come down the aisle. Natalya is escorted down the staircase and aisle by her dad and tuxedo’d Gizmo. She hands the cat to someone in the last row. (MATT: Cat tapped, gets put in a tux…and he gets the worst seat in the wedding. What a day.) The wedding goes off perfectly.

Damien Sandow announces the couple is entering for their first dance. Natalya jokes they don’t know how to dance and Tyson says his knee is hurt so that’s his excuse.

Brie gets a call on her phone from Nikki who wants to apologize to Natalya for missing her big day. Nikki begs Brie to bring the phone to her even though the reception is going on. (MATT: DO IT NOW. DO NOT DENY QUEEN NIKKI.) Natalya accepts her apology and the two will remain close friends.

Natalya tosses her bouquet to the handful of single women and Brie catches it.

Damien announces that the groom has words. Tyson put together a video montage of them (mostly wedding moments) to surprise her and Natalya cries happy tears as she re-lives moments from when they first met and had “completely forgotten about”. (MATT: Aw, she’s ao in love, she forgot all the precious moments that brought them together…) They cut the cake, dance with their friends and have a great reception. They show a photo booth pic of them dressed up silly holding signs saying “Mr. and Mrs.”…

A Potential Main Roster Opening
The secondary storyline starts at the opening of the WWE Performance Center. Jane (MATT: “Dont Call Me Ann”) Geddes, SVP of Talent Relations, announces that they need a new Diva to step up because Nikki is out of action and Brie is out with her. “They’re hungry and they’re trying to take our spot,” Nikki tells the camera. “As long as it’s not Eva Marie, I’ll be fine,” she tells Jane — with Natalya, Naomi, Cameron and Brie all within earshot.

Jane talks, one-on-one, to JoJo and Eva Marie who are glued together, as always, like figurative Siamese twins. She jokes with them about how long their workouts were that day. She tells them to get ready for Raw as they may need valets with Nikki absent. JoJo tells the camera that it will be her night to shine despite Eva Marie’s red hair and big boobs.

At Monday Night Raw, Nikki shows up on crutches because reasons. She trips and falls on a wet ramp from the rain outside. Eva Marie nervously tells The Funkadactyls that today’s the day where they choose a Diva to valet. (MATT: Something tells me JoJo ain’t winning that decision…)

Natalya and JoJo join the girls as Mark Carrano, Senior Director of WWE Relations, makes some announcements. He says Eva Marie will be Natalya’s valet. The two girls hug. Eva Marie tells the camera that she tried to downplay her excitement so as to not be mean to JoJo, but it was very obvious how excited she was. JoJo doesn’t even try to hide her disappointment. Naomi tries to console JoJo: “When we’re long gone, you’ll still be here kicking butt”. (MATT: Naomi – WWE Prophet)

Eva Marie goes to see JoJo and offers her strawberries, JoJo declines. Eva Marie is once again disappointed that JoJo is not happy for her successes (just like last week).

Backstage, the Bellas (both dressed in identical hot pink club attire) join JoJo to watch Eva Marie debut as Natalya’s valet at a WWE Superstars taping. As the two appear on the big screen, Tom Phillips (presumably) asks, “Who’s the redhead? We haven’t seen a lot of her before!” Do they not give the announcers cue cards on this? If it’s supposed to be Eva Marie’s debut, you’d think they’d know her name to announce. (MATT: ACTING!)

“I honestly can’t even believe this is my life right now,” Eva Marie tells the camera. Natalya fights Naomi who has Cameron in her corner. Natalya is getting beat bad, getting hit with the Rear View. As she is outside, the ring the announcer says maybe the newbie can provide some support. Natalya gets Naomi to tap out with the Sharpshooter. Amazing: they found a job for Eva Marie in the WWE and she can’t mess it up. (MATT: Wonder if she convinced Jane that she has had “valet lessons”.)

Eva Marie decides to talk to JoJo about why she’s still so distant from her. Eva Marie seems confused as to why her friend, who she clicked with in the beginning, is now treating it as a competition. “This has always been a competition,” JoJo coldly tells her. The girls keep arguing until Eva Marie finally declares that living together and training together isn’t working…so, they need their own places. JoJo agrees, and storms off.

John Cena’s Family Reunion / Nikki Meets His Family
Cena’s extended family has decided to come in for a big family reunion at a local restaurant. It’s a special day and he wants Nikki to be there. There’s just one catch…(MATT: Each family member will be played by Eddie Murphy?)…it’s on the same day as Natalya’s wedding. Nikki tells the camera that she’s torn as she has this wonderful guy who wants to take things to the next level, but she also doesn’t want to miss her “best friend’s wedding day. Cena says he’s going to go as this is a “once-in-a-blue-moon” type of thing, and it would mean a lot to him if she went to. No pressure, Nikki, just give him an answer in a few days.

Obviously, Nikki chose the family reunion (as stated in the first storyline). Nikki and John leave for the family event, traveling in style on his private bus and boarding a private plane that he gets to use for a certain number of days each year as part of his contract. Must be nice. (MATT: Couldn’t they use the plane to fly back to the wedding?)

Nikki is delighted to see all of John’s family is there. Nikki debates between getting lobster and sushi (this sounds just like me at dinner), and makes jokes with John’s family. When his John’s Dad says he is “turning 69” soon, she stammers, resisting the urge to make a sex joke, straightens up and then barely squeaks the words, “That’s a good age.” Nikki, who loves superlatives, says his family is hilarious and “the funniest bunch of people she’s ever met”. She feels bad that she missed Natalya’s wedding, but feels she made the right decision.

John and Nikki enjoy a romantic dinner. He tells her she doesn’t seem happy at times. She says they’ve been together about a year and had three disagreements, don’t fight or curse each other out (to which he deadpans, “I don’t know if you know this but I never fucking swear.”). He says he’s very happy and asks where they go from there. He says he wants to see her more and that she lives too far away. He wants her to move in with him. She tells the camera her rule is to be engaged before living with anyone. (MATT: So…they bang like rabbits all the time but living in the same space is forbidden? Nikki has such strange morals.) He asks her to move in, much in the same tone and words someone would normally use to propose and she accepts. She says this has been the best year of her life because of him and we see a montage of their moments together from this show.

Cameron Becomes Ill 
Our final storyline revolves around Cameron. Naomi is in her hotel room when she gets a frantic call from Cameron whose stomach is bothering her. Naomi races to her, even though she thinks her friend is being overly dramatic. Cameron is crying her eyes out and is pain and Naomi calls an ambulance. (MATT: With the same length and tone as somebody ordering a Cobb Salad from room service.)

The medics arrive and start taking her vitals and asking her questions. She’s taken away on a stretcher. Hours later Naomi picks her up. Cameron tells the camera that the doctors think it’s very likely that she has endometriosis. She’ll need to see her doctor for follow up. No jokes on this from me. That’s a painful condition that could potentially lead to infertility and I feel for her, I really do. (MATT: It is, indeed, a horrible thing to have.)

In the car ride Naomi feels for her, then allegedly forgetting there is an audience for this show says, “Can you imagine that happening on live TV?”. (MATT: Wink, wink.)

This week’s hug goes to…Natalya – Even though she had to compromise on how the wedding went, she realized that the most important part of the day was that they had each other. Their wedding day had great moments of heartfelt emotion and they are wonderful together.

This week’s punch goes to…JoJo – Rather than trying to better herself, her skills, getting a hobby, a dog, or anything, she spent yet another episode sulking and causing all of us to wish she would just go away already.

This week’s hug goes to…Eva – YEAH, “really”. Besides the fucking loud hair, she’s the only one fascinating enough to watch. I’d say Nattie but, holy shit, the treatment of Gizmo is fucking creepy. And I’d hug Gizmo but I hate giant, overly-furry cats. Go ahead and make your jokes about that last sentence.

Annoying Diva of the Week…Everyone else except Naomi & John Cena – Seriously. I can’t stand anyone on this show. Naomi seems sweet. Nattie pretty much lied to TJ, JoJo is just going nowhere, The Bellas continue to be those snobby girls you hated in high school, and Cameron is close to joining them on the same mountain.

Er, that’s it.

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